A Stag in the Wandlight
by siriusly klutzy
Summary: As newly appointed Head Girl, I had my entire year planned out, and nobody could ruin that. Except for Dumbledore, who did so by assigning James Potter as Head Boy. And for some reason, the Head Boy believes that I need more action in my life. Fantastic.
1. Chapter 1

**(Full) Summary: As newly appointed Head Girl, I had my entire year planned out. Things were going to go just as I wanted them to and there was nothing anyone could do to stop that. Except for Dumbledore, that is, who did so by assigning James Potter as Head Boy. And for some reason, this Head Boy believes that I need more action in my life. Lovely.**

**Disclaimer: It belongs to Jo.**

**A Stag in the Wandlight**

a Siriusly Klutzy story.

Late. Why did he have to be late? What could possibly be so important to James Potter that he is late for the Prefects meeting where we introduce ourselves as Heads. The prefects and I had already been waiting there impatiently for him for about twenty minutes before he walked in out of breath and slightly sweaty. But he walked over to where I was sitting with a grin plastered on his face, all on eyes him.

"Where were you?" I asked in an annoyed whisper. "You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago!" We're supposed to set good examples for the prefects and future heads, not encourage tardiness. Everyone knew that.

"Sorry," he responded in his normal voice. "A second year couldn't get his trunk onto the train, so I offered to help."

A likely story. "And that took twenty minutes?" I asked, still whispering. The prefects were now looking at me impatiently, waiting for us to start the meeting.

"Can we talk about this later? They look like they want to get out of here," James pointed out. And he was right. There were eye rolls coming from Connie Marie and Michael, the fifth-year Ravenclaw prefects, and Judith McKay, the sixth-year Hufflepuff, looked like she was about ready to fall asleep.

I nodded and went to pull out the parchment that I took notes on this summer, reminding myself what to address during the first meeting. Some may call it over-prepared and, well, I'd agree with them. I tended to be a bit paranoid about forgetting something and then looking like a complete loon in front of a bunch of fifth and sixth years.

But before I could get the parchment out of my bag, James had stood up and cleared his throat.

"You all know why you're here, right? Because you're prefects and have to sit through one of the many times that you'll listen to Lily and I babble in front of you. I just want to get the basics down, right now. You know, patrolling schedules, main rules, privileges and such." He cleared this throat, gaining the attention of Judith McKay. "Let's start with patrolling. Right. So, there are eighteen of us over a three week schedule and we need people to do this every night. That makes only nine pairs, so every once in a while, you're going to have to double up."

By this point, I had stopped looking for my parchment, not because I couldn't find it- well, that was part of it,- but because I was in absolute shock. He had completely taken over the meeting. James Potter, the boy who was late, had taken over the meeting. I was supposed to be the responsible one. I made a list of the topics we needed to cover!

I stared up at him curiously, my mouth slightly open before I remembered to close it. He looked down to where I was in mid-rummage and grinned.

"If you have a problem with the scheduling," he continued, "just come find Lily or me and we'll try and sort it out. Basically, all you have to do is make sure that no one is out past curfew, give them detention if they're hexing someone, stuff like that. Nothing really big. Er, before you leave, right down your name next to the date you'll be patrolling, all right?" Peopled nodded.

He stopped and looked down at me. I had continued trying to find my parchment, trying to ignore the fact that James Potter had done something remotely right for a change. Which is good, because I couldn't find that stupid piece of parchment anywhere.

"Lets see," he continued. "The point system. That's a good thing to go over. You are allowed to dock points from students, however taking points from someone for tying their shoelace wrong, you cannot." He shifted from one foot to the other. In the mean time, I'd managed to find the parchment that I'd written down the house passwords on, along with the one to the prefects bathroom. "Oh, you're not allowed to dock points from other prefects, either, because back in the 1820s these two prefects got into a point-taking duel and Ravenclaw and Slytherin were both in negative points. Lots of negative points. Lets see... Oh, I hereby forbid any points to be docked from Gryffindor by any of you. That will result in detention for life." He grinned. I nudged him in the ankle. "Oh, sorry. Do you have anything you'd like to add, Lily?"

I sent a glare in his direction, but he just smirked and sat down as I stood. "These," I said, handing out the parchment that I had duplicated, "are the passwords to your house and the prefects bathroom. Don't lose them. If you believe someone from another house has found out your password, come to either James or I and we'll set you up with a new one. If nothing happens, then your portrait will change it monthly for you."

In the short amount of time it had taken for me to tell them about the passwords, Judith McKay had fallen asleep.

"Is that it?" James asked. I turned to face him.

"Unless you have anything else you'd like to add..."

"Nope. You guys can leave now."

The fifth and sixth years hurriedly stood up, gathered their belongings. Before they left, they quickly scribbled down when they would be patrolling. Judith had been the last to leave after being roughly awaken by the rather large looking bag of the sixth-year Slytherin girl, Marissa Coolidge.

"So anyway," James continued, as if the entire meeting had never happened. "After I helped out the bloke, he decided it would be a grand idea to introduce me to his mates."

I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Oh really?" I asked, still not believing him. Because honestly, if James Potter told you that he helped out a second year, would you believe him?

"Yeah, his name was Marty. He has a 'girlfriend-'" yes, air quotes included- "named Tana."

"Girlfriend?" I asked.

"Well, you know how second years are. They have their "girlfriends" that they walk down the halls with and forget about them the next day."

"Oh. The way you were at twelve," I muttered in a joking manner, even though I was serious.

He had a point, though. That was generally how the twelve year old mind works.

I was stuffing the books, which I had taken out in search of my list- that is now determined as forever gone- into my bag. I really had to clean that thing out because there were homework assignments from last year in it and a lot of old candy wrappers.

"And that took a long time," he continued, waiting for me at the door, "because that little kid has a lot of mates. And these mates ask a lot of questions, particularly about Quidditch." He shook his head. "Not to mention, they were about eight compartments away, so it was a real pain trying to get here."

I just nodded as I walked towards the door. We walked out together in silence. I wasn't exactly sure why we were still walking together. I tried speeding up, I really did, so that he would get the hint but he just lengthened his strides and kept up with me.

So yeah, it was pretty quiet. That is, until he broke the silence. "So, were you surprised when you got the badge?" he asked, referring to my Head Girl badge.

"A bit," I said, trying to be modest. It wasn't all that much of a surprise. It's not like I was expecting Marlene McKinnon to get it. Love the girl to death, but her and responsibility go together just as well as potatoes and grape jam.

"Really. I knew you'd get it. Smart, responsible, all the things they're looking for in a Head Girl."

"I take it you were surprised when you got yours?" I asked out of pure curiosity. When I found out who the Head Boy was, I laughed. Loudly. Because really. Who expects James Potter, who has pulled more pranks and had more detentions than any person I know, to be Head Boy?

James nodded. "Mum was pleased, though. Sirius thought it was a joke. Thought old Dumbledore had finally gone completely mad. Turned out to be true though so..." He shrugged. I thought Dumbledore had gone completely mad when I found out, thought it was a joke. Then I remembered that Dumbledore's jokes usually involve three hippogriffs and a unicorn, so I didn't bother asking him why.

"Well... er, you're a better candidate then Sirius I suppose. I don't even want to know what he would do to the Slytherins if he had the opportunity."

James laughed.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"You know you have to take this responsibly, James. It isn't some joke. It's a very important job, and it will look fabulous for future resumes."

James looked at me with an arched brow.

"I know," he said seriously. But his serious face quickly faded into a light grin. "Don't worry, I won't do anything horrible."

I really didn't want to know what his definition of horrible was.

"Right. Well. Good." I looked to my right and saw Alice and Marlene waiting for me in a compartment. "Well, this is my compartment. Erm, good-bye." I waved awkwardly, not knowing what else to do.

"Bye, Evans," James said before casually walking away with his hands in his pockets.

I walked into the compartment a second later to be attacked by Marlene.

"Oof! Thanks, Marlene," I said, pushing the girl away only to have Alice attack me next. "And hello, Alice."

"Thanks for telling us you had to lead the prefects meeting," Alice whined, sitting back down. I dropped my bag next to her and sat down.

I shrugged. "I figured you'd know. Who told you, anyway?" My worries about James Potter as Head Boy were quickly starting to fade.

"Remus. He and Sirius were looking for Peter, and Sirius said that James had been made Head Boy-" nope, I lied. Still worried- "and that he was off teaching the ickle prefects." Marlene shrugged, her nose crinkled at the idea of teaching 'ickle prefects'.

"So, you're stuck with Potter for the whole year," Alice pointed out. "Poor thing. When you go completely mad, don't worry, we'll get you a nice room in Saint Mungos."

"Thanks, I appreciate that."

"But really, how are you going to survive?"

"I have absolutely no idea. It's going to be ridiculous."

"Do you have to patrol with him?" Marlene asked curiously.

I pulled the schedule out of my bag and read down the list of names. When I got to Potter's name, I laughed. "Thank God, no. Connie Marie snatched him up for the fifth."

"Who are you with?"

I found my name on the parchment, scribbled next to the eighth. "Dylan Aggley. He's a sixth-year Hufflepuff."

Marlene waggled her eyebrows at me.

"What's that supposed to mean, Marlene?" I asked with an eye roll. Something I had perfected after spending unGodly amounts of time with Petunia.

"Well, you know how those patrols can get." She winked. Winked.

"Marlene! This isn't about uninterrupted snog fests!"

"Right, Lily. You keep thinking that."

"It's about making sure students stay out of trouble. In fact, it's about making sure they don't go and have uninterrupted snog fests!"

This caused Alice and Marlene to laugh together, and very loudly if I do say so myself.

"Because I'm sure that's what all the prefects have on their minds when they're patrolling," Alice said sarcastically with a snort.

"You said yourself that Connie Marie snatched Potter. You thought it, too," Marlene commented. They were double-teaming me! One of my weaknesses (along with being unorganized and having a very low tolerance before my temper went mad) was not being able to withstand being double-teamed.

Immediately, I started to panic.

"No, you guys," I said, stumbling over my words. "Dumbledore wouldn't pick irresponsible people, like you two dolts. That's why being prefects and Heads is a privilege." However, most times I could wiggle myself out of awkward situations without sounding like a total loon.

Marlene laughed loudly at that. "The only reason it's a privilege is because you get to use the nice loos. Which you so kindly shared the passwords to last year."

"Yeah, well, not this year," I grumbled. They thought it was all fun and games.

Alice and Marlene exchanged shocked looks. "Awe, Lil, we were just kidding. We know its all responsibility and rubbish like that," Alice complained.

"Yeah," Marlene agreed, nodding her head. "We're not worthy to hold the position."

"You'll share the loos?" Alice asked pathetically.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "I guess." Oh, another weakness: Being a sucker for giving in.

They both grinned. Why they were so surprised by this was a mystery to me. They've known me for six years. They know I give in easily.

"I knew I could rely on you, Lily," Marlene said, clapping me on the back. I nodded.

By the end of the trip, they not only had the good loo privileges, but also notes for when they're late for class along with a homework pass.

When we got to the castle, it wasn't raining, which was good because I had to stick around and make sure the first years made it to their boats and didn't fall in. What a great way to start my year as Head Girl, having a first year fall in the lake.

"You coming?" Alice asked as she and Marlene made their way to the carriages.

"I can't," I said, pointing to the little ones. "I have to guide."

Alice shrugged and Marlene snorted with laughter. "Guide," she mumbled, shaking her head. "Have fun, Lily." And the two got into their carriage.

"Come on then," I said, ushering the rather terrified looking first years to the lake. One gave me a terrified look. "There's boats there, don't worry," I explained. The boy sighed in relief and quickly caught up to one of his mates.

I rolled my eyes and continued picking out the little ones from the group and telling them where to go.

Someone tapped my shoulder. "Enjoying yourself?"

I jumped a meter in the air, surprised because none of those little first years could reach my shoulder.

"Sorry," James apologized looking amused.

"No, not that way, this way," I said, ignoring him and gently pushing a little girl in the right direction. She gave me a half terrified, half grateful smile.

"Oi!" James called, gaining the attention of all the students in a six foot radius. "Back here! Not you! You belong in the carriage! You! First year!" He glanced at me. "Hold on." And he jogged over to tap the first year boy on the shoulder who apparently hadn't heard him. I saw him say something to the boy, who looked surprised, but followed James back towards the lake. James helped him into one of the boats and made his way back towards me. He rolled his eyes and messed up his hair. "Thought he could take the carriage," he explained. "Almost got trampled by three Slytherins."

I winced at the image. The boy was so small. Three Slytherin's trampling could not be healthy.

"Have any wet themselves yet?" James asked, amused as he pointed a second year to the carriages.

"No," I said, keeping an eye out to make sure no one fell into the lake. I'd done a good job so far. Wouldn't want to jinx it.

"Are you sure?" He pointed over to a shaky first year boy. "I think his pants are a little darker and- ow!"

I hit him in the shoulder. "Stop that. It's just a shadow. None of them have wet themselves. Just make sure they don't fall in the lake." One terrified student heard me say that and looked up at me with wide-eyes. "Not that there's any chance you will fall in the lake," I said quickly. "It's just a precaution. You know, just in case." His eyes got wider. "But you won't. Trust me. Never lost a student yet." In all six minutes I've been doing this. The boy paled.

"Here," James said, gently nudging the student forward. "I'll help you in the boat to make sure, all right?"

The boy nodded timidly, giving me a weird look. How could he trust Potter more than me? He's pushed students into the lake. When I tell a kid that he's not going to fall in the lake then he's not going to fall in the bloody lake!

I watched as James carefully led the boy over to the boats and offered a hand so that he could climb in. Once the boy was safely seated, James waved and came back in my direction.

"I guess that's one thing we shouldn't do, eh?" he said, smirking. That stupid smirk never seemed to leave his face. "Shouldn't mention falling in the lake around the first years."

I grumbled an "I guess not" and directed a second year to the carriages.

"You don't take the boats this year," I said, herding them to the gaggle of students all waiting for a seat with their mates. The three second years all shifted over to the gaggle, eventually being engulfed by the taller students. As long as they didn't somehow manage to fall in the lake, I was good.

"I think that's everyone," James commented as the last of the carriages were being filled, along with the last boat. "Should we go check the train to make sure there aren't any stragglers? Stowaways?" He was looking up and down the platform.

I was surprised at the, well, smart thinking coming from James Potter. It wasn't something that I was accustomed to seeing, along with him being taken as the responsible type and finding spinach in my ice cream. Though that one hasn't happened yet, bit it would still be weird to see. And eat.

I nodded and we made our way to the train.

"Let's split up," I offered, turning right as he turned left. "It'll be faster." And I wouldn't have to try and remain normal and keep my temper around him.

"Nah, it'll be boring that way. Besides, I'm not good with emotional little kids, and with my luck I'd find one," James explained, waiting for me by the door to the train.

I sighed, but followed.

We walked for about five minutes in silence without finding any sign of stowaways or stragglers. There was however a nice big pile of chocolate frog cards under one of the seats in a compartment near the end of the train.

"Evans, look!" James said to me. He dropped to the floor and stuck half of his body under the seat. He said something but it came out muffled. I didn't realize why he was so excited until he stood up, covered in dust, might I add, and spider webs. There was a spider inching it's way down his wrist. He caught sight of it quickly though and flicked it off. It soared and landed on the cushioned seat before scrambling away.

"What is it?"

He held out his other hand showed me at least fifteen chocolate frog cards.

"Look at all of them!" he said excitedly, like a kid on Christmas morning without the piles of wrapping paper and presents. Just with chocolate frog cards.

"Someone's obviously lost them."

"Finders keepers," he mumbled, shuffling through the lot. "My God. They've got Cliodna! Sirius is going to go mad when I show him these!"

"What do you mean 'when I show him these?'" I asked, turning on him. "We've got to give them back."

"What?" he asked, flabbergasted. "Of course I'm going to keep them!"

"Oh no you're not," I warned as I took a step forward. "Give them to me right now." I felt like I was talking to a child on Christmas morning.

"Come on, Evans. Just let me keep Cliodna. They're not going to notice."

"Potter, give me the bloody cards."

James sighed but placed the cards in my outstretched hand.

Score one for the Head Girl, zip for Head Boy.

We started back off down the train again. It would have been so much faster if I could have just gone right and he'd gone left, our separate ways. Less awkward, as well. Though James would have kept those cards. I don't even know how he saw them. They were quite far under the seat. Boys must have some sort of radar for those types of things.

"I guess that was kind of pointless," James said after our trip up and down the train to make sure no one forgot to get off or something ridiculous like that.

"I guess so," I agreed, looking for a carriage to take us back to the castle.

As I started walking towards it, James followed, which reminded me that there was, indeed, just one carriage left meaning that I was with James Potter for a guaranteed ten more minutes. Lovely. I was never going to escape.

We hopped into the carriage and I thought all would be fine and dandy, seeing as the first three seconds were nice and quiet. But then James proceeded to ask me why he couldn't have the cards.

"Because they belong to somebody, Potter," I grumbled more than once.

"Obviously they don't care about them," he said huffily. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared out the door. "Surely they would have noticed that fifteen chocolate card were missing."

"Well if no one claims them, then you can have them," I said trying to appease him.

This seemed to brighten his mood and he remained cheerful for the last ten minutes of the carriage ride, all the way into the school where we went our separate ways.

* * *

_A/n: How exciting! The first chapter to my golden fic! I've been wicked paranoid all day, but here it is! Finally! So I really hope you guys like it and, guess what! The next chapter is coming soon! I love being able to say that! I had so much more to say, but I can't remember right now. Whoops. I guess I'll just have to ramble in the _second chapter

_Let me know what you think!_ _Much love and a Cliodna__ card,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	2. Sirius the Salesman

**Chapter Two- Sirius the Salesman**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter (?)

"It's so weird. This being our last year here, I mean," I said to Alice as we were walking to breakfast for the first day of classes. "This is like our last first day of school."

"Right-o, which is why you have to make the food taste better than ever!" she claimed, eager to get to breakfast. It's her favorite meal of the day and I'd held her up ten minutes because my shoe went missing- missing under her bed which means it was entirely her fault, even if she didn't see it that way.

She directed me to an open spot by Marlene at the Gryffindor table.

"That's one way to look at it," I said with a grin, sitting down.

"Congratulations, Lily!" someone called a few seats away. I looked over and Nathaniel Cooke, a fourth year, smiled.

"Yeah, good job, Evans," his friend Richard Parker added. He nodded at my Head Girl badge.

"Thanks," I said gratefully, returning the smile.

"Look at our little Lily, all popular now that she's Head Girl," Marlene cooed. I rolled my eyes. "Everyone wants to be your friend." She grinned.

"Only so they won't get into trouble when they're caught setting off dung bombs in the Charms room," Alice teased.

"Thanks guys," I said sarcastically. "It's great to know that people only want to know me because I can keep them out of detention and not because I have a fabulous personality." Even though it was probably true. Had I been raised a trouble maker, I would do my best to suck up to whoever was in charge. The Marauders do and, while they still get detentions constantly, no teacher is ever really mad at them. Just heavily frustrated, but there's always that smirk that just won't go away because it's the Marauders- and to the Professors, that's an excuse in itself.

"We're just kidding, you have a great personality," Alice said, ruffling my hair, which then decided to go static. Lovely.

"Life would be quite dull without you and your spazztic, perfectionist personality," Marlene added before nibbling her toast. "And I'd probably still be in second year potions."

"Well, I'm glad I have some use," I replied.

"It's true," Marlene said, nodding encouragingly. "Without you, those second years would be oggling me all day."

"Second years already oggle you all day," Alice pointed out. She glanced down the table where Phillip Stones was holding his fork two inches away from his mouth, but paying no more attention to it, and looking dreamily in Marlene's direction. She tended to capture the attention of a great percentage of the boys at Hogwarts, probably because she had a chest the size Australia.

Not that I minded, I mean a lot of the guys here are rather creepy. And I wouldn't want them staring at my chest. Besides, Marlene is a good person and wouldn't go after someone who Alice or I fancied. She doesn't mind it either, she loves the attention. It's just who she is.

Not that Marlene is a scarlet woman or anything. She just dates a lot, and causes lots of controversy over who deserves her more. There was an interesting fight in the Common Room one night last year because of that. Dorcas Meadows, last years Head Girl, had to break it up with the help of our Quidditch teams beaters and a stunning spell, but not before Lucas Janes sprouted rabbit ears.

Marlene just shrugged and continued eating her breakfast. She was used to this by now. And after Louis Remmson declared his undying love for her in fourth year, she decided it was best to just ignore it.

Just as I was about to comment on the second years thing I heard, "Morning Evans."

I looked up, shocked because only a certain number of people call me Evans. The Professors, but it normally has a Miss in front of it. People that I don't talk to on a daily basis. This boy that lived down the street from me when I was nine who I didn't like very much because he lost my favorite ribbon in the sandbox. And, of course, James Potter. The other Marauders also used to call me Evans, but Remus and Peter, after maturing a bit, decided they liked Lily better. And Sirius calls me Lily, or occasionally Evans, McGee. I'm not sure why...

Startled, I responded. "Er, morning Potter?"

He grinned and walked away to the other end of the table. That was it, just grinned and walked away.

"Do you smell anything funny?" Alice asked, sniffing around.

"Er, no. Why?" I asked, still confused as to why James greeted me.

"Because that seemed like the perfect set up for a dung bomb," she said.

Marlene jumped in with the sniffing.

"I don't smell anything," she said after getting everything possible in a three foot radius.

"Nor do I."

"Well, then," Marlene said. "That was strange."

"He's never greeted you like that before, Lily," Alice pointed out. Of course, I already knew this. But it was still strange.

"Are you all chummy now that you're both Heads?" Marlene had an evil glint in her eye, similar to the one she got before asking to copy my Potions homework or after coming back from a particularly nice date with a particularly nice boy.

"I didn't think so." Still baffled, I glanced down the table. James was telling some full blown story of something that, by the arm motions, looked like it involved a lot of explosions. Or something of the sort. "Well, I mean, the Heads have to get along, don't they? Er... we?"

"Not necessarily," Alice said, pointing at me with her fork.

"Yeah, remember Margaret Spinster from Slytherin and Elijah something that starts with an H from Hufflepuff? From our second year?" Marlene looked at Alice to see if she got the year right. When Alice nodded, she continued. "They fought constantly."

"I remember McGonagal giving them detention for 'disrupting breakfast' and being 'unable to control their temper.'"

"Sounds like you, Lily," Marlene said with a snort.

"Thanks."

Needless to say, after that little event, classes that day were a bore, but as I was Head Girl I had to make some attempt at paying attention. That didn't work out too well though. If I pulled out my Ancient Runes notes it'd look like they belonged in an art museum and not a Runes folder. But the point was that I looked like I was doing something productive, it didn't matter if I actually was or not. And I think that most of the people were convinced that I was fulfilling my duty as Head Girl.

Not only were the classes boring but the professors gave us loads of homework. All of the seventh years last year said that sixth year was the toughest, seventh year was a breeze.

A breeze my ass.

There was a mountain of things I had to do in my bag, all piling up because I didn't have a free moment all night.

By the time I reached the Common Room after dinner, I was all for collapsing on the couch for a bit before starting the mountain. But of course that was made impossible.

"For three galleons a pop, you'll never have to do homework again!" I heard as I walked in with Alice.

"What's going on?" I asked her. She looked at me and shrugged. Though when we rounded the corner, we saw exactly what was going on.

Sirius Black was standing on top of one of the tables off to the side of the Common Room with a medium size group surrounding him. He had two thick piles of paper in each hand and was waving them around, showing them to the crowd. Peter was standing on the ground with smaller piles of paper and a pouch filled with coins.

"That's it, come on over and get your free homework passes- straight from the Head Boy himself!" Sirius continued to shout to the now excited crowd. They were all digging through their pockets looking for spare change.

My temper immediately went from 'Moderate' to 'Dangerous' as I stormed over, fists already balled at my side.

"Black!" I screeched over the students who were smart enough to clear a path for me.

"That's the Head Girl," someone muttered.

"Get out of her way!"

"She's going to curse his toes off..."

"She doesn't look happy."

"She looks like a tomato," someone commented, referring to how red my face was. "That doesn't look threatening." I was tempted to stop and give them my best glare, but I was Head Girl who had a job to do. And then I had to go kill the Head Boy.

"Lily!" Sirius called, his arms spread out. He jumped off of the table to approach me. No matter what I did, I could never really intimidate Sirius Black.

"What do you think you're doing?" I snapped, snatching a pile of what I then determined as homework passes out of his hand. "Where did you get these?" I looked down at the name and scribbled on the signature was James Potter.

"Making a profit, Evans," he said proudly. Sirius raised his arm in the air, waving the passes around. "Any more takers? No more homework ever again!"

"Give me those!" I said, reaching up and snatching the rest out of his hand. He furrowed his eyebrows at me, but didn't move to take them back. I stormed over to Peter who was already holding them out in my direction. Smart boy, that Peter.

"Ah, Evans, lighten up. It's not like homework actually helps," Sirius said with a grin. He shook the hair out of his eyes and walked over to where Peter and I were standing. I was looking through the passes, inspecting them.

Each one was signed by James Potter himself.

"Where's. James," I growled, looking at Sirius. For a second he looked taken aback, but then answered my question.

"I think he said he had to go to library, but Evans-"

I didn't wait to hear what Sirius had to say, I was already storming out of the Common Room and following my usual path to the library. However, I wasn't expecting to see Potter so soon, let alone walk smack into him.

"Couldn't wait to see me?" he asked with a grin as he offered to help me up.

I stood up, denying his offer, and pulled three homework passes out of my pockets. "What are these?" I asked, eyes narrowed.

"Those look like homework passes to me," he said simply enough, as if there was nothing wrong with the fact that his best mate was selling them in the Common Room to kids that needed to do their homework because, believe it or not, it does make a difference!

"What were you thinking?" I asked astounded, throwing the passes on the ground and staring up at him. "Why would you write all of those out?"

"What?"

"Sirius was selling them in the Common Room!"

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What?"

"Are you daft?" I asked, throwing my arms out. Some of the passes fluttered to the floor. "Sirius. Was. Selling. Them. _In the Common Room_!"

"...What?"

I let out an exasperated scream.

He chuckled and simply stated, "I didn't write those out."

"What? _It's your signature_!" I pulled another one out of my pocket and thrust it under his nose.

"Sirius is a good forager. How do you think he got into Hogsmade?"

"What?"

"Are you daft?" James asked with a twinkle in his eye. "I didn't write those."

"How'd he get your signature then?" I demanded.

James took a moment to think back. He glanced off over my right shoulder and his eyes glazed over. He came back to life after about thirty seconds of what I'm assuming was intense thought. "Oh yeah!" he said, finally remembering.

I was tapping my foot impatiently. When he didn't continue, I said, "_Well_?"

"He came up to me in lunch and said, 'Prongs, mate, could you sign this?' and I was thinking that it was something for me to vouch that he didn't do something stupid. Like he wasn't near the trophy room this morning when the dung bombs went off. So I said, 'Yeah, sure,' and signed it. All he wanted was my signature though," James explained. "And I didn't read anything on the parchment." He grinned. "That dog." He shook his head. Under his breath he added, "Always was good with duplication spells..."

"What?" I asked, once more astounded. "Are you telling me that you're okay with this?"

"Depends. How much money did he make?"

I sputtered for a second before finally managing a rather angry, "I don't know!"

"Oh. Well, it's probably not a big deal."

"You're Head Boy!" I screamed, flushing deeper. "Dumbledore must have been off his rocker when he chose you!" I stooped down to pick up the dropped homework passes before spinning on my heal and walking- well, storming- back to the Common Room.

"What was that about?" Alice asked. She was sitting with Marlene over by the fireplace.

"Potter apparently didn't sign all of those passes," I grumbled with an eye roll. "Though he's okay with the fact that his best mate was selling them."

"You really thought he had time to do that?" Marlene asked in between sucking her sugar quill. "Honestly, he's been doing just the same amount of stuff you have. And we haven't been here for more than a day." What? _What?_

Since when did Marlene speak common sense? The girl was book smart, no genius granted, but she knew her stuff. She, however, wasn't the heaviest galleon in the pouch of common sense, if you get what I mean.

"Yeah, but-"

"Sirius did try and tell you," Alice said with an evil smirk. "You just stormed off like you do."

"Well, I just assumed-"

"-that James did it," Marlene said. "We know. And he didn't."

"You would have thought-"

"But he's Head Boy. Give him the benefit of the doubt," Alice butted in.

"It still doesn't make up for the fact that he's okay with Sirius selling them," I grumbled, crossing my arms. Immature? Yes. But I didn't feel like being proven wrong just then.

"Did he say he was okay with it?" Marlene questioned.

"He asked how much money Black made."

"Oh."

I was just going to keep the part about Sirius deceiving Potter and duplicating the passes to myself.

Or at least, I was planning on doing that. But then a heavy wave of guilt crashed over me and I miserably said, "I guess it was mostly Sirius's fault."

Marlene and Alice both smirked. "That's what I thought," Marlene said. She looked over to Sirius, a motion that didn't go unnoticed by me. He was also glaring over in Marlene's direction. She noticed me noticing her glance and added, "Oh, I had a nice little chat with Sirius while you were gone."

Alice snorted. "Chat..."

My eyes went wide, Head Girl instincts kicking. "What'd you do?"

"She gave him a stern talking to. What do you think she did?" Alice asked with an eye roll.

"Lets just say Sirius's toes won't be the same for a while," Marlene commented nonchalantly but there was a wicked grin on her face

I looked at Alice for confirmation. She grinned mischievously as well before miming stomping her foot.

Ouch. Let me tell you, the shoes that go to our uniforms have very hard monsters of a heel and hurt just with accidental stepping. Excellent.

"Evans!" Sirius called over to me. I looked over at him. "Are you going to let her get away with that?"

"Get away with what, Black?" I asked, hardly bothering to give him a glance.

"Giving money to the homeless," he said rolling his eyes. "Mutilating my foot!"

I grinned, but ignored him.

The next morning, a sign was posted in all of the Common Rooms.

**Attention All Students**

**Heads and Prefects are hereby forbidden to hand out homework passes.**

**Any student caught with a pass from a Head or Prefect will serve detention with the Head of their house and the one who distributed said pass.**

Stupid Black.

"Lily!" Alice whined once she saw the notice. She tore it down to show me, another one magically appearing in its place. "Does that make ours void?" She looked over at Marlene who looked equally distressed.

"I'm not sure," I said, stifling a yawn.

"I didn't do my Potions homework," Marlene groaned, the common noise going around the Common Room. Everyone was letting out sighs and moans and groans about the homework passes, mostly received- or should I say bought- off of Sirius.

"You don't think they'd be void, do you? I mean, they're dated and signed by you and that was before the whole Sirius fiasco," Alice was grumbling. She was staring at the pass as if all of the answers would come to her.

I yawned again and didn't answer.

"Lily! What about my pass?" A small third year thrust her pass up at me. It was signed by Professor Flitwick.

"That one's good as far as I know." I ushered the little girl back to the group she came from.

"I'm going to murder Potter!" a scrawny fourth year boy declared, obviously not knowing the entire story.

"Why? What'd he do to you?" a fifth year girl asked, sticking up for the Head Boy.

"He wrote these bloody passes!" the fourth year said. He tore it to shreds.

"You didn't have to buy them off of Sirius," Marlene scoffed before fretting about her Potions homework. "Can I borrow yours, Alice?"

Alice shoved her pass back into her pocket and started to dig through her bag. "Hurry up, though. I'm hungry."

"I want my money back!" the same annoying fourth year demanded climbing on the table. He was staring right at me. Me! As if I had something to do with the pandemonium going through Common Room!

"Oi! Get off of that table!" I yelled marching over to him.

"What are you going to do about it? I'm not moving until I get my money back!"

_Excuse_ me?

"Detention! Get off of that table right now!"

He rose an eyebrow at me but didn't budge.

"You didn't give Black a detention last night while he was standing on the table, selling us these useless passes!"

"I swear to Merlin, Jones-" at least, I think that's his last name- "if you don't get off of that table right now I'll-"

"You'll what?"

My eyebrows shot up at this kids spunk. I've never had trouble with this kid before. It must be pent up unused energy from puberty or something.

Taking the first course of action that came to mind, I stepped up on a chair and walked onto the table to stand next to him. He looked momentarily taken aback but continued causing problems.

"Let's get our money back! Who's with me?" He punched both fists in the air to enforce his words. When there was only a small portion of the Common Room's agreement (mainly his friends), he slowly lowered his fists. I shook my head at his pathetic attempt and he turned to look at me. "Here," he grumbled, putting the shredded bits of the pass in my hands.

"That's what I thought," I said with a grin, following him as he stepped off of the table. He started to walk away but I caught the hood of his robes.

"What?" he asked, annoyed.

I pulled a detention out of my robes and filled it out. "With Filch tonight at seven in the Great Hall."

"Are you bloody kidding me?" he grumbled under his breath, probably thinking I wouldn't hear. I handed him the slip and he stormed away.

I felt a sense of control then, after handing out my first detention as Head Girl. It felt nice.

"Way to go, Padfoot," I heard across the Common Room. Remus. I spun to see the four Marauders standing there looking at the sign on the wall.

Sirius grinned in response.

"One last thing you have to worry about, eh Prongs?" Sirius said ruffling up James's hair.

I was glaring in their direction. As Potter was about to answer Sirius, he saw me staring in their direction and his light smirk turned into a shocked expression. "I don't think so, Padfoot..."

I marched over and gave those boys a lecture they wouldn't soon forget. Remus was behind James, Sirius, and Peter the whole time, chuckling and throwing in comments about how "it wasn't such a good idea after all, was it Padfoot?" and that "shouldn't you know better than to sign something for Sirius, Prongs?"

I couldn't help but throw smiles in his direction, laughing at the comments even though the laughing messed up what I was trying to prove.

"And while you two imbeciles were doing Merlin only knows what, I had to take care of a rampaging fourth year who wanted to murder you, Potter, and steal your money, Black!"

Sirius's eyes sparkled. "Awe, Prongs," he said with a grin, not effected by the robbery and death threats. "Evans _does_ love us!"

James shook his head and smirked.

I groaned and spun back towards Alice and Marlene, escaping before I lost anymore brain cells from being with them for too long. Marlene was scribbling down Alice's answers quickly.

"She almost done?" I asked Alice who was watching her, bemused.

"Yeah, I think so. Though she's ready to join the 'Let's Kill Sirius Black' club."

I shook my head. "It's the 'Let's Kill James Potter' club and the 'I Want Sirius to Give my Money Back' club."

"Oh, oh sorry." Alice rolled her eyes. "Then I think she wants to start a 'Let's Kill Sirius Black Club.'"

"Done!" Marlene shouted, handing Alice back her homework and stuffing her own parchment in her bag.

"Thank God," Alice said, rubbing her stomach. She gladly took the lead down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

* * *

_A/n: Yay chapter two! My goal was to post it today, and I did! I also got peer pressured all day to update and it's been four days so now is a good time, yeah?_

_Chapter three is mostly written, I just need to touch it up a bit and it should be up soon! Thank you SO much for ALL of the reviews. I was _shocked_. That many reviews for one chapter? You don't even understand how amazed I was. So thank you thank you thank you!_

_I hope you liked the chapter, and don't worry, another one is coming soon!_

_Much love and this really good lotion I have,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	3. Addicted to Cards

**Chapter Three- Addicted to Cards**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

The whole homework pass ordeal had given me an idea. I still had those chocolate frog cards stored away in my drawer in the dorm.

I knew that if I showed Alice, she would have begged to keep them, rather like Potter. So I had to hide them, and in doing that, I forgot they were there. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. But when I was looking for a spare quill because, even though it's the first week of school, I'd managed to lose quite a lot of them, I found them. The chocolate frog cards, not a quill though. Damn things.

Have you ever noticed that you can never have a quill for more than a week at a time? Isn't that ridiculous? It's like they grow wings and fly away! I let people borrow them and always just assume they come back. They don't. I drop one in the hall and apparently expect it to scooch along, following me to my next class. Again, they don't. Anyway...

But really, what could I do (that didn't involve making money off of them) with chocolate frog cards? I'm not a collector. Well, I kept one from when I was in first year and it was the first card I'd ever gotten, but that was for sentimental reasons. It was a Hesper Starkey card, the witch who studied phases of the moon during potion making. No Cliodna, but whatever. It was my first!

But anyway, the homework fiasco had given me an idea.

I decided to post a sign. But do you know how hard it is to try and think of a catchy phrase to put on a lost and found sign? And I wanted to make sure I wouldn't get any liars saying that they were their cards, when really it was some little first year in Hufflepuff, not the beater on the Ravenclaw quidditch team.

"Alice, lets say you found a good amount of chocolate frog cards," I said casually Thursday morning on our way to Potions. "How would you return said cards?"

Alice laughed. "I wouldn't."

"Yeah, but lets say you _wanted_ to."

"But I wouldn't."

She really didn't understand the concept of rhetorical situations.

I sighed and shook my head.

"You're lousy at this."

She ignored my comment. "Did you find chocolate frog cards?" Her eyes lit up and I laughed.

"I er... no. I was just wondering. You know, in case I _do_. Responsible Head duties and all..." Yeah. Right, Lily. Like she was going to buy that.

"Can I see them?" Alice asked. "That explains what James was talking about."

"Talking about when?"

"He said you had Cliodna and you wouldn't let him have it! Come on, Lily. Let me see it. I've never even touched a Cliodna before!" Alice begged. She stopped in the middle of the hall and stepped in front of me, preventing me from walking as well.

But James was talking about how I had these apparently rare cards? Great. Bloody fantastic. Does he have no common sense? The word is going to spread and people are going to know that I have the missing cards and there are going to be trillions of claims.

How am I supposed to know who to believe?

"So can I see it?" she asked again, hopeful.

And then she pulled the face. The one face that can get any person anywhere to do whatever her little heart desires. Her eyes got _really_ big, but not big with excitement. It's like she bottled up bloody sadness and stuck it in her eyes. She jutted out her lower lip, put her hands together in front of her, and started swaying from side to side.

"_Please_, Lily," she asked in a pathetic small voice.

I groaned. "_Fine_. But you can't have it."

She instantly cheered up. "All right, lets go then!"

"We've got to get to class," I said, pointing down the hall to where the rest of out classmates were piling into the Potions room.

"Lets skiv Potions today. I've got to see this!" She started running down the hall.

"Alice!"

She stopped to look at me and wave me forwards. I looked between the classroom and the other end of the hallway and- because at this point I believe my brain was taken over by pixies or some other relatively evil thing- I followed her. I'd only made it about halfway down the hall though when Marlene stopped me.

"What are you doing?" she asked curiously. "Class is this way."

"I know," I said, panting slightly. Merlin, I was out of shape. "I've got to show Alice something."

Marlene smirked. "What is it? Can I see? I really don't want to go to Potions today." She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

I didn't see what was wrong with Potions! You just follow the instructions on the board. Any nitwit with eyes can do that. And it's not as if we'd have fifteen thousand Potions classes already. It was still the first week of school!

"You really should go to class," I said slowly, hoping she'd get the point. "I'll show you later." I felt like I was dealing with joint custody of this stupid card.

She shook her head. "Lets go." And on that note, she started down the hallway after Alice. I had no choice but to follow.

See? Do you see how easily I give in? It's got to be a disease. The Lily-Evans-has-no-ability-to-control-her-actions disease. Ugh.

They both beat me to the Common Room by a good three minutes. Like I said, I was out of shape and there were many sets of stairs. I may look healthy and such, but add in about a seven or so minute jog with at least seven sets of stairs and ick. You get the real, can't run to save her live Lily Evans.

My hair was matted to my forehead with a light layer of sweat. The _thought_ of that sounded gross. The fact that it is actually on my head? I shuddered.

"You took forever," Alice whined, jumping off of the couch. Marlene stood more slowly.

"Well, hurry. We need to get back to class," I said.

Alice laughed and ran up the stairs to the girls dorm. Someone must have hit her with an energy spell this morning or something. Marlene shrugged and followed, this time walking. Like a normal person.

I was just about to go through the door to the girls dorm when I heard someone coming down from the Common Room.

"I can't believe you forgot to set the alarm." That was Remus. I stayed to listen for more. You know, because I'm Head Girl.

"I didn't _forget_," Sirius said innocently enough. "I just thought we deserved a day off."

"Your day off turned into a rush to get ready. And I think I'm wearing Peter's boxers," Remus complained.

Ew. Peter's boxers.

"Are they the ones with the apples on them?" Peter asked.

I didn't hear Remus's reply.

"You could have gotten up when you heard Frank go take a shower," James commented. It sounded like he was yawning.

Remus didn't reply. Or, if he did, I didn't hear it. He really needed to learn to speak up.

"See Moony, you didn't have to wait for us," Sirius said.

"But you're a good friend for doing so," James said with mock seriousness.

Oh. So it was no big deal. They just overslept. Nothing to go crazy over. I guess that's okay, right? Was there anything in the manual- yes, there's a manual but as far as I know, no one has looked in that thing in years- about oversleeping and being late for class? Probably.

But I decided to ignore it and show Alice and Marlene the card before we got into even more trouble. Because we were intentionally skipping class. We didn't even oversleep.

I spun around and intended to go up the stairs- _Thud!_- but the bloody door was shut.

"Ow!" I said before slapping a hand over my mouth. Did they hear me? Would it matter if they did?

"Evans?" Sirius peered his head around the door to the boys dorm. His shocked expression turned into a casual grin. "Our Head Girl skipping class, eh?"

Dusting imaginary dirt off of my skirt, I replied curtly, "No, I forgot something." I was slightly impressed with how truthful my lie sounded just then. Being that I couldn't lie to save my life. And that my nose and left shoulder were slightly throbbing from my little collision.

"You? Forget something?" Remus asked cheekily. He was grinning the Marauder grin. That blasted identical grin that all four of them had somehow mastered. It was slightly sideways, definitely cocky, and they did this weird thing with their eyebrows that goes with the grin. "You don't forget things."

"Lose them, yes," James said, playing along. I'm assuming he was referring to my lost list on the train ride here. But I found that later, after dinner while I was cleaning out my bag. It was jammed in between my Potions book, my Charms folder, and a bottle of lotion. "But forget them?"

"Never," Sirius finished.

Ignoring their statements, I said, "I'm just going to go get it th-"

"Lily! Get up here! I want to see the card!" Alice called down the stairs.

I froze.

"We've already torn up your corner of the room!" Marlene added. Oh Merlin.

James smiled and leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. "It wouldn't be a chocolate frog card, would it?"

"Of course not!" I said flustered. "It's a...erm... a birthday card! To my mum! The big forty seven! Yeah, she erm... birthday and I have to go get the card!"

"Why are Marlene and Alice up there then?" Remus asked.

Remus! Why, Remus? Why? He was a prefect for _two years_! Granted, he's been a Marauder for six but come on! Help me out here buddy, pal, mate!

I stumbled for words. "Well, Alice and Marlene, they're card experts and I wanted them to check it out. Before I sent it. So that I know if it's good... enough."

See what I mean by I can't lie?

Before they could question me further and I gave my dad and two aunts birthday's as well, I bolted up the stairs. Thankfully, this time I remembered to open the door.

"Merlin, Lily!" Alice cried. "What took you so long? Did you get eaten by the couch or something?"

"Sorry," I replied. "I got cornered by the Marauders." Remembering my lie, I added, "Oh, if they ask, it's my mum's birthday and you guys were making sure her card was good."

Marlene laughed and went back to searching under my bed. Around it were a ton of my clothes, sprawled out on the floor, along with some books and chocolate frogs. Not cards, just like the packages of them.

"God Lily," she said, her voice muffled. "First off, learn to dust under your bed. Second off, where the hell did you put those bloody cards?!" Alice must have told her what they were looking for.

I raised an eyebrow in her direction but she couldn't see it because, well, she was under my bed. Alice was looking through my trunk.

"They're in my drawer."

Marlene creeped out from under my bed and Alice lifted herself out of my trunk

"Oh," Alice said. She stood up.

"That... makes sense," Marlene agreed, doing the same. I walked over to my dresser and pulled the pile out of the drawer. Cliodna was on top, so I didn't have to search, which was good. Merlin only knows, there were probably other good cards in there that Alice would want.

"Cliodna," I said, placing the card on top of my messed up bedsheets, which I'm assuming Alice or Marlene did.

Alice 'ooh'ed and snatched it up.

They spent _ten minutes_ inspecting every inch of the card, from the birthday to how pointy its edges were. Ten. Minutes.

That's ten minutes of my life _wasted_ watching them obsess over a picture.

"Guys," I said. I was sprawled out on my bed, my face in my pillow, waiting for them to lose interest. "We really should get to class." Yes, class. Class was much more interesting than watching _that_.

They ignored me.

Three minutes later I tried again. "Come on." This time I stood up, actually making some attempt. I walked over to Marlene and grabbed her elbow and tried pulling her away from the card.

"Lily, stop," she said absently, flapping a hand in my direction and never taking her eyes off of the bloody card.

I groaned and went back to my bed.

There I decided was a good place to try and figure out what I should put on the sign. I knew I'd have the Heads of the houses put them up, but what should it say? I never was all that creative except when I came up with the Gryffindor slogan to go on our banner during our match against Slytherin in fifth year.

After another seven minutes of pondering (and waiting for Alice and Marlene to stop staring at that bloody card!) I decided that creativity was overrated and that I was going to be simple.

It was simply going to say, "Lost Chocolate Frog Cards. Inquiries? Find Lily Evans."

That's it. Good enough, right?

I asked Alice and Marlene what they thought of my sign slogan thing.

"No you're not. I'm keeping these!" Marlene said, smirking. _This_ is why I don't tell people things. Letting them slip, or lying badly doesn't count. Even if I still have to go through the 'You can't keep them' routine.

I groaned and marched over to them. "No. You're not. Give them here." When they didn't listen, I snatched the cards away, ignoring the gasps coming from my two loony mates. "I'm giving them back to whoever they belong to and you can't have them!"

My mates are truly, truly mad.

"What's _this_?" Potter asked me Saturday morning at breakfast. He had a piece of parchment in his hand and he thrust it in my face. After recovering from choking on my orange juice (Alice helpfully smacked me in the back a couple of times) I looked up at him.

"What?" I asked, eyes watering. I blinked a couple of times to clear the choking tears and focus them.

He was holding the poster sign thing I made for the lost chocolate frog cards. I had the professors put them up Friday morning. Had he just noticed it then?

"Oh," I said. "That's the sign I made for the Common Rooms."

"What for?" he demanded.

I looked at him like he was crazy, which he was. Wasn't the answer obvious? "So that the owner of the cards could get them back..." I answered slowly and simply, the only language James Potter apparently understood.

"I thought we weren't going to give them back," he said, looking around the Great Hall to make sure he wasn't over heard.

"That's what I said," Alice piped in. Marlene was next to her nodding away.

"You've really got to listen to your friends, Evans."

"You said I wasn't going to give them back. There's this thing called responsibility, Potter, and it's where-"

He rolled his eyes. "I know what responsibility is, Evans. But obviously no one is missing these cards!"

I gave him a skeptical look.

"No, really," he said. He squeezed in between Alice and I. "I have a theory." I scooted farther away, bumping into Richie Mathews. He spilled milk all down his robes.

"A... theory," I stated, swishing my wand and cleaning up the milk before the kid started to complain. I had other things I needed to deal with.

"Yes. See, those cards could have been under there for _years_." I rose my eyebrows at him. "Really. They could have been Peter's great great grandfathers. Wouldn't that be horrible? You don't want Mr. Pettigrew to go on living without those cards, do you?"

"Is Mr. Pettigrew even alive?"

"I don't know," he said absently. "But my point is, those cards can be _anyone's_."

"Exactly. Which is why I'm not giving them to you. I refuse to be the bad person and give away an innocent child's cards."

I heard him swear under his breath.

"If somebody doesn't claim them by the end of the month you can have them."

"Lily!" Alice and Marlene groaned together.

"Thanks Evans," James said. He stood up happily, waved, and walked away.

"You just gave away the cards!" Alice moaned.

"I can't believe you gave them to Potter before us!" Marlene agreed.

Honestly, do they put drugs on these things to make people want them? Do I need to get Alice and Marlene the patch? The whole school could be addicted to a substance (that I'm of course immune to) that's causing them to want more and more chocolate frog cards!

Or they're all just mad. That's probably more likely then the whole drug thing.

But really. Were the cards that addicting? Couldn't I just duplicate one? Make everybody happy?

Addicted to _chocolate frog cards_. Honestly. Was this what it was like when Quidditch trading cards were in style in my first year?

"Sorry guys," I said grinning sheepishly.

Besides Potter's little questioning during breakfast, surprisingly no one asked about the cards for the next two days. And, seeing that Sunday was my first day patrolling as Head girl, I had other things I needed to worry about. Though, with all my luck the guy I was patrolling with (Dylan Aggley) was a card collector and he saw the sign. I could just see him asking me to slip him the cards before we left. But he's a Hufflepuff, and they don't really do anything wrong, do they?

Ha. The thought of that even makes me laugh. Nah, Dylan wouldn't do anything as stupid as bug me for the cards.

* * *

_A/n: Sorry for taking a while to update! You probably don't want to hear/read excuses so I'm just going to say I was busy. Oh, and I lied. I did have chapter three written, but it wasn't this. I added one in to kind of get something flowing, because I'm bad at that. Therefore, chapter four is mostly written, just needs to be edited and such._

_I hope you liked the chapter! And thank you all so much for the reviews! Really, 44 for two chapters?? You guys are AMAZING. Truly** amazing**.  
_

_Much love and enough cards to satisfy _your _addiction,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	4. Of Stupid Prefects and Goody Prude Shoes

**Chapter Three- Of Stupid Prefects and Goody Prude Shoes**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

After that little fiasco with the homework passes, I noticed that Potter was much more attentive to what he's been signing. I heard him giving Sam Collins of the Gryffindor Quidditch team (and a fellow prefect) twenty questions about the slip he needed to sign in order to get out of detention for McGonagal. Apparently Sam turned her favorite hat into a humming bird and it flew away. Though he claims it wasn't intentional, no one really believes Sam. He was right up there in pranking glory with the Marauders.

"How do I know this is _really_ from McGonagal?" he asked Sam in the library while I was studying with Alice. It was Sunday and we had a big test in Astronomy on Tuesday and neither of us knew our constellation charts. Those charts were boring and couldn't keep me from glancing up and staring at the conversation that was happening over Alice's shoulder.

"It's got her signature," Sam claimed. He held the slip out for James to see. "And I need _yours_ to prove that we've got Quidditch practice Wednesday and that I can't go to that _and_ the detention at the same time."

James snatched the slip and analyzed it, holding it both up to his face, and far away to see if the signature passed his inspection. I felt a bit smug, realizing that I was rubbing off on him. I mean _Potter_ checking signatures? I wouldn't have bet money on it.

Then again, I'm not really a gambler. Except for one time last year when Alice bet me that I couldn't get Frank Longbottom to buy me a butterbeer last year. I did it, although I told Frank it was for a bet and paid him back later, so I'm not sure that counts.

After determining it authentic, Potter signed it and gave it back to Sam. Sam started to walk away, but James quickly stopped him to ask which way he moved the wand in order to turn the hat into a humming bird.

Sam said you just have to make four quick zig zags and then he demonstrated on the shoe of a Hufflepuff seventh year. The 'shoe' started to fly but the seventh year, as if expecting this, pulled out his wand and turned it back to normal. The shoe fell to the floor with a thud and, barely taking his eyes off of the page, he pulled it over with an outstretched leg.

James grinned, thanked Sam, and Sam walked out of the library.

Okay, so old habits die hard.

"Do you have to patrol tonight?" Alice asked as we walked from the library towards the Common Room.

"Yep," I said with a grin. It was my first night patrolling as Head Girl and I was excited. Actually excited for patrolling. I had to meet Dylan Aggley at seven in front of the grand staircase.

Alice sighed.

"It's only for a couple hours," I said soothingly. "Do you're homework." She'd been procrastinating it all week, even when I threatened her with detention, but she shot back that I couldn't give her a detention for not doing her homework, only professors could. When I asked her how she knew that, she just grinned and pulled out a novel. Well, first she said that it wouldn't have mattered if she still had homework passes (it turns out they couldn't use mine) so technically it wasn't her fault.

Alice laughed. "Yeah. Right."

I shrugged. "Then suffer."

She rolled her eyes. "Such a good friend. You can't skiv off patrolling for _one_ night to be with your, might I remind you, _best mate_."

"Are you mad? I can't skip my first night of patrols."

"Oh, that's right. I forgot," she said, waggling her eyebrows like a loon. "You're going to patrol with Dylan Aggley!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked shooting a glare in her direction.

"Only that you _love_ him," she sang. She was a four year old trapped in a seventeen year olds body. I swear.

"Shove off. I've never even talked to him before."

Alice gave me a smug look. "Because you've been too busy _snogging_ him."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Alice. That's what I do in my spare time. All those times you thought I was sending letter's to Mum, I was off meeting Dylan for a midnight snogging session. Everything was planned."

"Well who else sends letter's at midnight?" she asked with a grin.

"It was a long letter! A letter which I didn't start until ten thirty."

"Uh huh." She wasn't convinced. I hated when she did this. "Whatever you say, Lily." Then she lowered her voice. "Head Girl's always honest, my ass."

I hit her in the arm.

"And violent," she added. "Don't worry. I'll be fine. All by my lonesome. While you're off snogging Aggley!"

And on that note, she took off up the stairs, two at a time.

I rolled my eyes (I always seem to be doing that around my friends) again, and continued walking up the stairs, trying to picture how patrolling was going to be. Fun, I expected. Well, better than spending the night sitting in the Common Room doing homework and looking up spells. And Dylan seemed nice, like good company.

Not as in good snogging company. I honestly have no idea what goes through Alice's brain besides snogging.

Besides, that's not really what the prefects did. I never went off and had intense snogging sessions when I should have been patrolling the halls and keeping kids out of detention. Unless they needed to be, of course.

But then again, I always patrolled with Remus. And he's Remus. You just don't snog Remus. Unless, you know, you're his girlfriend or something. But I'm not. I wasn't. Therefore, no snogging for Remus or I. Well, at least not together. I don't know what he does in his spare time. For all I know he _could_ be snogging someone.

I have heard that last year Judith McKay was caught snogging in the broom closet. But that was by the Head Boy and Girl, and she wasn't on duty. Though I wouldn't put it past her to do that while she was on duty.

Not that I have anything against Judith. She's just rather, well, she's not a very conservative girl. If you get what I mean.

She would be the one snogging Remus during patrolling hours. Not that I'm saying Remus would do that. But she would. He wouldn't let her, though. I hope.

No, Alice is just a loon. She doesn't know what she's talking about. Snogging on duty. Mad. Simply loony.

I don't know about James though. He seems like the type that would take his duty and completely annihilate it by snogging someone. Hell, I wouldn't put it pass him to be in the middle of writing out a detention (if he would even do that) and then just stop, mid-word, and snog the poor girl senseless.

Well, she wouldn't think she was a poor girl.

It's a commonly known fact here at Hogwarts that James is sought out by most of the female population. Of course, they're all mad, wanting someone that's cocky and late all the time.

How he got to be Head Boy...

By the time I'd finished the rant in my head, I'd reached the Common Room. It was six forty. I had to make my way back downstairs in a mere ten minutes anyway, so that I would be on time. So it was a rather pointless trip up there.

Alice was sitting by the fire, her Transfiguration homework spread out around her. She was nibbling on the end of her quill, looking extremely confused.

I sat down next to her.

"Oh thank Merlin," she said, looking up with a grateful smile. "I'm never running off like that again! I got here in a matter of minutes and was so bored that I actually resorted to doing _homework_."

I laughed.

"It was horrible, Lily. Homework." She twisted her face into a grimace, snapped the book shut, and tossed her papers to the side.

"It's not that bad," I said with a shrug. I didn't see why people thought homework was so horrible. It's not hard or anything. It expands your brain.

"_Not that bad_?" Alice asked astounded. "You're mad, Evans. Truly mad. I hate it. It's stupid and useless and I'll never need to know it later in life when I'm a famous something or other."

Alice liked to believe that she was going to be famous. She wasn't quite sure how she was going to get there, but she was sure it was going to happen.

"Well, if you want to become famous for finding a cure for something, like dragon pox, you'll need to know potions and such."

"I don't want to do _that_," she pointed out. "I'm just going to be famous."

"Sure, sure."

"You're the reason they forget the little people," she grumbled, but then grinned.

"Thanks. And when I'm famous for creating a polyjuice potion that lasts longer than an hour, I'll be sure to send you a fruit basket."

"So generous."

I grinned. "I thought so. It would have loads of peaches, of course," I added.

Alice's face fell. She _hated _peaches. She believed that they were the natural enemy to the apple.

"Don't you have someone to go snog?"

I looked down at my watch. Six forty eight. Two minutes.

"I've got time. And I'm not going to snog him, you prick."

"You're going to make him wait?" she asked, waggling her eyebrows. I rolled my eyes. "Oh, oh. I get it. Mysterious. You'll make him wonder what you were up to."

"Shove off," I said, taking a piece of her spare parchment, crumbling it into a ball, and chucking it at her head. "I'm leaving now. Have fun with your homework!"

She cringed as I stood up.

"Bye!" she called. "Have fun! Give the ickle imps loads of detentions!" A second year, I noticed, glared in her direction.

"See you in a bit."

By the time I got down to the grand staircase, I still had three minutes to wait. I would have been _just_ on time if Alice hadn't made me want to leave early.

I wandered around the base of the staircase for five minutes before Dylan showed up. Okay, so he wasn't the most punctual person in the world, but he definitely had more potential then Potter. And technically he was only two minutes late, because I was three early. So it was no big deal. I just hoped nobody caused trouble in those two minutes.

"Hey," he said, bounding down the staircase. "Sorry. I got caught up."

"It's all right. I just got here."

I was starting to get nervous. I'd never met this boy in my life (other than the Heads meeting and the prefect meetings last year, but I'd never actually said anything to him) and now I had to spend hours with him, making conversation, patrolling, and trying to keep things interesting. I may be able to multi-task homework but trying to keep conversation interesting was not my forte. The only thing I knew about him was that he was a fair haired, tall, lanky, sixth year Hufflepuff. I wasn't sure why I hadn't looked into getting more information about him from other students. How did that not occur to me?

I felt like a total and complete dolt.

"So, shall we start with the Charms corridor?" he asked lightly, obviously not sensing the awkwardness that was oozing off of me.

"Erm, sure," I responded. He started to walk and I followed him. _I_ followed _him_. He was a prefect. I was Head Girl. You'd think that I would be the one doing the leading.

Or maybe I was just thinking the old fashioned way. He might just be preparing in case he wanted to be Head Boy next year. Obviously. I was just being paranoid.

"So how long do we do this for?" he asked after walking out an empty classroom with his hands in his pockets.

I looked at my watch. "Only a couple more hours."

He sighed, which offended me a bit. Was I really that boring?

"Last year there was so much action! At least four detentions every night I had to patrol. It's like they're afraid of you. They know you're out." He grinned.

"Well, I didn't tell anyone about the schedule so- Wait, _four_ detentions a night?"

He nodded and we started down the hall again.

"Sometimes more, sometimes less. It all depended, really."

"I barely gave out any detentions last year," I mumbled. "Well, I guess I caught people loads of times. I just gave them a warning."

He nodded. "I guess us Hufflepuffs are just harsher than you Gryffindors."

I rolled my eyes. It all comes down to house competition. There would never be peace if everyone was constantly competing.

But Hufflepuff being harsher than Gryffindor?

I laughed. "Yeah. Right. Why do you think they're all scared of me?" I lied. Confrontation wasn't something I was big on, but he didn't need to know that.

But I couldn't believe I'd just lied to a prefect. Scratch that, I can't believe I just believably lied to a prefect.

He shrugged.

We walked in silence to the Transfiguration corridor.

A few minutes later, he chuckled.

"What?" I asked, looking around for something amusing. Suits of armor, pictures of children playing chess, big stone walls. What a laugh!

"Nothing, nothing," he said, shaking his head.

I rolled my eyes. "No. Now you have to tell me."

He chuckled some more. "I just can't believe how wrong my mates were," he finally said.

"What? Why?" I asked, confused because I still couldn't find whatever was funny. I mean, I'm sure his mates are probably very funny people, but I didn't know them... so I didn't know what was funny.

"Well, everyone was saying that we were going to be snogging instead of patrolling," Dylan said as I looked in an empty classroom.

I popped back out. "What? Really?"

He stood there looking extremely amused. "Yeah."

"Huh. Odd," I said, barely able to believe that our mates were equally mad. He raised an eyebrow in my direction. "It's just that Alice said the same thing. She said that's what everyone does while they're patrolling. Mad, eh?"

Dylan grinned. "Completely."

He disappeared into a classroom a few steps ahead of me. I waited for a second and he came back out.

"So," he continued. "Do you want to?"

"Want to what?" I asked distractedly as I peered into another classroom. Why we needed so many classrooms was beyond me. It's not like they're useful everyday. Maybe for storage or something. But other than that, they were just useless empty things with loads of desks. Okay, so not empty. But useless, except for the keeping desks in thing.

"Snog. Do you want to go snog?"

I stopped in my tracks a few paces out of the classroom and rose an eyebrow in his direction.

"Pardon?"

He grinned. "I was just wondering... obviously people do it all the time."

"Are you _mad_?" I asked as I got into Mad Lily stance. My hands immediately went to my hips, my chin went down, and I gave him my best You-Better-Watch-It-Or-I'll-Blow-Your-Head-Off glare.

He gave me a questioning look.

"You're absolutely mad!" I continued. "No. Absolutely _not_. _First off_ it's _completely_ against school rules. Second, we're on duty! And thirdly, you're _mad_! And I do not snog mad people!"

He was completely off his rocker! He had absolutely no right to do that, to ask that. None what so ever! He's lucky I didn't bring him down to Professor Sprout then and there, the little toerag.

I stormed off ahead of him, muttering angrily.

"Awe, Lily, come back!" he called, but I could hear the defeat in his voice.

Who does that? Honestly! It was absolutely ridiculous. If I'd thought of it at the time, I would have docked points. Damn, I should have. I can do that to prefects, and they can't do it to me.

I managed to finish my patrolling while avoiding Dylan the rest of the time. He had the west half of the castle and I had the east. Or at least, that's what I determined when I stomped over to the east side. I just assumed he stayed on the west side. Which was okay with me. He could have gone and snogged a suit of armor. The nerve.

At seven after eleven I reached the Common Room. Alice was still in there, reading another novel. Or, actually, she was asleep, the novel still propped up against her legs, but her head was tilted to the side.

I walked over and nudged her in the arm. Nothing. So I did it again and still nothing. "Alice," I whispered slowly, trying to be the good friend and not scare her by waking her up. But she still didn't respond. "Alice!" I said more loudly. And _still_ nothing. "Alice!" I said even louder and this time with a swat in the head.

She jumped with a jolt. "Merlin, Lily. Jeez." She looked at her watch and sighed. "Well, I only fell asleep fifteen minutes ago."

"Let's go up to the dorm."

She mumbled a yes, or what I was assuming yes, because she lead the way. "How was it?" she asked before yawning as we went up the stairs.

"Awful."

She chuckled. "Aggley not the best snogger then?"

I laughed as well. "No respect. He actually _wanted_ to snog. Just to stop our duties and snog!"

Alice laughed loudly. "I _told_ you! That's all anyone ever wants to do! I know that and I never was a prefect!"

"Yeah, well..." I pushed the door to the dorm open quietly. Marlene was snoring softly on the other side of the room. "It was ridiculous. He was nice at first."

Alice sighed solemnly. "They all are."

"I wouldn't go that far."

"True, very true."

The next morning in the Great Hall for breakfast, even though I was in a very good light-hearted mood, I was getting plenty of weird looks, particularly from the Hufflepuff table. I came down early, not bothering to wait for Alice and Marlene because Marlene was still in the shower by the time I was finished getting ready and Alice was looking for her tie.

"Merlin Evans, what'd you do to them?" Potter asked. He walked over and sat next to me, but facing the opposite direction. He was giving the Hufflepuff table a raised eyebrow. I turned to see their reaction and I saw Dylan Aggley whisper something to one of his mates who was giving me a weird look.

I gasped.

"It looks like you put itching powder in their pants. Clever."

"I didn't put itching powder in their pants," I clarified, mainly to a second year who'd overheard that. With all my luck, he were friends with one of them and would returned the favor to me on their behalf.

"What'd you do then?"

Grinning despite myself, I answered. "I didn't snog Aggley during last nights patrols."

"Pardon?"

"What?"

"What did you just say?"

"I wouldn't snog Aggley last night?" I questioned. He was looking at me curiously but a smirk quickly spread across his face.

"_That_ explains it," he exclaimed.

"Explains what?" I asked confused and annoyed. You never really got the entire story with James Potter. Just the bits and pieces he used to make you go completely mad and then you'd have to hex him. Unfortunately, as Head Girl I didn't think it'd be entirely right to hex the Head Boy so I just stared at him until he answered me.

"What I overheard this morning."

I rolled my eyes. "And that would be...?"

"'I always knew that Lily Evans was a goody-goody,'" he quoted, leaning his elbows against the table as he did so.

"What?" I asked shocked, but finding the whole thing amusing. "He called me a _goody-goody_?" Ha!

James nodded. "I guess it explains why you'd never go out with me. Stunning good looks, charming personality, the works. What isn't there to love?"

I glared at him, but wasn't in the mood to be completely upset. A goody-goody? Really? Dylan Aggley thought that I wasn't outgoing?

"I wouldn't snog him on duty," I said out loud, more to myself than to the only present company I had, "so now he's calling me a good-goody."

"Obviously you need to be more rebellious, Evans," he said with a chuckle. I turned to look at him. He was sitting up again, no longer using his elbows, and for a split second I thought he was going to kiss me because of all of this snogging talk. It must have been my brain going mad. But he just stood up and said, "Being a rebel isn't _that_ bad." He shook his head, flicking his hair out of his eyes. "I'm just glad you weren't one with Aggley."

After giving me an expression of disgust, he winked and walked away leaving me to ponder my options of being a goody-goody prude shoes.

_A/n: Hello there amazing readers! Here's chapter four. Crazy hormone driven prefects who just want to go around and snog the Head Girl. Obviously Lily would not deal with that. Head Boys on the other hand... Haha, just kidding. Nothing like that is going to happen quite that soon. Or at all. I mean snogging in the halls? How tacky. :P Anyway, before I make myself sound more like a completely crazy person, I wanted to say thanks again for reading. And for all of the reviews. It makes me happy and I brag about them all the time. You guys make me arrogant. Lovely. :D_

_Anyway, it's spring break but I've got an idea for chapter five. It should be up soon, but no specific dates. Stupid time limits make me panic and then it won't turn out good._

_Thanks for reading! Much love and a bag of marshmallows for you to play football with!_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	5. Tricks of the trade

**Tricks of the trade.**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

More rebellious? _Me?_ I didn't need to be more rebellious, did I? Am I so _un_rebellious that I'm called a 'goody-goody' behind my back? I mean, I've done crazy things! I've done _loads_ of crazy things. Who was James Potter, and Dylan Aggley for that matter, to call _me_ unrebellious? Just because I don't go around snogging the random prefects I'm patrolling with does _not_ give Aggley the right to call me a 'goody-goody'. And for Merlin's sake, couldn't he think of a better way to put that? Someone needs to put a thesaurus in his stocking this Christmas.

For instance, I've copied Alice's homework before. Granted, I didn't feel so right about it afterwards, but I did it all the same! I've nicked a quill from Marlene when she wasn't looking. Of course, I bought her a new one during our next Hogsmade trip and snuck it in her bag when she wasn't looking. I've... I've...

Oh bleeding Merlin.

I _am_ a goody-goody.

But really if Aggley thought I was going to actually go off into an empty supply closet and just have a random snog because that's what everyone assumed, he probably got whacked in the head with one too many broomsticks as a child. And a supply closet? Oh yes, really classy. I've always wanted to inhale cleaning supplies while snogging. It was on my list of things to do. Right up there with become an auror and pass Arithmacy. Number three on the list.

But where does_ Potter _get off saying I'm not rebellious? I mean, sure, I never agreed to go out with him. But if someone who constantly made fun of the color of your hair in first year ("It looks like your head is on fire, Evans!" he'd comment in his squeaky, prepubescent voice), the freckles on your nose in second year ("Have an unfortunate encounter with a jar of paint?" That one was more annoying because it didn't make sense, but got a laugh out of Sirius anyway.), the color of your eyes in third year ("A dragon sneeze in your face and you couldn't remove the color damage?" Yes, Potter, real clever. Though this was slightly amusing because his voice had started changing a bit so it would squeak on 'face' and 'color'), and by fourth year he was declaring his undying love for me ("You know Evans, you have a lot of problems, but I'm willing to accept those problems and with my good looks make the perfect couple."), would you go out with them? I didn't think so.

Needless to say, I thought I had a very good reason (well, multiple reasons actually) to turn him down.

"Alice, you think I'm rebellious, right?" I asked Tuesday afternoon after classes. I'd deliberated over it for two days before finally cracking and asking Alice. Which was a bad move on my part.

Alice snorted. "Good God, no. Wasn't it you who planned our entire Hogsmade trip, almost minute for minute, in third year so that we would always be busy and wouldn't be surprised by spontaneity?"

"Well, you didn't want to wander off and get lost without being able to protect yourself, did you?" I grumbled in response. It was purely for safety reasons. If we were always busy, we couldn't go do anything random and wouldn't have the opportunity to get lost and mugged.

"Marlene can throw a good punch and you know it," Alice claimed. Okay, so that much was true. Marlene could punch pretty hard. One time in second year I commented on how her hair stuck up oddly that day and she socked me right in the arm. I had a bruise there for _two weeks._

"That's not the point."

"Lily, Jeremiah Luinski is more rebellious than you."

Okay, that was taking it too far. Jeremiah had four- _four_- pet flobberworms. Enough said? I'd say so.

"Oh, he is not. He plans which what socks he's going go wear everyday. You know full and well I grab whichever socks are on top."

She rolled her eyes, and ignored my socks comment. He really did, though. Planned out which socks he was going to wear, I mean. Who _does_ that? As long as they're school approved (at least, as long as they match the uniform) I'll wear them. I mean, when I wear just pants, I really don't give a damn whether my socks match.

"Why? Who made you think you were rebellious?" she asked.

"No one made me think I was. It's just that everybody says I'm _not_."

"Well, they're telling the truth. Head Girls aren't supposed to be rebellious. They're supposed to be as if they descended from the heavens only to to help and control the society."

I stared at her, jaw down to the ground. "You've got to stop reading those books. They're really getting to your head."

She glared at me and shifted to hide _The Tale of Spell-Crossed Lovers_ behind her back. "My _point_ is that you're not rebellious."

"Am I a goody-goody?"

"Yes."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No, really. Stop joking around. I'm not."

I know what you're thinking: Why even ask if you're going to deny it? Well, Alice is a jester! You can't always take her seriously. Actually, just then I was being extremely- you'll never guess- stubborn.

"Lily, you stopped in the hall yesterday to help a _first year Slytherin _pick up his books."

"He almost got stepped on." And smushed Slytherin on the hallway floor? Ew.

"He was a Slytherin. You don't help Slytherins. In fact, you hope that they do get stepped on. Good riddance."

"How would that make me look as Head Girl?"

"It'd make you look like a Gryffindor."

"Fine." I'll accept the fact that I am a Gryffindor and that helping the Slytherin was just maybe a bit too much. "But how do I become more rebellious? Or is that too strong of a word? How do I become less of a _goody-goody_?" That double word made me cringe, I'd been thinking about it for way too long.

Alice shrugged. How come whenever I needed her help, she was absolutely useless but when I needed her to shut up she always had a comment to throw in. "Ask Marlene. She's way more rebellious than you and I combined. Not that you contribute much to that."

Actually, that wasn't a bad idea. Ignoring the comment about my lack of contribution, I grinned at my loony mate and stood up. "Brilliant."

Alice snorted. "You're actually going to ask Marlene how to be rebellious?"

"Well, yeah. I don't want people to think that the Head Girl is a goody-goody!" I was shocked by what came out of my mouth. I mean, honestly. Isn't it a good thing to be a good person? Isn't it good to have a good reputation? Who would be a rebel by _choice_ when they already had a nice, calm, uncomplicated (minus the whole having to work with Potter as Heads and being asked to snog during patrolling) life?

Alice stared up at me confused. "Isn't that how it's always been?" There was a smirk on her face, like she could tell this was going to end, well, strangely. And I can't say I disagreed. This was a major step for a goody-goody.

"I don't know."

"Good luck, then."

I marched to the Quidditch pitch to find Marlene. That was generally where you could find the girl, seeing as the bleachers were also a prime spot for snogging parties. And because she was the Keeper on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. I know what you're thinking. Marlene and sports? What? Well, she's actually quite good at quidditch. She's no Margot Fidwhinskey (the best Keeper in the history of all Keepers, or so she claims. I wouldn't know. I don't look up random facts about quidditch in my spare time) of course, but she was decent enough to get picked, by James Potter no less. Quidditch dictator extraordinaire.

There was practice going on. The team was swooping across the pitch while she determinedly flew around her goal posts, waiting for some sign of the quaffle. Potter was yelling orders out to everyone in hopes that they would become better, but to be honest, they were already the best team in Hogwarts (and I'm not just saying that because I'm biased, we've won the cup for the past five years).

"Collins, you thought that was good aim?" he shouted to Sam. Sam was chuckling. "Did you see how fast she had to fly to get there? Sirius was right in front of you!"

"It was only because she was distracted by my marvelous good looks, dear captain," Sam retorted happily, not at all put off by James's comments on his apparent bad aim. "If she'd been paying attention to the quaffle rather than my bulky biceps, she would have been right up to speed."

"Don't you pass this off on me!" Ellen cried, annoyed by Sam's antics.

"Sam," Potter said, annoyed tension in his face. He was pinching the bridge of his nose. "Ellen is a _beater. _You shouldn't be throwing the quaffle to her anyway!"

I snorted as I heard that. Even I, with the most quidditch deficient brain in existence, knew how ridiculous that was.

"She was open. Sirius had a bludger coming towards him," Sam said with a shrug. As long as I've known Sam, which has been a couple years, he's always driven Potter mad, which is why I like him so much. He likes to make him worry, especially about Quidditch, even though he knows exactly what he's doing. The kids got moxie.

"If you want to be ready for this match against Ravenclaw next month you've got to learn to pass to the _Chasers_!" James yelled in defeat.

"Awe, don't worry, Captain," Sam said sympathetically. "I know to throw to the chasers."

"You'll be the death of me, Collins, I swear," James responded, but his ever lasting grin appeared back upon his face.

"Oi! Lets get this practice over with!" Marlene shouted from her position at the hoops.

"Right! Okay team, now I want to see..."

I wandered over to the bleachers to wait for Marlene to be done. She saw me walking over and waved. I motioned for her to wait for me when she finished.

They practiced drills that looked too complicated for anyone to do, let alone little fragile Marlene. She flew through the right hoop and snatched the quaffle right before it went through the middle one, then looped back around above everyone and tossed it backwards over her head where Sirius caught it and shot off down to the other end of the pitch. Sirius, laughing, threw it through and did a celebratory dance in the air.

"Get a grip, Padfoot. Ravenclaw might be easy but they _will_ have a Keeper in their hoops."

Sirius rolled his eyes and continued his dance, at least until Ellen hit a bludger at him and he had to dodge it.

Quidditch players are very violent.

After many drills, that had I done I would have died very, very quickly, practice finally ended. The rest of the team winced and groaned and complained about how James was a dictator who never should have been allowed a broom while Marlene flew over to me and landed gracefully on the bleachers.

"What brings you here?" she asked as she pushed lose strands of hair out of her eyes.

Remembering my mission, I opened my mouth to tell her. "I ... need your help."

Marlene grinned wickedly, most likely thinking of ways to use this to her advantage. Aren't friends supposed to help you in all times of need, and not try to benefit from it? Or is that just some golden dream that can never really be achieved because as much as your friends care about you, they love seeing you embarrassed much, much more?

"My help?" she repeated, a toothy grin on her face.

"Yes. Well... you see... I'm... not too, well, _outgoing_." That seemed like a good way to phrase it.

"Not outgoing? You're one of the most outgoing people I know!"

Okay, maybe that wasn't quite the word I needed.

"What I meant was..." I thought carefully of how I could say this without her laughing. "I need you to help me... be more _rebellious_."

Marlene rose an eyebrow. Good. She wasn't laughing yet.

Sitting down, she said, "What? Why?"

I explained the 'situation' to her, about wanting to prove to Potter and Aggley that I'm not just some goody-goody who will do anything to help a professor.

Marlene looked at me curiously and a grin spread across her face.

"You want to prove to... wait. Wait." She glanced off to the right to think about the situation. "_You_ want to prove to _Potter_ that you're not a goody-goody?" she asked with a loud laugh.

"And Aggley and all the rest of those Hufflepuffs, too!" I added, remembering the looks they were giving me after the patrolling. This wasn't just for Potter. I scoffed at the thought. Like I would do anything just to prove something to Potter. "So. Can you help me?"

"I think I'm up to the challenge."

I grinned. That was easy.

"Really? You'll help me?"

"Of course! What, you thought I was going to let you stay a good girl? You obviously don't know me, Evans. Sit back and watch. I'm going to corrupt your youthful innocence."

That sounded promising, if slightly strange. Marlene tended to take things a bit too far, but if it would help me prove to Potter that I'm not just some rule abiding, homework doing, non-snogging, Head Girl, then I could try it, right? And hopefully not get expelled in the process...

Marlene went off to take a shower because she really did smell. Though I don't think it was all her. The smell of quidditch players tended to ban together to create one giant foul odor that stuck to every member of the team. And the Gryffindor odor was really quite disgusting.

Instead of waiting, I made my way back up to the Common Room to tell Alice that Marlene was going to help me. Alice, of course, was unsurprised by this news and I started to think that she must have part Seer in her or something because nothing really surprises Alice.

"So how is she going to help you?" Alice asked. She was sucking on a sugar quill and lounging across the couch.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I'm sure she'll come up with something."

"Is it just going to be random tasks of rebellion? Or are you going to take lessons, with notes?" she asked sarcastically and smirking.

"It's not funny," I grumbled. "This is really annoying. If I'd have known that people thought of me as a-" I lowered my voice to a mocking level- "_goody-goody_, I would have tried to fix it ages ago."

"I still don't understand what the big deal is. You're a good person. People respect you. Why change?"

"Not everyone."

"Okay, just because Aggley thought he could snog you on duty doesn't mean he doesn't respect you." I looked at her skeptically. "Okay, maybe it does. But really, Lily, you could take him."

I laughed. Thinking back to it, his arms _were_ pretty scrawny. And I bet his wand work isn't that fabulous to begin with. I could just charm him into a button. Or a peacock. Or something.

"It's not just Dylan, though. All of his friends in Hufflepuff probably think of me as a pushover. And if _Hufflepuffs_ think I'm a pushover then..." I shuddered. Not to mention, if the entire lot of the sixth year Hufflepuff boys went missing and all that was left of them were buttons or peacock feathers, I was sure someone would get suspicious.

"Who cares what they think?" Alice asked, glancing down frustrated at her dwindling sugar quill.

"Not to mention Potter. The Head Boy thinks I'm not rebellious enough."

"It's just James. I still don't understand the problem..."

"The problem," I stated, "is that I need to be more like you and Marlene and less of a do-gooder."

"This is going to take a lot of work," Alice said with a grin and a mischievous glint in her eye that- dare I say-that almost matched that of the Marauders. "Seventeen years of morals need to be chipped away."

* * *

_A/n: Phew. You'd think that, it being my spring break and all, I would have too much time on my hands and would have updated at least 17 times. Yeah, well I do have a lot of time on my hands, but you wouldn't _believe_ how hard it was for me to write this chapter. I had it open all day (a day in which I got attacked by a spider- a spider! Ridiculous? I think so, but it was freaking huge!) plus, obviously, some days prior in hopes that something would come out and rewrote it at least three times. And finally (after listening to a bajillion McFly songs and drinking Mountain Dew to give me the sugar rush I needed) I came up with that thing._

_Sorry, by the way, about the lack of L/J (lack? try none...) moments. But don't worry, I swear there's a lot more coming up. You wouldn't believe how inspiring Horton Hears a Who can be._

_Thank you SO SO SO much for the reviews. It makes me happy, and will probably get me through my exams (which don't start until next month-ish but I need to start studying now... haha)!_

_Much love, some nice weather, and the hope a spider doesn't crawl in your pocket (3 things!!),_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	6. Saving Lily from killing Ravenclaws

**Saving Lily from killing Ravenclaws since 1977**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

It was announced a few days later that my rebel lessons would be taught in _phases_. I'd have different phases, starting easy and gradually growing more and more difficult. If this didn't prove that my friends were absolutely mad, I didn't know what would.

"Phase one," Marlene started with a wicked grin, "is simply to let your hair down."

It was the first day of my "training" as Marlene and Alice called it when they were trying to be incognito. Though it gave off the impression that I was like a secret agent and I've had more than one of the younger students asking me if I was an auror ("No."), if I'd caught a death eater before and if so, was it cool ("No, and even if I had it would be the farthest from 'cool.'"), and if I knew Gerard Drivini, the famous auror of our time ("No, of course not! Besides, Jaslene McPiper is a much better auror anyway!" to which they would reply "But Gerard has a great body." and I'd have to answer with "Well, yeah, but that doesn't make him a better auror." and they would reluctantly agree.).

They, Alice and Marlene that is, not the little kids asking all of the annoying questions, thought this was hysterical and started talking about my "training" more often and much more loudly in the halls than was completely necessary.

We were sitting in the almost deserted, save for a couple fifth years, Common Room. Marlene and Alice were "teaching" me how to be rebellious. They were standing in front of me, arms crossed, and determined expressions on their faces.

I grinned. "I'm one step ahead of you," I said mockingly, twirling a strand of hair around my fingers. "My hair's already down. What next?"

"Not that, you idiot," Marlene said, rolling her eyes. Obviously she didn't get my attempt at humor. It was basically all I could do at this point. I'd more or less put my life in their hands. "You need to be more relaxed. More mellow."

Alice gave me the peace sign behind Marlene's back. I tried not to smile, I really did! But even the best of us can't hold back sometimes.

If my errupting into random snorts of laughter didn't tip Marlene off, then Alice's chuckles must have done it. "Alice, I'm going to make you go sit on the other side of the room if you don't stop," Marlene threatened. She was in dictator mode, something, I'm assuming, she learned from spending countless hours with James Potter at quidditch practice. I hadn't had enough time to un-Potter her recently.

"Sorry, _Mum_," Alice grumbled, recrossing her arms and sticking her tongue out at Marlene's turned head. Remember? Mind of a four year old, body of a seventeen year old?

Yes. My friends were absolutely mad in case you forgot, or something.

"Mellow," I repeated, grinning slyly up at her. I could be mellow. It couldn't be that hard.,

"Mellow. For instance, if you're in class and the teacher asks you a question, you...?" She left the question hanging specifically for me to answer. And the answer was obvious. Any idiot with a brain knew it.

"...you raise your hand and tell them your answer." Duh. Sheesh Marlene. If this was all it took to learn to be rebellious, I'd say we'd only have to meet about three or four more times before I was Lily Evans, Queen of Rebellion! Or, you know, court member.

"Wrong."

What? "What?" How could that be wrong. That's what you're _supposed_ to do. Unless you don't know the answer, of course. Then you sit there and make sure you hear it. How can that not be the answer? Should I have added the part about listening in, too? Maybe five more lessons.

"Wrong," Marlene repeated.

"Trust us, Lily. We know what we're talking about," Alice said with a nod. "We are, after all, the rebellious ones."

"How is that _wrong_?" I asked, looking between my two completely mad friends. I was obviously right.

"You sit there," Marlene stated.

"What? Just sit? But if you know the ans-"

"Mellow," the two said at the same time. Kind of freaky, but I didn't point that out. I was still trying to figure out what in the name of Merlin's trousers they were talking about.

"That's not being mellow," I said. "That's just being lazy."

"Lazy. Mellow." Alice shrugged. "Same thing, really."

"No."

"Trust us," Marlene said. Alice nodded again.

God. What were my friends on? The Floo Powder? I wouldn't be surprised. Well, I would. But that's what it seemed like at the moment. So if they randomly declared that they were, indeed, smoking the floo power at that very moment, it wouldn't come as a complete shock. Any other time, though, it would.

"So... you want _me_ to sit there and not answer questions in class? Even if I know the answer?" I asked, trying to burn this insanity into my brain.

"Yup."

"Now you've got it."

"You're both mad," I said with a laugh. "Utterly _bonkers_."

"We may be bonkers," Marlene said wisely. "But we are mellow bonkers."

I flopped onto my side. "No answering questions? _That's_ the first step to rebellion?"

"Isn't that easy?" Alice asked happily, dancing over to my side. She sat next to me and tugged on my arm until I came up again.

"Very," I replied sarcastically.

"We know this is going to be hard for you, Lily," Marlene said. She smirked and took my other side. "But even when Professor Flitwick asks a question and the answer is burning in your throat, you keep your mouth shut. If I see your hand fly up in the air even once, I'm going to tell the Marauders they have full rights to hit you with those revolting spit wads they always have."

"Potter wouldn't do that," I said automatically, thinking that the Head Boy position was more important than spit wads.

Alice and Marlene just exchanged gins, making me doubt Potter's trusting abilities. Great.

I spent the rest of the night focusing on how to apply my training and Phase One to everyday situations and by the time my first class came around the next day, I thought I had it settled. Yeah, no. Being mellow was _hard_.

"Now, can anyone tell me the incantation for the duplication charm?" Professor Flitwick asked in his sqeaky voice. He was standing atop a large pile of books on his chair looking around hopefully at the class.

I made to raise my hand, but Marlene kicked the back of my chair. _Hard_. I jerked forward, but my hand went down. Which is good because I didn't want James Potter's spit wads hitting me in the back of the neck. Or Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, or Peter Pettigrew spit wads either for that matter.

Instead, I folded my arms in my lap and stared off into space, but my brain was screaming _Geminio! _Of course I couldn't say it. Alice was smirking to my right. She could probably see the nail marks I was leaving in my arm.

Was it _that_ bad to want to answer a simple question? How was this helping me learn to being a rebel member of the Gryffindor house?

"You don't realize how ridiculously hard that was," I mumbled to Alice, after feeling guilty about how Flitwick's eyes lingered on me, waiting for my hand to shoot up, and then looking away disappointed when it never did.

"It's okay," Alice said sympathetically, even though she was grinning like a nutcase, which completely ruined the effect. "You've got to beat those bookworm tendencies so that you don't _want_ to raise your hand anymore. You can still answer, sometimes. Just not as much. And since you're in training right now, you can't really answer at all."

"At all?" I asked desperately, cursing the day my mum decided to teach me that school was important.

She nodded. "Don't worry. Once you're a top notch rebel like Marlene and I-" I snorted here, and quickly ducked my head down as Flitwick looked over in our direction again, though this time for disciplinary reasons as opposed to educational- "it'll come easier."

"Whatever you say Alice," I replied, loosening the ridiculously tight grip I had on my own arm.

So the rest of that day was excruciatingly difficult, not answering the questions I knew in all of my classes. In Potions, Slughorn was absolutely astonished that I didn't know the answer to the question about Felix Felicis, an easy topic that we covered last year. In Transfiguration, though not quite my best subject, McGonagal looked like as if all her hopes and dreams were just eaten by a gnome when I didn't tell her why some people are left with mustaches after turning back to human form after being a particularly furry animagus. In Arithmacy, Professor Vector... well, actually, Arithmacy was the same. I never participated in that class anyway. But the rest of the classes were torturous.

Which is why I took to residing in the Common Room during dinner instead of going down with Marlene and Alice. I needed a break from being 'mellow' around people.

"Lily?" I jumped up out of my mellow stance (casually sitting on the chair with my legs draped across one of the arms and my head lying against the other).

"Yes, Potter?" I asked, trying to straighten myself out. My shirt was twisted from being in such an uncomfortable (but mellow) position and I'm pretty sure my skirt was on sideways. Oh, don't worry. My legs were firmly crossed whilst in mellow position. I'm not _that _much of a rebel. Though I think that would be straddling the line between 'Rebel' and 'Slag'.

"Are you, er, all right?" he asked. His head was cocked to the side, staring at me like I was the most ridiculous person on the planet, which I'm sure is what I looked like at the time. I was not used to the mellow stance yet. And that was only sitting! Marlene says it's going to be great, learning how to be mellow while _standing_.

"Fine, fine," I said, finally getting my skirt right and my shirt straightened. Though I think my hair was in a wonderful knot (and not an elegant knot, like Alice can achieve, a knot-knot that takes loads of Madame Clissa's _Untangle Me Now _potion to fix) on the back of my head. I reached up to fix it but my band was no where to be found. What I mean is, I think my hair ate it.

Honestly, why can't I have normal hair, like Alice or Marlene? You don't see _their_ hair eating their bands, do you? I didn't think so. My hair on the other hand? Possessed by a demon. No doubt about it.

"What is it that you need?" I asked, looking around myself, making sure there weren't any other things that should be fixed. You know, missing socks, shoes, limbs...

Turing his expression from peculiar to business, he answered, "Well, some of the Ravenclaws have been complaining about the sign you posted in their Common Room."

It took me a second to figure out what sign he was talking about. But then I remembered; the Chocolate Frog Card sign. What with all this rebellion that had been happening, I had completely forgotten about it. Hopefully Alice and Marlene didn't get ahold of them and auction them off at dinner or something...

"Complaining about what?" I asked, taking a strand of hair that had somehow fallen out of the war that was happening on the back of my head and pushing it behind my ear, where, thankfully, it stayed in place.

Potter chuckled. "They just said that they were smart enough to know if any of them were missing chocolate frog cards and that they would have came to us. In fact, they said that you offended them. Good job, Evans." He patted me on the shoulder and I shrugged his arm away.

"_Offended them_?" I asked, confused. "How is that offensive?"

Potter shrugged. "I don't know. They're mad if you ask me. But they asked if we could take the sign down."

"_Take the sign down?_"

What? Were they so independent that they didn't need the help from the heads? Was that it? I was ready to march right over to their Common Room and-

Whoa. That was a very... unLilyish thought. Dare I say it was, even the tiniest bit, rebellious? Wow. I was impressed. One day of being mellow was already paying off! Or I was just on a major rush of sleep deprivation, but I was going to go with the first. Sitting in a chair uncomfortably, yet mellowly, got me off on a brain ramble.

"Yeah," Potter said slowly, taking a step back.

"Lovely. Great. Fan-bloody-tastic. I try to be a _good person _and they take my sign down." I pushed the sleeves to my sweater up. "I'm going to go down to that Common Room and give those Ravenclaws a piece of my-"

"Evans... er... are you _sure_ you're all right?" Potter asked again. He looked slightly scared of what I was capable of. Awesome. This rebellion thing had it's benefits!

"Brilliant," I responded with a grimace.

"I don't... think so..." he said. "Come on."

"Come on where?" I asked, marching to the portrait hole, fifteen paces ahead of him. "The Ravencl-" But he interrupted me.

"Have you ever tickled a pear?" he asked quietly, catching up quickly.

"_What?_"

This was no time to be talking about pears, Potter! I had some Ravenclaws to take care of!

"Have you ever tickled a pear?" he repeated, this time stepping in front of me.

"Quit playing games, Potter or I'm going to vanish your pants and take care of the Ravenclaws on my own."

"Well, Lily, if you want my pants to disappear, there's no need to use magic vanish them," he said with the Marauder grin on his face in a split second.

Yeah, no doubt about it. I walked right into that one. But I was too angry at the Ravenclaws (yes, for wanting to take down one measly sign- I was trying to be a good Head Girl! And what do I get? Disrespect!) to be angry at Potter that time. Which was good, because I was fully capable of vanishing his pants, whether he was willing to take them off himself or not. "Anyway, back to my original question," he continued as I marched out the portrait hole and down the hall. "Have you ever tickled a pear?"

Finally, I stopped to his satisfaction. "What is with you and bloody pears?" I asked loudly.

He chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. I almost reached over to grab his wrist and shove it back to his side, but he finished too quickly, thank Merlin. Obviously being a mellow rebel makes you do rash things. I'm going to have to move onto stage two, and quickly.

"Well, I've got a secret." He was grinning again, but not the Marauder smirk. It was more of- I bet you'll never guess- an 'I've got a secret that I'm going to tell you but you're going to have to wait a few moments to hear because I'm a cruel, cruel person who likes to make you suffer' smirk. And boy did I want to wipe it off his face. "And it involves a pear."

I rolled my eyes and tapped my foot impatiently. Seriously, how did he get to be Head Boy? This is quite cruel. All I wanted to do was knock out a couple Ravenclaws and he was standing in front of me babbling about _pears_ of all things.

"Really Potter?" I asked harshly. "I never would have guessed that it had anything to do with a _pear_. Really, please enlighten me more about the magic of this _pear_."

Potter, like me, rolled his eyes, but smirked all the same. "And you've got to tickle it."

"Oh, really cleve- _what_? How does- what did you say? Tickling it?- how does tickling a _pear_ help me teach some of those ickle little Ravenclaws respect?"

My anger seemed to subside, strangely enough, at this point. I was actually quite interested in this ticklish pear, as Potter claimed it to be. I mean, I know Hogwarts has surprises, but none of the ones I've ever encountered had to deal with tickling various fruits.

"It doesn't," he responded simply.

"Potter," I said slowly, trying my very best not to strangle him. "What the bloody hell are you _talking_ about?"

"Language, Evans," he said tauntingly, waggling a finger in my direction.

You might be wondering why I was still standing there, having Potter inform me about a ticklish pear while I should have been hanging Ravenclaws (I know! It wasn't a very Head Girl-esque thing to want to do!) out the window. Well, I can honestly tell you: I had absolutely no idea. None what so ever. I could have left at any second to go and lecture those smarty pants about respect and all that jazz, but I didn't. Alice and Marlene's madness must have been rubbing off on me.

I tried to smile sweetly as I looked at him, but adrenaline, and possibly rage, was running through my veins. Needless to say my 'sweet smile' turned into a grim grimace. Sticking to alliterations. Great. Being a rebel (yes, only for one and a bit days) truly has effected my brain.

"Please, Potter," I said. "Please inform me of what in the bleeding hell you're talking about."

Better. Somewhat.

He chuckled again, but thankfully started to make some sort of sense. Kind of.

"Well," he started. "It's not a _real_ pear." The wall next to him looked like a prime spot to start bashing my head against. And I was going to do that if he didn't bloody hurry up. "It's a portrait."

"A... portrait?" I questioned.

"Yes," he continued. "A portrait of fruit actually. In a basket. Not just pears, though. Apples, bananas, strawberries, grapes. Loads of fruit."

"Wh-"

"But you don't have to tickle all of the fruit. Just the pear. It turns into a doorknob and that leads you to the surprise."

"The surprise..." I repeated skeptically.

"Yeah."

"Potter?"

"Yeah?"

"You're bloody _mad_!" I shouted, taking off down the hall again.

He groaned. "Ah, Evans. Come back here! Listen to me!"

I ignored him and kept walking towards the Ravenclaw Common Room, most of my anger coming back to me. But not enough to drown the thoughts of ticklish pears and portraits of fruit baskets from my mind.

Potter ran up to meet me, catching my arm and pulling me to a stop. I'm sad to say that I _did_ stop because of that nagging voice in my head that said _What's behind the portrait of fruit containing a ticklish pear? _Do you see how mad I've gone? Honestly, what are Marlene and Alice doing to me? They'll have me in Saint Mungos in mere months, I swear.

"You look like you could use some time to relax," he said.

"I can relax after I go hex those Ravenclaws."

"That's not a very Head Girl type of thing to do," he pointed out. And you know what? _That's_ what stopped me. I mean, James Potter telling me what's right and wrong? The boy who was just rambling to me about a ticklish pear is the same boy that just stopped me from going to kill the Ravenclaws? Granted, it was a stupid reason to be mad, but I didn't realize until I went to bed that most of my rebellion from that day was, in fact, pent up PMS, exploding out like word and suddenly rash action vomit all at once. Oh well, whatever gets the rebellion done, I 'spose. "I mean, you don't want to go down in history as the very first Head Girl to actually murder a student, do you?"

He was grinning at me, and it worked. I didn't want to go kill the Ravenclaws anymore. Or dangle them out of the windows. Or hex them until their toes fell off.

To be quite honest... I wanted to go tickle a pear.

_A/n: Sorry for such a delay. I'm trying to think of a good reason, but really I guess it was I wanted to have as much fun during my spring break as possible. Not that writing this isn't fun! I wanted to be outside. And my computer isn't capable of going outside. Well, it is. But it'd be pretty useless seeing as it would have to be unplugged. But yeah, I was outside doing a bunch of random stuff for a while, and then completely dreading Monday (because really, who doesn't?) because it was the first day back after an awesome break. I know, I know. I'm horrible. But I'm also slightly tanned and kind of back in school mode. Oh, that's such a lie. I'm so in summer mode it's not even funny._

_Anyway, here's chapter 6! Yay! Everybody dance! Okay. I wanted to comment on how _awesome_ all of you are. Seriously. The reviews I'm getting are AMAZING. I couldn't ask for better readers. Seriously. Awesome. If I could, I would send you all shoes and hats and socks. Lots of socks. Because everybody (including Mike Welch) needs socks._

_Okay, wow, this is getting long and rambly. Anyway, I'm done. I hope you liked the chapter! Remember: Reviews are appreciated and encouraged! But, of course, you guys know that. Because you're so friggen amazing. (Oh! What color prom dress should I get??)_

_Much love and a boy to go tickle a pear with,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	7. Jaw Lines, Milk Haters, and Phase Two

So, I've finally figured out why some blokes have really amazing jaws

**This one goes out to C-ral because without her, Lily wouldn't have tickled a pear. grins**

**Jaw lines, Milk Haters, and Phase Two**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

So, I've finally figured out why some blokes have _really _amazing jaw lines! It all makes sense, I can't figure out why no one has thought of this before! I mean, Alice, Marlene, and I have sat there at breakfast countless times, pondering over how in the name of Merlin and his Great Aunt Fay some of the blokes at Hogwarts have such nice jaws. Particularly Maxwell Emersons. That... _god_ had the nicest jaw line any of us had ever seen in our entire life.  
But would you like the know the secret? Seriously, it's so obvious you'll smack yourself for not noticing it before.  
Food. It's _food_. And, well, chewing obviously. The reason so many blokes have such nice jaw lines is because they _never stop eating_! See what I mean by common sense? I mean, obviously they're constantly chewing and then that has to lead to _something_. And you'll never guess who lead me to figuring this out.  
James. Bleeding. Potter.  
The boy who took me on a voyage to _tickle a pear_! Yes, he is the reason I figured out why blokes have nice jaws!  
"I take it this is the portrait you mentioned?" I asked as we approached a giant portrait of fruit. And there were lots of different fruits there. Tons. Apples, oranges, grapes, bananas, kumquats, lemons, tomatoes, and all that jazz. But there was only _one _pear. Potter wasn't exaggerating.  
"This is it."

I pointed to the lonesome pear near the bottom. Sure, it was surrounded by some grapes and stuff, but it was the only one of its kind. "I take it that's the ticklish one?"

"Yup," James said happily. He extended his arm, fingers pointing towards the pear. "Would you like to do the honors?"

I looked at him like he was mad. He had just asked me to tickle a pear, after all. I mean, sure, it _sounded _like fun at the time, but really. Tickle a pear? A pear that's not even a real pear? A portrait of a pear? Tickle a portrait of a pear?

Maybe it's quidditch that turns them all mad. I mean, Marlene isn't the sanest person in the world. And Sam... well, with or without quidditch Sam would still be mad. But think about it, Sirius Black? Totally mad. Little Ronnie Kadge, the hyper-active second year? Absolutely unhinged. Ellen? Okay, well, Ellen is relatively normal, but I think she's resisting.  
But I think dropping Ravenclaws out of the window might have been a bit more... sane. Not to mention this didn't seem very rebellious at the time.

Childish, yes, but rebellious? No. Mellow? Maybe... I couldn't decide.

"The honors?" I couldn't help but ask as I silently debated on whether or not this would fulfill my "mellow" quota of the day. And I certainly needed something to cancel out the whole endangering Ravenclaws episode.

"Well, you've never done it before, so I thought you'd fancy a try," he explained, hand still extended.

I raised an eyebrow in his direction, not paying the least bit of attention to my left hand, which was slowly inching towards the portrait. I caught myself when I was about an inch or so away and pulled my hand back. Potter grinned and nodded his head in the direction of the pear. I extended my now shaking- why? I have absolutely no idea. Only _my _hand would be nervous about tickling a bloody pear- hand back towards the portrait and touched the pear with wiggling fingers.

Nothing happened.

"It works particularly well near the stem," Potter said seriously, no hint of a smirk on his face.

Yet I followed his directions and tickled the pear near the stem, jumping when a green doorknob appeared after a very faint giggle.

Giggling pears. I've seen ghosts, poltergeists, unicorns, hippogriffs, and dragons, but when a green pear-shaped doorknob appears out of no where, I jump. Go figure.

Chuckling, Potter said, "I'll take it from here." He opened the door and motioned for me to go through, so I did. Now, lets think about this. This whole rebel thing and mellow phase must _really _be getting to my head because _I listened to James Potter_. Let's think back to about three years ago. Ah yes, fourth year. Good times. Had James Potter told me to go through a door before him, I wouldn't have listened. Actually, I wouldn't have followed him in the first place. I probably would have hexed him, or wanted to at least. Merlin, getting older is confusing.

I was immediately bombarded by about a hundred little things, more commonly known as house elves. Now, in all the years I've lived in Hogwarts, I've never ever seen a house elf. Read about them, yes. But seen one in person? No. And boy, do the descriptions in books not do them justice. I mean, sure, there were pictures, but the pictures didn't capture the... neediness to _serve _in their eyes.

So I gasped and jumped about a meter back, smacking into Potter and making his glasses fall off. Immediately, a house elf rushed over and picked the glasses up, offering them back to Potter. "Harry-" who names a house elf _Harry_?- "give glasses back to Misters Potter!" the little thing- really quite adorable, to be honest with you- squeaked.

Potter grinned and took the glasses back, placing them back on his face. "Thanks, Harry," James said, patting _Harry _on the head. Seriously though, Harry? I've read a lot of books on house elves and not one of them was _Harry_. There's been Kappy, Stinky, Malla, and Poppy, but nothing as, well, _normal_ as Harry.

"Of course, Mister Potter. Where be Misters Black and Lupin, Harry curious to know?" Harry asked happily. There was a huge smile on his face that reached the corners of his tomato sized eyes. The other house elves were still ushering around us. I stuck close to Potter, another strange thing, not wanting to get in their way, or step on them or something.

"They're up in the Common Room. This is my friend, Lily," Potter said, introducing me and extending a hand in my direction.

Harry's eyes went wide. "Oh, hello Miss Lily! What could Harry get you? Mister Potter always has Moppy's cookies. Moppy makes best cookies here, Miss. They be Mister Potter's favorite, Harry is sure of that."

"Oh... really?" I asked, completely unsure of what to say to that. Besides, I was slowly going into awkward mode, completely forgetting about being mellow. Mellow Lily should have stood there confidently (yet casually) and carried on a conversation with Harry. But forgetting-to-be-mellow Lily stood there, gaping at the huge kitchen and the little house elves all scurrying around, trying to get things done.

"Just bring some extra cookies for her. Thanks Harry," Potter said. The house elf beamed and wandered off to, I'm assuming, find Moppy. "Are you all right?" he asked once Harry was out of earshot.

"Er... just a bit _surprised_, I suppose," I said nervously, still letting my gaze wander throughout the kitchen and house elves. It was so chaotic and so organized at the same time.

"They're really great, yeah?" he asked as he started walking. I followed closely. "Much better than hanging Ravenclaws out of the window?"

I nodded, grinning. Which surprised me. Grinning? When my only company was James Potter? Maybe Marlene's madness rubbed off on me. "But only by a little."

"Come on," he said, ushering me to follow him again. This whole following James Potter thing really needed to stop. I'm not all sure where it came from, but it snuck up on me, and you know how I am with sneaky ideas! I listen to them because the faster the come the better they are? Right?

Something is seriously wrong with my mind.

I followed him and he led me to four long tables. Tables that suspiciously looked a heck of a lot like the ones we eat at every day. Except, you know, not as worn out from having people sitting at them all the time, for years and years. These looked kind of new, except not really. You could see the faded rings from bowls on the table. So obviously they weren't _new _but they weren't sat at often either.  
"Welcome," he said grandly, extending his arms out, "to the kitchens."

"I figured that much out, thanks," I said, sitting down at what I assumed was the Gryffindor table.

"Well, yeah, but everything needs a great introduction," Potter clarified, which still didn't make up for the so-called "great introduction."

"Is _that _why you had third years announce it every time you walked into the Common Room two years ago for three months?" I couldn't help but ask with a smirk.

"Like I said," he said, returning the smirk, "everything needs a great introduction."

I shook my head as Harry wandered back over to us, a _giant _plate of cookies balanced on his head. Well, not just balanced on his head, he was holding the sides of it, too. He slid the plate on the table and said, "Harry brought Moppy's cookies for Mister Potter and Miss Lily."

"Thanks, Harry," Potter said, immediately diving into the plate of cookies. "Have one, Lily. Seriously. They're great." Of course, he waited until he was done chewing the three he shoved into his mouth before talking. But _three cookies_? At _once_? Jaw line obviously explained.

And I'm not going to lie, James Potter does have a very nice jaw line. You know, for a prick and everything. All because of eating though? That makes it less impressive, but not by much.

I timidly picked up a cookie and nibbled the edge of it.

And you know what? It was the most fantastic cookie I've ever had in my entire life. They beat out Gran's by a landslide! And that was saying something! Gran won our town's cookie baking contest five years in a row. _Five years_!

"Oh my Merlin," I whispered, staring at the cookie like it should have been stared at. Like a God.

"Excellent, eh?" he asked. Potter picked up anothercookie and ate it, this time with much more human quality instead of attacking it like a monster.

I stayed quiet, staring at this bizarre thing.

"Lily?" he asked, cocking his head to the side to give me a peculiar look.

"Hm?" I said jumping once I realized that he was looking at me.

"Do you like it?" he asked.

"It's _amazing_," I gushed, holding the cookie at arms length before bringing it back to take another bite. "Who made these? Moppy? He's my new favorite house elf!"

I realized I must have sounded like quite a loon, but Potter only chuckled and said, "She."

"What?" I asked, distracted by the softness of the cookie and the melted chocolate chips, just as if they came right out of the oven. If I broke it in half, there was sure to be melted chocolate pulling from the sides, connected in the middle, increasing temptation. Not that my temptation needed to be increased. The _aroma _of these amazing things was enough to suck me in.

"Moppy. She's a she," Potter explained.

"Oh," I replied, grabbing another cookie, now fully aware of why Potter took three at a time. "How often do you come down here?" I asked curiously.

"Every once in a while," Potter explained, giving me a peculiar look. But that quickly faded and he grinned again.

It wasn't hard to figure out what the look was for though. I mean, honestly. Think about it. James Potter and Lily Evans both willingly in each others company eating _cookies_? That wasn't something you see every day. That wasn't even something you would see in an alternate universe.

And to think, nobody was around to witness this miracle. Except hundreds of house elves, but who were they going to tell?

"I bring the team down here to make sure they get proper nutrition," he continued, taking a sip of pumpkin juice that a house elf brought over minutes before.

"Pumpkin juice?" I asked curiously, tipping my own glass of milk back and forth. Cookies and milk, the best combination there could possibly be. Ever. Way ahead of peanut butter and jam, and bread and butter.

He crinkled his nose. "I hate milk."

Now it was my turn to give him a weird look. "How can you _hate _milk?" I asked.

He shuddered as if it were the most disgusting thing in the world. "It's just plain weird. Drinking something that comes from the underside of the cow?" He shuddered again.

"You do realize," I pointed out, "that half of the things you eat probably have milk in them."

"Well I can't see it at the time so I can't think about it." He shook his head. "Let's talk about something else. This whole milk thing is making me sick," he noted, staring at my glass with furrowed brows. "So, yeah, I bring the team down here every once in a while to make sure they're getting everything they need. Sam eats loads of Sugar Quills all the time so I have to get some proper fruits and stuff into him, or else he'd explode. And I know you girls tend to eat lots of chocolate, and that's not good when there's a game coming. It either sends you up the walls or makes you fly around lazily, much too mellow for quidditch."

I almost snorted milk out of my nose when he mentioned being mellow, reminding me that I certainly wasn't being mellow just then. Snorting milk out of my nose? Yes, I'm sure Alice and Marlene would be impressed with that.

Though I'm sure that wouldn't stop them from spreading the story.

"What?" he asked as I hurriedly grabbed a napkin and pressed it against my face, calming down so that I could swallow and not spout out my already swallowed milk.

"Nothing, nothing," I said after breathing in and out a couple of times. "So. You bring the team down here? So they know about it? It's not some big secret?"

"Not really," Potter casually said with a shrug. "I would have thought Marlene had told you and Alice by now. You seemed so surprised by tickling a pear. I thought you would have understood my reference right away."

"That _rat_," I said, talking about Marlene. "She _didn't _tell us!"

"Oh…" Potter turned a guilty shade of red, probably for mentioning the Marlene thing. "Well, it's no big deal."

"Well, yeah. I guess it explains how she would always bring me chocolate chip muffins in the middle of the afternoon when I was sick or something…" I thought aloud, reminiscing on various times when I had been sick and Marlene would appear in the dorm (while she should have been in class, mind you) with a plate full of my favorites.

"She came down here for muffins?" Potter asked with an eye roll.

"Er… yes?"

He shook his head. "Why not fruit? Or something good for you? Even blueberry muffins are better than _that_. Especially when you're sick."

I stayed quiet for a second, not quite sure how to respond. This was strange enough as it was. Being mellow was making my life rather bizarre. "You know," I finally said. "I never would have thought of you has a health nut."

"I'm not a health nut," he grumbled, but even he had an accusing tone in his voice proving that he knew I was right. "Well you can't have a quidditch team that's filled with sleep inducing sugar."

"I guess," I answered, trying not to show my lack of knowledge of quidditch. Who cares if they were filled with sugar? They're not the ones flying. The brooms are.

Potter, clearly not noticing how uncomfortable I was on the topic of quidditch, continued to prattle on about how during one practice Sam had eaten so many sugar quills beforehand that he decided to stand atop the Keeper hoops and hold his broom over his head. It took Sirius, Marlene, Ellen, and himself to coax Sam to come down, and when he finally did, he first took a mock jump, laughing at the scared expression on their faces.

Have I mentioned how much Sam amuses me? The distress he causes the quidditch team is fantastic!

I threw in random comments when I could. That is, when I knew what he was talking about. Occasionally he would say something about a previous match I'd seen and a particularly nice move that I could comment on. I did, however, pay attention. And it's the attempt that counts, right?

Mainly I thought about how this was a good step. How James Potter and I could sit at a table and eat cookies while being decent human beings together, I mean. Even if it was _extremely _strange. But the Head Boy and Girl should be able to stay in one room, or in this case at one table, for chunks of time without threatening to hex each other.

The fact that Potter and I were doing this was quite surprising.

I reached over for one last cookie, or at least that's what I told myself. I'd told myself that at least four times before, but Moppy makes the _best _cookies, and they're addicting.

A bowl appeared in front of me. Seriously, it just randomly appeared right next to the plate of cookies. I jumped in surprise and looked at it curiously. It was empty and obviously dirty. A potato bowl.

"What in the name of Merlin…?" I wondered aloud as a pie tin appeared an arms length away, and a butter dish next to that.

"Dinner's done," Potter said happily, draining his glass of pumpkin juice and nicking another cookie before standing up.

"What?" I asked, following his lead and draining my own glass as well as stealing another cookie. Hey, don't judge. They were _that _good.

"Dinner. All the dishes are coming back," Potter explained, walking over to me, avoiding the house elves that were rushing to clear the table as fast as possible, but with every dish that was taken away, another one was added.

I nodded, pretending that this whole thing made completely sense, racking my brains to find something about this, maybe reading something about it in _Hogwarts, A History_, which, yes, I have read and enjoyed. Alice constantly makes fun of me for it, especially when I talk about her books. At least mine were _educational_.

"Let's go," he said, pointing to the exit. "These guys get crazy after dinner."

"Right."

"Bye Harry! Tell Moppy thanks!" Potter called.

"Of course, Mister Potter, of course! Harry will! Good-bye, Mister Potter and Miss Lily. Harry hopes to see you again soon!" the house elf squeaked before running to one of the tables and balancing dishes to carry out.

I waved awkwardly at the rushing house elves, but stuck close to Potter who led me out the door.

"That was… interesting," I finally said, watching the portrait of fruit swing shut, muffling the noise. "And all because you made me tickle a bleeding pear instead of hexing Ravenclaws." I shook my head.

"You're still going on about that?" Potter asked. "This was supposed to be a _distraction_. I didn't think you would have wanted to be stripped of your Head Girl duties because four Ravenclaws were found tied to the giant squid."

"Good point," I said, turning to go back to the Common Room where Marlene and Alice would no doubt question me. Potter, however, turned in the opposite direction. "Where are you going?" I asked before I could stop myself.

"The Pitch," Potter clarified. He smirked at me like it was the most obvious thing the world. Yes, Potter, I know your schedule. I know you spend ungodly amounts of times on the quidditch pitch.

Actually, I did know that he spent most of his time out there. But everyone did, know that I mean. Quidditch captains just wouldn't be the same if half of their life wasn't dedicated to the space of grass with hoops sticking out of both ends.

I rolled my eyes.

"See you, Evans," he said, walking away.

"Er… bye," I called to his back. I could see his shoulders shake as he chuckled.

"Where have you _been_?" Alice cried once I walked into the Common Room. She jumped up immediately and descended upon me like a worried mother. Except she wasn't worried; she was _mad_.

Marlene was next to her, hands on her hips, but a smirk on her lips. She obviously found the situation amusing.

"We tell you to be mellow and in one day you're off running about, Merlin knows where doing Merlin knows what!" Alice exclaimed. Now, though, she was smirking. Obviously she wasn't mad. And if she was, I'd knock some sense into her. Honestly, where would I go? "You could have robbed Gringotts for all I know!"

Marlene laughed and said in a lower voice, "We both know you're not ready for that. Yet."

I rolled my eyes and led them to the couch that they jumped off of. "Sorry," I said sheepishly. "I was in the kitchens."

The pair exchanged a look. "The kitchens?" Marlene finally asked with a smile.

"Kitchens?" Alice asked, obviously confused.

"Who took you to the kitchens, Lily?" Marlene continued, a smirk on her face.

"You know where the kitchens are?" Alice asked, bouncing behind Marlene.

"Er…" I answered, uncertain. If I told them it was Potter who took me to the kitchens, they'd take the mickey out of me. If I didn't tell them, they'd know I was lying. Stupid friends.

"Lily?"

"What kitchens? Where are they?" Alice continued to ask, getting annoyed that nobody was responding to her.

I decided to explain. "Well, you see, I was going to kill the Ravenclaws because I _offended _them and that was obviously the only way to deal with the situation-" great, I was babbling. That was going to be believable- "but Potter sidetracked me when he found out what I was doing because he didn't want me to, you know, get arrested or something for murder. So he took me to the kitchen to eat cookies so that I would calm down."

"_Potter_ brought you to the kitchens?" Marlene asked in disbelief.

"Erm… yes?"

"Where are they?" Alice asked, looking back and forth between Marlene and I.

She laughed. _Laughed_! As if my story weren't believable.

"Good one, Lily. I guess we won't have to spend too much time on the 'lying' phase."

"I was telling the truth! I really did go t-"

"Speaking of phases-"

"WHAT KITCHENS?" Alice exploded.

"We'll take you down there one day," Marlene promised, patting the now red Alice on the head. Alice grumbled and sat down on the couch. "Stand up. We've got to move onto Phase Two."

Alice's expression immediately changed as she hopped up to stand with Marlene. The two of them pushed me down onto the couch before starting.

I groaned. Phase Two? I was just getting used to Phase One. And I wasn't even a mellow expert, yet. How did they expect me to master Phase Two if I can barely prevent milk from coming out of my nose?

"Now," Marlene started. "We realize that you aren't exactly the queen of mellow-" I snorted at this, proving their point- "but we feel that you are ready to move onto Phase Two with ease."

"Phase Two," Alice said excitedly, "is to be _suave_."

"Suave?" I asked.

"You know. Sneaky."

"Being suave doesn't mean bein-"

"Sophisticated," Marlene continued, completely cutting me off. "You know how all of those fancy rich people are. They're sophisticated. But they're _sneaky_. They could rob a bank and no one would suspect it was them."

"Suave," Alice added, nodding.

"So you really want me to rob Gringotts?" I asked, outraged.

Alice smacked her forehead. "No you dolt."

"We just want you to be suave," Marlene continued with a toothy grin.

Suave. Great.

_A/n: Whoops. It's been about a week, hasn't it? Something like that. Sorry for the delay! I got a really good idea a couple days ago but my computer hates me and broke so I had to use the family one and this one is just so _slow_. It's driving me bananas. Not to mention it seriously wouldn't let me open this up._

_I'll do my best to update again soon! I've got a few ideas that should make the chapters easy, but I've got a ton of stuff I should be studying for… particularly AP (almost typed HP, that would be so cool!) exams._

_That's about it. Oh, for those of you who were wondering! I ended up getting a purple dress!! Light purple, actually. Not quite what I was going for, but it's really pretty!_

_Thanks so much for reading!!_

_Much love and some really awesome cookies,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	8. Chapter 8

"I have to balance books on my head in order to be suave

**The Suave Life of a Suit of Armor**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

"I have to balance books on my head in order to be suave?" I asked astounded when Alice and Marlene brought me down to the Common Room to explain my task. Mellow to suave? I really didn't think they knew what they were doing.

"Yes," Marlene answered in an authoritative voice. I raised my eyebrows at her questioningly.

"Starting with _Hogwarts, A History_," Alice continued with a small smile. I gaped at her. Have they seen _Hogwarts, A History_? Do they know how big it is? That thing is close to the size of James Potter's head after a particularly good quidditch match!

"I have to balance _Hogwarts, A History_ on my head?"

"Poise."

"No way, not going to happen. That thing'll snap my neck!" I protested, putting my hands out, palms facing them, and backing away as Marlene was saying, "Give her the book."

"Ah, no it won't. You've carried this thing around for years," Alice said, tossing me the book which, thankfully, I dodged. If I hadn't, I think I would have lost all feeling my right foot.

"I'm not taking the bloody book," I said stubbornly, crossing my arms and firmly planting my foot, a pose I commonly refer to as the James Potter Pose as he's the one I use it on the most. Of course, when I used it with him, I was never actually having a civil conversation. It's always more like yelling, so this was new. I'm going to have to call the arms-crossed-and-foot-planted-without-having-to-yell pose the Alice and Marlene Pose.

"Charm it to her head," Marlene said with a smirk, determined to get this book on my head one way or another. I raised my eyebrows at her. Wouldn't that defeat the purpose of me practicing balance? She just grinned wider. They're taking this rebel thing much too far!

"Alice, if you come near me with that book I'm going to jab you in the eye with my wand," I threatened, glaring at my so-called best mate and shoving my hand into my robes in search for my wand.

So much for threats being threatening. She walked over and put the book on my head, doing her best to balance it. Once she had it so that it wouldn't topple off one way or the other, she backed away.

"Now was that so hard?" she asked like a mother trying to get her child to eat vegetables. Except, unlike said mother, Alice had a remarkably impish grin on her face. "Now walk."

It only took three steps before the book fell off my head and landed on the carpet with a dull thud.

"Think poise," Marlene added as I bent to pick up the book. The stupid, ridiculous, heavy book. Don't they know that books are meant to be read and not balanced? I really didn't think that they did. Obviously I should have offered them training on the usage of books.

After multiple tries, I realized that I couldn't even get the book to balance on my head. Marlene had to come over and get it to stay, which took longer than Alice because I was getting more and more impatient by the minute and I couldn't keep myself from tapping my foot.

"You're slouching," she commented, not bothering to hide her grin.

No duh. "Sorry." I stopped jittering my foot.

"Merlin, Lily. Try and smile, will you?" Alice said happily a couple feet away. She was smiling at me, that never-upset personality practically glowing off of her. Alice was always much too optimistic.

I glared at her. "You two are dictators."

"Yup," Marlene said, finally getting the book balanced. "Okay. Walk."

This time I managed five steps before the book slid off. However, I did manage to catch it, albeit there was nothing graceful in that floppy snatch.

"You're really horrible at being suave, you know."

"Thanks, Alice." Because, you know, being suave always entails having to balance huge books like _Hogwarts, A History_ on your head. "I'd like to see you do better." That'll show her. She has no more grace than I do, if that.

I expected her to deny my challenge and back away, embarrassed because she couldn't do it. That would show them. I expected them to get down on their knees and beg me for forgiveness for making me do such stupid and difficult tasks such as balancing _Hogwarts, A History_ on my head.

What I wasn't expecting was her to grin. She walked over to me, and snatched the book out of my arms. Carefully, she put the battered copy on her head and, with more elegance than I've ever seen Alice have, she took a lap around the Common Room. Marlene and I stared at her in shock when she finally returned to us again with a huge grin on her face.

"Alice," Marlene finally sputtered. "What the hell?"

Really though? Alice having the ability to be suave? She's constantly tripping over her own feet, not to mention everyone else's. She just stared at us and kept on smiling. With a tip of her head, the book slid off of her head and landed- dare I say suavely?- in her hands.

"Okay, how come she can do that and I can't?" I asked Marlene, amazed by the ridiculousness of this crazy situation. It's Alice, for Merlin's sake. Accident prone, can't-trust-her-near-breakables, Alice!

"Wow, Lily... Even Alice has more poise than you do."

It was really quite tempting to go bash my head against the nice- yet hard- stone wall to relieve some of this insanity. I debated it for a second before deciding that a concussion most likely wouldn't help the situation at all, and then asked the obvious question. "Alice... what the hell?"

"You try having an older sister." I gave her a skeptical look. I _do _have an older sister. "She wouldn't let me to her tea party without being able to balance a book on my head," she stated simply, still smiling as she handed me the book. She put on a nasally voice, mocking her sister. "'Alice, you can't come to my tea parties unless you can walk around the house with this book on your head!' And then she'd hand me Mum's huge cookbook and I'd have to do it."

"I do have an older sister," I groaned, trying to balance the book again.

"Then why can't you do this?" Marlene asked, probably praising the fact that she was an only child.

"Because I only had to bring her biscuits," I said, biting my lip as the book stayed on my head for, oh, about three seconds before falling off.

"Nothing's going to happen if you keep slouching," Alice commented. She jabbed my lower back, making me stand up straight. I made sure I was looking straight ahead before balancing the book once more.

And it fell.

"Ugh!" I groaned, flopping on the nearest couch and startling the third year that was on the other end. "This is too hard. I don't want to be suave. It's not important, and who needs it anyway? Can't we skip to Phase Three?"

"You can't go onto Phase Three without completely Phase Two. So, be suave."

"I don't see how being suave is going to make me more rebellious," I began. "Or mellow, either. Both of these things are absolutely unnecessary. I think you both are off your rockers. I should have just kept my big mo-"

Alice cut me off from my rant. "Lily, think about it. Do me a favor for just one second, and think about the Marauders."

"Wha-?"

"Don't ask questions," she said, interrupting me again. "Just do it."

"Okay. Fine."

"Now. Answer me this. Are they mellow?"

"No!" I answered in shock. "They're the un-mellowest people I've ever met! Those boys can't sit still for more than two seconds without causing mischief! Honestly, Alice, where are you go-"

It was Marlene who cut me off this time. "That's not true." I gawked at her, about ready to ask what in the name of Merlin she meant, but she answered before I could even open my mouth. "Really, Lily. They lounge around the Common Room all the time. They practically ooze mellow."

The majority of my brain was telling me that Marlene was, indeed, right, but a very, very acutely small portion was wondering if the mellow being oozed was yellow. I stomped over that theory quickly, trying to get back to the task at hand, which was convincing those two that they were absolutely insane.

"What's your point?" I asked, disgruntled that they were right.

"Now, think again," Alice said, ignoring my question. "How many times have you walked down the corridors and heard someone or another talking about how suave they were? How secretive? How conniving?"

_Every single day of my life._ But I didn't say that to Alice. I just grumbled and looked to the ground. There was no need to look at their smug faces and knowing smiles.

"And tell me one thing," Marlene began. "Out of everything else, would you say that the Marauders are mostly rebellious?"

I sat there, gaping at Marlene like a fish that just saw his best mate jump out of the water and fly away.

"Do you still think we're absolutely mad, Lily?" Alice asked in a would-be serious tone if she hadn't laugh afterwards.

"Yes." Both of them looked at me in shock. "But I see where you're getting your ideas from." Thankfully, they both grinned and sighed with relief. "Give me the damn book."

After waltzing around the Common Room and looking like a complete idiot for forty five minutes, I managed to make it around twice without dropping _Hogwarts, A History_. Relieved that this was finally done, I sat down gratefully on the couch.

"Uh, uh," Alice said, grabbing one of my arms and dragging me up. "You made it around with _Hogwarts, A History_, but can you do that with the charms book as well?"

I just stared at Marlene, willing her to smack Alice upside the head so that I could be done for the night. Marlene, obviously misinterpreting the message, ignored me and nodded towards the book in Alice's hands.

Alice started making her way towards me, holding the book out in a very threatening manner. There had to be some escape, right? Something that could get me out of walking around with _Hogwarts, A History _and the charms book on my head. Most of the Common Room thought I was insane already. There was no need to add more to it.

"I've… er… really got to finish this essay for Flitwick," I said, snatching the book away from Alice and tucking it safely under my arm. It was a book, damnit, and it was going to be properly used like a book!

Of course, my rebellion lessons weren't nearly complete which meant that instead of storming off up to the dorm to work on this made-up paper like I intended to do, I hugged the book tightly to my chest and glared at my best mates until they got the point. Then, I put the book safely in my bag and sat there.

They raised their eyebrows at me but didn't pursue the book balancing. Thank Merlin. Instead, they went to sit at a table, plotting more ways to make my life a living hell until I became more rebellious.

Suave? What were they getting at, trying to be suave? It's not something you can learn, or at least I don't think it is. Though those two prats did have a good point. The Marauders were pretty suave. Well, Peter isn't quite so great at it, but the other three are. It seems kind of natural; just a natural talent that they were born with.

Just imagine that. "Yes, Mrs. Potter. Your boy was born with black hair, brown eyes, and a natural ability to be _suave_."

Suave, suave. What could I possibly do to be suave? Is there a suave potion? Would it even _taste _good?

How am I supposed to remember to be suave anyway? Shouldn't I be more concerned with, oh I don't know, school work or something? Possibly head duties?

Oh. I've got it. I could write it down on my hand.

I reached down into my bag and pulled out a quill and some ink, and quickly scribbled _Suave_ on my palm so that I would remember.

Alice and Marlene were still plotting. Before they decided to make me walk around the room with a first year on my head, I decided to head up to the dorm. Balancing books really had taken a lot out of me.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was morning. The sun was shining, the bleeding birds were chirping (which were what had woken me up to begin with), and Alice was standing over me with a frantic look on her face.

_"What?" _I groaned, rolling over.

"Lily!" she shrieked. "How do you expect to manage to be suave when you've only got ten minutes until breakfast is over?"

Well, _that _woke me up. I untangled myself from the massive array of blankets on my bed and jumped up.

"Ten minutes?" I asked. I rummaged through my trunk, trying to find a wrinkle-free skirt that I could wear. "_Ten minutes? _I've only got ten minutes to get to class! Oh, sweet Merlin!" After finally finding a skirt, I _accio-_ed my shoes so that I wouldn't have to find them later. "How did I oversleep?" I wondered allowed, searching for a pair of matching socks. "I don't even remember going to… I just came up here to… and then I must have… what about my…?" I looked down at my hand and saw that smudged in black in was _Suave_.

Certainly my actions just then weren't suave. And if I wanted this whole mad plan to work, I'd have to start early in the morning, right? At least, that was my logic. It was actually quite good logic for someone being awaken by loud chirping feather balls and a frantic friend.

I cleared my throat and stopped running around like a hippogriff with its head chopped off. Slowly, but hopefully suavely, I sat down on my bed and pulled on a pair of matching socks. The fact that I found them _under _my bed from Merlin only knows how long ago needn't matter.

"Lily? Are you okay?" Alice asked, standing by the door but bouncing up and down, anxious.

"Fine, fine," I said nonchalantly. Of course, I could _say _it nonchalantly but, as the saying goes, it's easier said than done. My heart was racing uncontrollably. No breakfast _and _late to class? That would be a first. Sure, I've missed breakfast, but that was just so I would be on time to class.

Of course the first time I did both would be in the first month of my Head Girl duties. Of course. I swear, Merlin, and the founders of Hogwarts, and all other wizards of the sort have got it out for me. They're sitting where ever they hang out and chuckling to themselves. "Oh, that Lily Evans, what could we possibly do to her today?"

"I don't know, let's have her oversleep."

"Brilliant! And why not make her miss breakfast as well?"

"Well thought of! Let's not stop there! We can give her a day from hell. How about late to class?"

"I love it! And to top it all off, how about no time to calm down and remember that she is, indeed, Head Girl and could just make up a liable excuse as to why she's late?"

And they're all up there, wherever they are, sitting and chuckling and making my life hell. I'm telling you, once I die, I'm going to go up there and give them a piece of my mad mind, seeing as Alice and Marlene are going to drive me to an early grave.

"Well let's _go_! Slughorn is going to have a right fit if you're late!" Alice was motioning towards the door with both arms and wide eyes. She was still bouncing on the spot.

I found a headband and shoved it on my head, not having time to actually do something about it. After taking one look in the mirror to make sure I didn't have a great big stain on my shirt, I looked at Alice and said, "Well, are you ready to go or not?"

She looked at me, still wide-eyed and now her jaw was dropped. I ushered her out the door, trying to ignore the fact that if I didn't start running in three seconds I was going to combust.

As we walked (quickly though, I wasn't _that _suave and that up in my dorm? Just practice…) I realized that my neck had a sharp pain going through the side of it. I rubbed it as we continued moving at a fast pace down to the dungeons (three minutes and counting) and realized that I had a stiff neck. Memories from last night came rushing back and I realized it was because I was balancing _Hogwarts, A History _on my head for long periods of time!

"Lily, _please_ walk faster!" Alice begged, walking backwards a good distance ahead of me. "Slughorn said if I'm late again-" she was late a lot, actually…- "then I'll have detention with him for the next Hogsmade weekend! Then you won't have a shopping partner because Marlene is going with Theodore Reynolds!"

I sped up, not wanting to lose my shopping pal. Who else would I look at shoes that I could never wear in Hogwarts with? Or laugh at the funnily dressed witches?

By some miracle (Maybe Merlin and the founders weren't so bad after all…) we made it to class on time, with seconds to spare, even! Marlene was giving us weird looks but Alice just shook her head, trying to catch her breath. Because when she said "walk faster" she meant _run_.

"That doesn't seem very suave to me," Marlene mouthed to me once I sat down at our table. I just shrugged and tried to look mellow, something that's nearly almost sort of perfect.

Mellow. Okay. I concentrated on breathing and looking relaxed. Once again: easier said than done. Once I mastered that, I sat up straighter (do you sit straight to try and look suave?), crossed my legs, and started taking notes.

I couldn't concentrate during class, though. My neck hurt too much. I kept shooting daggers at Marlene and Alice, who were determinedly and successfully dodging them. After a while, my back hurt from trying to sit up straight and look suave. When I went to slouch, Alice kicked me under the table.

Some friend.

By the end of Potions, I was one big skin bag of sore, and all that I wanted to do was go back up to the dorm to sleep. But I couldn't, because that was only one class and I still had a full day to go.

I take back what I said about the founders and Merlin. They are as bad as I said before. Three seconds out of the dungeons door, Sirius came over to me and slung an arm around my shoulder in that annoying way that he does. To everybody. Male or female, he'll do it to them. Sometimes, no one cares. Sometimes, he gets elbowed in the stomach. Mainly by James and the male population (which is when Sirius is being annoying) or by Alice, Marlene, and I (which is when Sirius thinks he's being _cool_).

"Evans," he said in a slow low drawl. Yup, he was definitely trying to be Cool Sirius. Alice and Marlene both rolled their eyes and we all went to injure him in some way. He pulled back, but I'm not sure that it was by choice.

"Stop being a prat," Potter said. He had Sirius by the collar and was dragging him away.

"I was just saying hi!" Sirius complained. Remus waved a sorry hand at me before bringing up the rear of a complaining Sirius.

Marlene muttered something under her breath.

"What?" I asked, looking at her with a raised eyebrow.

She grinned. "Nothing, nothing." Alice and her exchanged a _look_.

Trying to be suave, I started to walk away from them in a dignified manner. I thought I was doing a good job, as well. My head was high, my (achy) back was straight, and I could hardly feel the stiffness in my neck. I nodded to people, acknowledging them in a suave manner, waving hello.

And that's when I tripped over the bloody suit of armor.

_A/n: So, I finally updated. This is the point where I hide in case you're mad about the wait. I really am sorry about that! And I said I'd have it posted so many times! But when you're in class and the teacher's talking and you get random one shot ideas… well, you know! Not to mention that I'm a huge procrastinator! Holy. Cow. So many exclamation points!_

_Actually, you can thank my History and English teachers (the two of which are very annoying, go figure) because I had a TON of stuff due for both of them for Friday but they put it off to next week, so I didn't have to do any of it tonight. See what I mean by procrastination??_

_Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it!_

_Much love and a bubble to protect you from evil, tree eating, and Siriusly Klutzy attacking caterpillars!_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	9. Love is Blind

**Love is Blind**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

"Bleeding Merlin," I grumbled.

There was a small gathering of people, staring at, pointing to, and muttering about the Head Girl who was now lying on the ground after successfully tripping over a misplaced suit of armor.

"Is that the Head Girl?" someone asked. I wasn't sure who it was, and getting up to see didn't really seem like an option.

"I think so. She has red hair. Doesn't the Head Girl have red hair?"

"I'm not sure. I thought it was darker than that."

Bloody first years.

I heard laughter down the hall.

"So much for being suave, eh Lily?" Alice called. I almost mad an inappropriate gesture in her direction but remembered that I was in the middle of a wall of students younger than me and it wouldn't have been a good idea as I am Head Girl, and that I was currently on top of both of my hands, not quite willing to move.

"You all right?" Marlene asked, offering me a hand. She was hiding her laughter until I stood up. Once I was up and they both realized that there weren't any broken bones, the two continued on with their laughter.

"Move along, move along," Alice said, waving her hands to usher away the first years. "Go on, move, or I'll give you all detentions."

Only a few caught on to the fact that Alice held no power over them, besides being older and more advanced jinx-wise. But those few just raised their eyebrows and followed the younger crowd away from the scene.

"I think we still need to work on being suave. What do you think, Marlene?" Alice asked.

Marlene coughed to stop laughing and looked me up and down. There was a small scratch on my knees, and my palms were scraped up. Lovely.

"Definitely. That was _not _suave at _all_," Marlene said. "Were you paying attention at all yesterday?"

I grumbled. "Well yesterday there weren't suits of armor jumping out at me while I was trying to walk…"

So after classes, and hunting for bandages to clean up my knee, we made our way back to the Common Room for more lessons on how to be _suave_. I think that if they couldn't teach me something the first time, they should just give up. Normally I pick stuff up right away, but obviously being suave was not something I can do. So why not just give up? My mates are much too persistent.

"Okay, Lily," Marlene said. "Alice and I have been talking, and we've realized that you're bloody horrible at being suave." Alice nodded in agreement. "So we've decided to do some more extensive practice. And you've got to trust us, alright?"

Though my brain was screaming, "Lily Ophelia Evans, don't you _dare _listen to them! Do you not remember the peach incident?" I ended up nodding.

"You've got to use your senses," Alice explained. "Whenever you see someone suave, do they look like they've got a care in the world?" She waited for me to answer. I just gave her an annoyed 'Can we please stop this nonsense?' look. She continued. "The correct answer is no." Marlene snorted. "They're using their senses to look cool. They don't have to be actually looking at something to know what's going on. They listen to what's going on around then and in a _mellow _manner, glide through the crowd. Or vice versa. They could be zoning everyone out at once and just pay attention to where they're going."

"Of course," Marlene added. "They can't do both at once, because that would just be stupid and instead of being suave, the prats would be walking into walls and everything."

"Or suits of armor," Alice added causing Marlene to laugh.

I cringed. "And this is all leading to…?" I asked, positively dreading the answer. They're _testing my senses_. I didn't like that at all. Around Alice and Marlene, I need to be as observant as possible, thus needing all of my senses.

The evil pair smiled mischievous smiles. Alice held up a long but thick black piece of fabric and Marlene showed me a pair of pink earmuffs that oddly resembled the ones we had to wear while learning about mandrakes in Herbology.

"Come on," Alice said. She and Marlene herded me out of the door.

I know that fearing your friends is irrational, but knowing that Alice and Marlene were going to blind me was up there on my list of fears, right under hungry dragons, but above rampaging pixies. They always put me in situations like this. I always trust them, of course. I don't think they'd actually intentionally put me in a life threatening situation.

Needless to say, by the time we got to down to the Entrance Hall, where people were filing in from all direction for dinner, I was ready to turn around on my heel and go back to the Common Room, with or without their approval.

Actually, I did turn around, planning on just sprinting back upstairs, but Alice and Marlene were the human wall that stopped me. I ran smack into their shoulders. They each braced an arm and held me still.

Alice laughed. "We're not that stupid, Lily."

"Unfortunately."

"Would you like to be blind or deaf first?" Marlene asked. She waved down the hall to a group of boys who were coming closer. I recognized one of them as Carl Ferguson who, as far as I knew, was Marlene's next date to Hogsmade. He winked at her before she went back to looking at me.

I weighed my options. Being blind first? Not that smart of a choice. I might as well just ease into it and chose to lose my hearing for five minutes and then my sight. At least I could get used to being without the use one of my senses. Or at least, that made sense at the time.

"Deaf," I finally answered with a sigh. If they were going to do this, I wasn't going to make it easy for them.

Marlene grinned and put the earmuffs on. The chatter that was spreading through the hall immediately disappeared. I'd forgotten how strong those things were! I wasn't used to not hearing what was going on around that when it finally disappeared, I immediately got jumpy- suave? Definitely not.

Alice started mouthing words and obviously I couldn't hear her. I rolled my eyes. She kept talking until Marlene noticed and nudged her in the side. She plucked the earmuffs off and the chatter came back, seeming oddly loud now.

"Sorry," Alice apologized with a grin. "Anyway, now I just need you to _see _where you're going, but not actually pay attention to it. Alright?"

"I guess," I answered, trying to sound uncooperative, except then the weirdest thing happened. I actually _wanted _to try to make it through the groups of people, looking suave and as if it didn't matter that I was walking around with big pink earmuffs on. I was still suave.

Alice gave me a shove and I maneuvered my way through groups of crowds excitedly, but I tried not to show it on my face. Of course, I received many strange looks because there were fluffy pink things sticking out of my head, but that didn't discourage me- completely at least. I let my mind wander and allowed my sight to completely direct me down the hall and back.

They made me do it a couple times before they thought I had enough of being deaf, which was good. The silence was annoying. Alice grabbed my arm as I was about to spin back around and head into the crowd again. Marlene stole the ear muffs and a hundred students' conversations rushed into my ears.

"Sweet Merlin," I said with a jump. Who would have thought that five minutes of silence could make you forget what the real world sounded like?

"You actually did fairly well," Marlene said, obviously impressed.

I grinned. "It was… fun," I admitted.

Alice gave me an _I told you so_ look before pulling me closer to her so that she could tie on the blindfold.

She tied the blindfold on and held me still. "You ready?" Marlene asked. After not hearing for a good five minutes, the sound was about four times stronger. That would work in my advantage. I grinned.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I answered confidently, possibly somewhat arrogantly.

I started walking forward, not sure if I wasn't walking into anyone because I was avoiding them by being so extremely suave or because they realized that a blindfolded person was walking down the hall and they got out of my way. It was probably the latter, but it didn't matter because I hadn't walked into anyone yet.

I turned around early, I'm assuming because I didn't want to hit a wall. It seemed smarter to risk turning around than waiting until I smacked into a wall, completely defeating this suave exercise. The proof that I'd failed would be right there on my face. I would have been marked by a big bruise smack in the middle of my forehead.

But I didn't hit a wall and it was going great! I couldn't have possibly been more suave if I tried. It was strange that the answer to being suddenly suave was taking away my sight, but it had worked! I was walking gracefully (hopefully, at least… I couldn't see myself but I _felt _graceful) through a crowd and I hadn't hi-

"Oof!"

"Ouch! Whoa! Evans?"

I tilted my head back to "see" who I ran into, momentarily forgetting that I couldn't actually see anything. I did, however, recognize the voice immediately and instinctively took a step back.

"Potter?" I asked. I felt the blindfold life off of my face and then realized that I wasn't the one doing it. "Hey, give that back!" I snatched it out of his hand and he grinned.

"What are you _doing_, Evans?" he asked. He rubbed a spot on his chest. "By the way, you have a very pointy nose."

"Thank you?"

"What are you doing?" he repeated, looking around perhaps to find the source of my insanity. I wanted to point out that they were on the other side of the hall, but you couldn't quite see them from where I was, thus making me look even more insane.

"I… erm…" Suave, Lily! Be suave! "I'm being suave!"

Genius! Obviously I was going to get the subtlety of the year award.

He raised his eyebrow. "By running around the Entrance Hall with a blindfold on." It wasn't a question. It was a statement that _possibly _questioned my sanity.

"Well… Alice and Marlene-"

"Oh," he said knowingly, a smile on his face. "I see now."

"No, really-" I started to explain but he cut me off.

"I get it. Alice and Marlene are enough of an explanation for your madness."

Well, I couldn't argue against that.

"Weren't you paying attention?" I asked after we had started walking in step to the Great Hall together. Alice and Marlene should know enough to figure out that I didn't wander around aimlessly and blindfolded to random spots in the castle, and that instead I was going to get dinner. But then again, it _is _Alice and Marlene. A warning might have been necessary. But it was too late for that. I was already walking in, and with James Potter no less.

Obviously the world had turned upside down.

"What?" he questioned, giving me a peculiar look.

"Well, I only walked into you," I explained. "And I was doing a pretty good job at being suave otherwise."

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked with a chuckle.

"No?" I answered, feeling like an idiot.

"You're like a magnet, Evans," he explained. When I gave him a confused look, he continued. "You're attracted to good looking blokes, which is why you didn't run into anyone else. You were automatically sent to me."

I tried my best to be classy, but I couldn't help but let out a ridiculously loud snort.

"In your _dreams_, Potter," I answered, preparing to turn swiftly on my heel but he stopped me.

"Oh come on, Lily, I was only joking," he said, laughing at his own lousy- I don't even know what to call it! It certainly wasn't a pick up line, unless he was trying to pick up himself.

"That was the worst… the cheesiest… You're losing your touch, Potter."

He chuckled and directed me over to the Gryffindor table. Being suave must have given me patience; I wasn't sure why I was still following him. As we sat down, however, the question was answered. My stomach growled. I was starving, and James Potter was leading me towards food. My instincts were directing me.

"Hello, Sam," Potter said sitting down next to his fellow teammate. I got excited! Sam is one of my favorite quidditch players, not because he's good or anything. I mean, I'm sure he is! I don't pay that much attention. Oh, and he doesn't over rank Marlene, of course. But he's one of the only people I know who can also make James Potter turn red. Of course, Sam does it all in a joking manner, always light-hearted.

"Cap'n," Sam acknowledged with a nod.

"You ready for practice?" Potter asked; he was all business. Or, it would seem as if he was all business, but the smirk betrayed his seriousness.

"Am I ever not?" Sam grinned. "Oh, by the way… if you notice little… er… _marks _on Ellen's neck, it wasn't what you think." He winked at me.

"Sam, I really don't need to hear about this," James began wearily. His hands automatically went up to rub his temples. "Whatever you and Ellen do just shouldn't be reflected on the quidditch field. I don't care-"

"It's not as if we don't do that, Cap'n," Sam continued, completely disregarding Potter's pale, slightly off-colored face. "But this time it wasn't me. And Sirius always asks those questions, trying to fluster everyone, and I just wanted to make it clear th-"

"Sam! Really. I'll knock Sirius out if he mentions anything," James decided. He was shaking his head. I was shaking, too, but that was from trying to hold in my laughter. Should I get that much amusement out seeing James in an awkward situation? There really is no way that it could be healthy at all…

James continued to shake his head and Sam pointed to my wrist. "That's a wicked bracelet you've got," he commented, a wicked glint in his eye. I had to remind myself that he did have a girlfriend, and that he must have just thought the color was nice. "Yeah. You know, I never really appreciated the color orange until I saw my girlfriend's underwear…"

"Sam!" James groaned, visibly paling.

"You have _not _seen my knickers," a girl commented. She walked up behind Sam and swatted him in the back of the head a sly but loving smile on her face. "Stop trying to make yourself out to be manlier than you are."

I couldn't help it. A giggle escaped.

"Hullo, Ellen," Potter mumbled hoarsely, his face in his hands. Whether he was completely embarrassed by the situation, or just felt awkward because of the conversation, I wasn't sure. I never thought talking about some girl's knickers would make James turn that pale.

"I see you're wearing a scarf," Sam commented, flicking the fabric around her neck.

She rolled her eyes and swatted his hand away. "Because it's _cold out_ and I just had Care of Magical Creatures. Not because of your stupid Zonko's toys."

"They aren't stupid!"

"They left green blotches all over my neck. I have a reason to call them stupid," Ellen countered. She started loading her plate with bread and sides.

"That doesn't mean they're stupid! It just means that they're working!"

"Well, then their _job _is stupid!"

Their banter continued back and forth in between bites, Ellen taking the opportunity many times to bop Sam on the head, he retaliating with a playful shove of her shoulder. That is, until the playful shove caused hot soup to splash onto him. He stopped shoving then, but the banter continued nevertheless.

"Are they always like that?" I whispered to Potter. He rolled his eyes but grinned.

"Most days. They're never serious though. And they're both bloody brilliant quidditch players," he explained.

"Ellen's a little violent," I couldn't help but add with a giggle. "In a good way, but you'd think _Sam _would be the one complaining about bruises."

"She's a beater," James answered nonchalantly and with a shrug. "Besides, she never actually _hurts _him. At least, not off of the field."

I laughed.

We sat there eating, occasionally making comments about the fifth years little jests at each other. It took me about three bites into my chocolate pie to realize that something was seriously wrong here. I had one of those _Wait a minute_ moments, and I stopped, completely stopped. Literally, my fork with chocolately goodness was halfway up to my mouth. I _stopped while eating chocolate pie_. That was how sudden my realization was.

What was I _doing_? There was nothing in my task of rebellion that stated that I must eat dinner with James Potter. So why was I doing it? Willingly! I was eating dinner with James Potter _willingly_.

I had to think back to what lead to this. Okay. Earmuffs were a success. Blindfolded, however, had a collision. Okay, so we collided. Then what happened.

I _followed him to dinner!_ No! Not even that! I walked _with him _to dinner, completely abandoning Marlene and Alice! Why? Why? _Why?_

Had I completely lost my mind? I was sitting there with my… _enemy_ eating dinner! I was talking in a friendly manner with James Potter, fellow head, complete nuisance.

There must have been some logical explanation. It took me a few seconds- or minutes, I wasn't sure- but I figured it out. It was obvious.

_Obviously_ I was just showing that, even with differences, people can get along! I was doing my duty as a head by showing unity! It was a well known fact that Potter and I fought constantly! I was just proving that it is possible to make amends. Exactly. That was exactly my subconscious intention. I was just way ahead of myself!

But then how come when he offered me some more pumpkin juice, retrieving me from my little daze, my stomach fluttered a bit and a glop of chocolate cake landed on my skirt?

Oh sweet Merlin.

_A/n: Okay, once again, how many of you want to kill Siriusly Klutzy? Sorry about the wait. It was the end of school, exams (which I actually still have BLAH), projects, you know the drill. I've actually got to finish my final tonight and then do another one tomorrow. It's such a pain._

_But here's the long-awaited chapter! And you know what would be the best antidote to a long horrible US History exam tomorrow? Lots and lots of reviews. They'd make the pain of possibly failing ease quite a bit. :_

_Hope you liked it! Must cram a bit more! I'll update shortly. It's almost summer now, I have all the time in the world!_

_Much love and good grades for all of you (okay, okay, you can have a Marauder as well)!_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	10. Who's Training Me?

One more week of being suave and I had it

**Who's Training Me?**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

One more week of being suave and I had it. Well, kind of. I wasn't stumbling any more, and Alice commented on my walk being a bit more graceful, so I figured I had semi-mastered the art of being _suave_. I didn't quite feel any different, maybe a little less soar from the lack of bruises on my shins or elbows from tripping or falling, but there weren't many of those to begin with either.

Neither Marlene or Alice commented on my disappearance that day. They just assumed I'd torn the blindfold off and wandered upstairs to go do homework or sleep, so they went to dinner instead, coincidentally sitting as far away as possible from James and I. They didn't see us sitting together, so they didn't comment or make any _Lily and James, sitting in a tree_ remarks. Which they completely would have because my mates are just the best.

Also, sarcasm is a wonderful thing.

Without them initiating the whole Lily and James eating dinner together conversation, I didn't know how to bring up my stomach flop situation. They were my go-to people, the ones I went to with bloke problems. Or, I guess in this situation, problems where my stomach does weird back flips around the Head Boy for absolutely no reason.

While I was being suave this past week, I tried convincing myself that the pumpkin juice was extraordinary that night. That the delicious pumpkin juice was the reason my stomach spun and flipped. I believed myself for a while, that is until I saw him walking out of Arithmacy the next day and my stomach did it _again_. I went into severe panic mode, trying to figure out why in the world this was happening. It was _James Potter _for Merlin's sake. The bane of my existence. Stomachs should not do back flips for the banes of the stomach owner's existence. It just… it isn't right!

It was like the world suddenly flipped over, and everything turned opposite. Alice and Marlene thought I went up to bed- seriously, when do I skip a meal? I _ate dinner _with James Potter- I supposedly only speak to him when I absolutely have to. My stomach is freaking out on me whenever he appears- last I checked, that wasn't a flu symptom.

See? My world was upside down, so much that after that little incident, I almost cut classes for the rest of the day hoping that it was just the flu and not what I thought it was.

"Hey Lily!" I spun around, looking to see who called my name. I thought I was going to pass out when I saw James running towards me, the Arithmacy book and notes were slowly slipping out of his hand. "Hold up a second!"

I stood, automatically getting nervous. I thought the quill I was holding was going to slip out of my hand because my hand started sweating from nervousness. Oi.

"Hey," he said, once he caught up.

"H-" I cleared my throat that I didn't realize went dry. Sweaty hands and dry throat? Of course they wouldn't form an equilibrium. Of course. "Hello."

"Listen, we're off the hook for patrolling tonight," he said as he readjusted the book. "I had Aggley switch with me, and seeing as I didn't think you'd want to work with him again, I got another girl from Ravenclaw to do it for you, too."

"I…er… why?" I said, mentally kicking myself for not being able to form coherent sentences. It must have been the flu, screwing up all the English I ever knew.

He gave me a confused at look but quickly replaced it with a grin. "I have… last minute engagements I've got to attend to," he answered with a wink so quick I wasn't sure I hadn't imagined it.

"Oh… er, right. When are we going to make this up then?" I asked. I tried to surreptitiously wipe my hands on the end of my skirt, hoping my suave training actually helped. Who knew it would come in handy? I hoped he didn't see.

"Some time next week," he said, then crinkled his nose. "I hate being at the mercy of some mad Huffepuff."

"Right." Shifty eyes. "Bye!"

Okay, so maybe that wasn't suave at all, but it takes a while to get into it and live it, you know? I mean, just because that was the exact opposite of suave, does _not _mean that I'm not suave anymore. And, let's face it, I full out panicked. What was happening to me?

"Lily! Hey, where are you going? We have Potions next, and the last I knew, it wasn't upstairs." Marlene caught up to me, cornering me after I tried to sneak away from Ancient Runes. (It was the class I had while Potter had Arithmacy. Please don't question about why I knew that.)

"I…" Forgot something? Was skiving off Potions? What _was _I doing? "Sorry. I forgot where I was going." Maybe making better excuses will be one of my lessons.

"No problem," Marlene said, waiting faithfully at the bottom of the stairs for me so that we could walk down together. "Are you alright? You look kind of pale."

Pale? Maybe it _was _the flu. This thought cheered me up immensely and I was happy all the way down to Potions.

"So what's my next step in becoming a rebel?" I asked merrily, surprising myself at how one little possibility could cheer me up that much.

Marlene grinned and started digging through her bag.

"Oh for the love of Merlin, can't you just tell me?" I asked, waving and grinning to Sam and Ellen as they passed us in the hall.

"Found it!" she exclaimed, thrusting a sheet of parchment under my nose.

"'The Lily List'?" I asked, reading the underlined title on the sheet. Before I could read what was on the list, Marlene started explaining.

"Yeah, that night you went off to bed-" also known as the night I had dinner with James- "Alice and I sat down at dinner and came up with a bunch of stuff you need to do in order to achieve being a rebel." That mischievous glint was back in her eye. "The next one is working on your charisma!" She pointed to the paper and under a check-marked _suave_ was charisma in Alice's big, loopy hand writing.

"I think I'm very charismatic!" I complained, in a way disproving my point.

Marlene rolled her eyes. "You've got to learn to _smile _more, and say more to people in the hall. Boost up your recognition. You know?"

"I'm well-know," I protested. I proved my point by nodding at and waving to a fourth year that I gave a detention earlier this week. When he saw me he… well, he did something a bit inappropriate. I made a mental note to tell McGonagall to add an extra day to his sentence.

Marlene snorted. "You've got to learn to charm people, Lily." She waggled her fingers at a group of fifth year Ravenclaws who I thought would drop dead on the spot from recognition.

"That's not charming, that's teasing," I said, laughing as the boys excitedly started to chatter as they passed.

"Teasing in a charming matter," she corrected, giggling as one in the back gave her the bloke nod of acknowledgement.

"Did you even know them?" I questioned as we turned into the dungeons.

"Oh yeah," she replied earnestly, nodding like it was no big deal. "Marty, the one that looked like he was going to wet himself, asked me to Hogsmade last year." I gave her a pointed look. "And… I turned him down."

"Marlene! That's just _cruel_!"

"He was sweet and everything, but I was a foot taller than him, Lily, I swear! It would have just been _awkward_," Marlene defended as we turned into the room. Slughorn was setting up potions on the front table. It was going to be a Guess This Potion day, meaning I didn't have to concentrate all that much.

"But now you're just getting his hopes up," I said. We went over to sit at the table Alice had claimed.

"Who's hopes?" she asked, pushing her bag off to the side of the table to make room for our own.

"Marty Finnegan," Marlene answered.

Alice bust out laughing. "You mean that little Ravenclaw who asked you to Hogsmade last year?" Marlene nodded. "The one you turned down and who was crushed for two weeks?"

"Two _weeks_?" I sputtered as Marlene nodded again, this time with a grin. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Prefect meetings always got in the way," she answered, shrugging.

The bell rang, causing our conversation to end there.

"Oh, before I forget," Marlene said. She leaned in towards Alice and I and said in a rushed whisper, "I got the Marauders in on this. They're the most charismatic people I know!"

Just as I was about to scream, "WHAT?" Slughorn stood in front of the class. "If you couldn't already tell," he started with a chuckle, "today we're going to guess what these potions are, and what they do."

Marlene, determinedly ignoring the nudge I was giving her shin every few seconds, was much more alert, listening to him with such abruptness I would have thought possible, as if she did this all the time. Of course, today had to be the day Slughorn spent the entire period talking, so I couldn't question Marlene's insanity for another hour.

Once the final bell rang, however, I all but screamed, "You did _what?!_"

"Relax, Lily," Marlene said. She and Alice grinned at each other. Was Alice in on the plan? Were they secretly plotting against me, to make my life a living hell, and my stomach even crazier than it already was?

"That's brilliant. Really brilliant," Alice said, answering my question. So she wasn't in on the plan. But she thinks it's 'brilliant'.

"I can't believe you did that! How am I supposed to take lessons on being rebellious from James Potter-" here my stomach did a ridiculous flip and I decided I should get cold medicine from Madame Pomfrey- "- and Sirius Black?"

"Lily. Seriously, relax. It's fine. I didn't tell them you were doing this to be a rebel. We're still the only ones that know that. I only told Potter that we needed him to help you be charming."

"I'm sure that was a blow to his pig headedness," Alice commented sarcastically.

Marlene grinned. "We're meeting them in the library tonight at six."

"The library," I repeated as Alice said, "Do they even know _where _the library is?" She grinned as I tried not to panic.

"I gave them a map, just in case," Marlene joked.

Skiving off classes for the rest of the day was an even bigger temptation than it was two hours ago. All I had to do was go down to the hospital wing and plead insanity. Or at least that I was coming down with something that made my head go absolutely nuts.

I would have done so, too, if Alice hadn't grabbed my wrist and dragged me with her to all of our classes. "Grow up, Lily," she said on the way to Transfiguration. "It's _one _night. I think you can survive one night of time with a few Marauders. We've got this all under control."

"Under control how?" I asked grimly. I wished I still believed my stomach flopping was the flu. I could use another dose of happy. Or maybe a Cheering Charm. Can you do Cheering Charms on yourself? There's a question I'll have to ask Flitwick…

"If they get antsy, Marlene will stupefy them and I'll steal their clothes. See? Simple!"

Oh, right Alice. It was remarkably simple. Did they not remember these boys are close to top of the year?

I let out a sigh. "Oh, grow a spine," she said with a laugh. I glared. "You know I'm not serious. But seriously, Lily, if you want to be more of a rebel, you have to have more charisma. You need to be able to charm your way out of situations in case you get caught because you weren't being suave enough."

"Now Evans." Sirius slammed his palms down on the table and stared at me, face merely inches from my own. Thank Merlin he brushed his teeth this morning. I thought Marlene and Alice were bad? "In order to be charming, you have to look the part." What, was he going to give me a make over? There was no way I was changing anything if Sirius Black told me to. "You've got to smile." He grinned. "Give me your best smile." I smiled, granted I knew it wasn't my best smile, if anything it was crooked and awkward. His jaw dropped. "Frankly, that was the worst smile I've ever seen."

Alice and Marlene chuckled. They were watching happily from the sidelines as Sirius Black, James Potter, and my two surprises guests, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, tried to teach me to be charming.

"Try it again," Sirius commanded. I raised my eyebrows at him, thanking Merlin that James was behind me at the same time. If he was anywhere in my line of vision, my eyes would have automatically gone to him and that would have been horrible. I don't think my stomach would have been able to handle that. I'm seriously considering getting it removed.

"Black, I'm going to knock you upside-"

"That's not very charming, Lily," Remus commented, interrupting my threat. I sighed and sent a glare in his direction. He took it with a smile, thoroughly enjoying my torture and the power he had at this point in time.

Remus Lupin, power crazy? Who would have thought?

"Remember that one bloke- the third year- that you gave a detention the other day?" a too familiar voice asked, causing my stomach to jump around which messed with my heart, which I swear everyone could hear, thumping loudly against my rib cage so fiercely I was afraid the bones would shatter.

I didn't turn around. If I looked… no. This was getting bad. The only bright side was that my palms weren't sweaty yet.

"What?" I asked in what I hoped was a suave and mellow manner. It probably wasn't, of course, but there should be credit for trying. I hoped Alice and Marlene were paying attention.

Sirius and Remus turned to listen to the rest of the story. "Remember? After giving him said detention, he asked you out and you said, in a charming manner, that you'd rather go- what was it?- swap saliva with the giant squid than go out with him."

I flushed and muttered, "Well…yeah but…" Alice and Marlene were trying to hold in their laughter. Had we been in the Common Room, there was no doubt that the two would probably be rolling on the floor laughing.

Sirius opened his mouth to throw in his expected tidbit. "What? Did Lily say that to you, Pr-?"

But Remus was the one to cut him off. "So was _that _the reason you were crying in the dorm last night?" he asked with a mischievous marauder grin. James glared and Remus continued to grin. Huh. I didn't know he had an evil side. Besides the glare, though, James gracefully evaded the comments.

"One of your more creative shut downs, might I add," James said knowingly. "I would know."

Did he always make comments about the shut downs or was he just starting now? Either way, my face turned even redder and I looked down at the wooden table.

"Even though you insulted the poor boy," James continued, "you did it in a charming manner. He looked a little dazed as we walked away."

"That's completely different-" I began, but Remus cut me off. "Not really."

"Yeah, but-"

"Be prepared, Evans," Sirius said, leaning over me again. "This is going to be the most torturous training you've ever had."

_A/n: Chapter 10! Yay! Betchya can't wait to see Sirius trying to train Lily. Mhmm. Oh charisma. Anyway, this was finished in a hurry, but basically ended exactly as planned. Go figure. I've also got another one shot coming up soon._

_Guess what though! I passed all of my exams and did much better than I thought I would! It's so great; this summer is going to be much more relaxing. I don't have to panic over failed exams! Horray!_

_Much love, a CD, and a plate of yummy cookies for all of you,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	11. Professor Black Teaches Charm School

**Professor Black Teaches Charm School  
**a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

In order for me to become _charming_, Sirius has decided that I need to practice with random tasks throughout the day. Random tasks that are set up by him. According to Sirius, if I'm in everyday situations where I wouldn't normally be charming, I would realize it and change my attitude to what needs to be achieved. I hate to admit it, but it seemed relatively logical.

However, he didn't say when these tasks would pop up, so I had to be on my toes. And I've been on my toes for a week now and nothing has happened. I've gone about acting as I always would. It's nearing October. If it hits October I'm not going to listen to him. In fact, if it hits October I hereby declare that I will throw Sirius Black in the lake for leading me on like that, acting as if I would be in situations where I need to be charming.

Alice and Marlene aren't a great help either. They just stay with me constantly, obviously waiting for the same thing I am, but laughing incessantly. I don't know if they know when it's going to happen and are laughing in preparation, or if they're just naturally giggly like that. In all the six and some years that I have known those two I'd never seen them laugh that much. It's slightly creepy. Sooner or later, I'm just going to join in with them, act as if I know what they're laughing at, and see what they do, not to mention hope that they don't think I'm absolutely loony and want to send me to Saint Mungos. It's been threatened before.

"_Seriously, _guys! _What_ is so funny?" I finally asked in one wild outburst during Herbology.

"What?" Marlene asked. For the first time in what felt like ages she had on a straight face. No grin. No smirk. No anything! Just a straight I-think-you're-absolutely-mad face! What in the name of Merlin...!

I stared at her in awe, my jaw literally dropping- _dropping! _"You two," I gestured manically towards her and Alice, "have been giggling on and on about something for a _week_! What, pray tell, is _so funny_?"

And yet Alice and Marlene both looked at me like _I _was the mad one. What is going on with the world? Is it still upside down? Hello, world? If you can hear me, please flip back around! You're driving me absolutely mad!

I tested my plea quickly. Alice and Marlene were still looking at me as if I were completely loony.

James Potter.

Yup, my stomach did some weird flu-symptom flip flop when I thought of him.

Lovely. Thank you, world, for listening to me so well!

"You're mad, Lily," Alice said with a nod. "Maybe you're just unobservant to any other emotions?"

I narrowed my eyes as she peered at me innocently.

"Maybe..."

And that was that. Nothing else was said. Alice and Marlene just exchanged a smirk and went back to potting their plants. I was completely out of the loop. I grumbled and went back to potting my plant as well, tossing glares at my best mates for not sharing whatever secret they had.

Once the bell rang, it was relatively back to normal. Alice was jabbering on about something, Marlene and I nodding and listening. The only thing that was different was that Alice appeared not to be paying any attention to herself at all. She just prattled off some story while looking around the grounds (we were on our way to Care of Magical Creatures) for something. When I went to ask her, Marlene cut me off and asked if I did the drawing. By the time I told her yes and made a duplicate of it, Alice had stopped looking around.

"Alice, what are you-" _SPLASH!_ It was a loud splash that made us all jump and, in unison, say, "What in the name of Merlin..."

Everyone on the grounds turned to face the Black Lake to find Sirius standing there with his arms crossed and looking rather satisfied with himself. Remus and Peter were off to the side chuckling quietly, and James (insert stomach flutter here) was climbing out of the lake, sopping wet. It felt like my stomach was going to jump out of my throat. I wanted to go hid in a tree until he dried off or graduated. Whichever came first. Which would probably be drying, but he was _really _wet. So you never know, do you?

I went to hide behind Marlene because she's taller than Alice so I wouldn't have to duck as much. Though she did give me a questioning look. "Lily, what are you doing?" she asked, taking a side step and causing me to squee and follow. "What are you- get out from behind me you madman!" She side stepped again and this time I followed and held her shoulders so that she couldn't move. She turned her head as far towards me as she could and asked what I was doing.

"There was a bee!" I answered quickly. Actually, that was a very good response. I gave myself a mental pat on the back for my quick thinking and grinned. "And, you know, I didn't want to get stung or anything. And... I'm afraid of bees?" Okay, so I lost it there. I mentally took away my mental pat on the back.

"Glad to know you think so highly of me," Marlene answered dryly. She pried my fingers off her shoulders and kept walking forward.

"Come on, Lily," Alice said with a grin, practically skipping backwards at Marlene's side.

"But the bee..." I said weakly. "_Fine_." I followed my two evil mates who wouldn't shield me from James further down the hill and tried to be invisible while doing it. But that's really hard when you've got a honking huge bag at your side. And, you know, two excruciatingly loud mates.

I swear, they were holding a conversation like a couple of old, halfway deaf people!

In my attempts to be invisible (which, in order to be rebellious, you think they would have taught me that by now) I occupied myself with the grounds (though not over to my right, because that was where James was taking off his sopping wet shirt, which means that he will, in fact, probably dry before graduation) and the lovely flowers and such that grew. As I was occupying myself with a butterfly that was fluttering on by, I ran into a big, hard, wet rock.

"Umph!" I said, stumbling backwards, but the rock caught me in a wet embrace. My eyes were shut on impact and I suddenly started to question everything I had ever known about rocks. Since when have they had arms? Since when could they catch people with these new arms? How long have rocks been able to sprout out of the ground like weeds? Why am I just learning about these strange rock habits now, at seventeen? It's making me feel quite ignorant to tell you the truth.

Finally coming out of my brain rock vacation, I opened my eyes and saw that the wet rock wasn't really a rock. Though it was certainly wet. And it certainly should be. Because the previously mentioned 'rock' was indeed James Potter on his way back up to the castle, I'm presuming to find new clothes. As his were sopping wet. And, coincidentally, had gotten me wet as well.

"Oh bleeding hell," I said, trying to get away before my stomach went into a flip flop frenzy and I wouldn't be able to focus. Because, as I have mentioned, he had taken off his sopping wet shirt. So I had been embraced by a sopping wet, shirtless James. My stomach could _not _handle that. At all. In fact, I was getting slightly dizzy. I made a noise, that, in panicking Lily language at least, hopefully translated to, "Oh sweet Merlin and his socks, I've got to go. Tata for now!" And dashed over to Alice and Marlene who found the entire scene quite comical for they were sitting down laughing like a couple of hyenas.

"Did you know that was going to happen?" I asked, rubbing my stomach to tame the evil flip flopping whatevers that had taken it over. No use. I couldn't get the image of the shirtless James out of my head. His abs alone had me in a frenzy. It was pretty horrible. My frenzy. Not his abs. Those were quite lovely, actually. Very defined and lovely and I saw his _entire _arm. Now, I've admitted before that James has a nice forearm but his _entire _arm is even lovelier.

"Of _course_ not," Alice replied, sounding appalled that I would even think that.

"It wasn't," I breathed heavily, a little out of shape, "some attempt at, I don't even know?"

"You alright, Evans?" Sirius called, lazily jogging over to where I was panting and Marlene and Alice were laughing.

"What?"

"Obviously I've got a lot of work to do. You didn't react well to my first test at charming you," he said, looking me up anddown. I certainly didn't look like anything I'd been practicing.

"Sirius," I said in the calmest manner I could muster, which, really, was screaming. "THAT IS NOT AN EVERY DAY SITUATION! It is _not _every day that the bleeding _Head Boy-_" and complete babe, I added silently to myself- "comes running up to give me a _sopping, shirtless hug!_"

It felt nice taking it out on Sirius like that. I don't think he gets yelled at enough by professors anyway.

"You are a horrible charisma coach! _Why _did I even listen to you? Alice and Marlene must be _mad _thinking you could help me become mo- hmmphhplarghhnymmphhadore!" Marlene's hand, obviously, flew up and covered my mouth. She began dragging me away, apologizing to Sirius and telling him that, yes, the tests were still a-go and then to Alice to pick up my bag.

Once we were a reasonable distance down the hill and the Marauders a reasonable distance up it Marlene uncovered my mouth and Alice handed me my bag.

"Do you remember _anything _about being suave?" she asked sternly, stopping and tapping her foot like Mum does. Oh sweet Merlin, insensible, over-reacting, spontaneous Marlene was acting like my _mother_. "Are we just wasting out time trying to do this? Because this isn't benefiting us at all! We're helping _you _become more rebellious! And yet you just almost blew it back there, telling everyone! Do you even _care_, Lily?"

Whoa. _Whoa_. Since when is Marlene serious? Alice had her hand stretched out in front of her like she wasn't sure whether or not to stop Marlene or not and I just stood there, shocked. She really did sound like my mother.

"Do you?" she asked again, glaring down at me.

"Yes," I answered quietly looking at my toes. My eyes got all watery. Marlene really mad was _scary_. I blinked away the bleeding tears before looking up. "Sorry."

"Good." She spun on her heel and marched down the hill. Alice gave me a worried look before beckoning me to follow, which I did.

By the time we caught up with her, Marlene was chuckling. Alice looked scared, kind of like Marlene might have some random disease that's making her act all wonky and bipolar.

"Marlene... er, are you alright? I mean, should we bring you to the Hospital Wing or something?" Alice asked timidly, doing the hand stretched out thing again.

"Merlin, Lily," Marlene said with a snort. "You've _really _got to work on being charming." And with that, she went and sat down by Daniel Davis so that she could ask him about the homework while simultaneously flirt with him.

"That was a _test_?" I asked Alice in disbelief. "No way. It wasn't. That was so... Marlene never gets... That was a _test?!_"  
Alice was laughing now. "I guess so. Damn, she did a good job."

.:.

For the rest of the day I was even more on my toes. I mean, that was _two tests _in five minutes! Two! What else was there going to be? Besides me charmingly murdering Sirius while avoiding James at the same time. That was going to be difficult. I mean, I saw him with his _shirt off_. That's not something that's easy to forget. In fact, because he sits in front of me in Potions, I think I failed the test I took because, I mean, I _saw his shirtless back_. And arms. And stomach. And shoulders.

I thought I was going to start hyperventilating during the test.

Being charming is hard.

.:.

Sirius cornered me at breakfast the next morning claiming that I wasn't quite ready for spontaneously being charming. He said I needed practice first. When I glared and asked how, he just winked, said to meet him in the Common Room at six o'clock sharp, and walked away with his hands in his pockets. I yelled to see if anyone else was coming and he just chuckled.

Is that a good sign? I'm not sure. Probably not. Merlin only knows why Sirius chuckles.

So now I'm walking ever so slowly to the Common Room. I hid out in the library for fear of running into James because I would either a) say something stupid b) melt into a puddle c) not be able to form coherent sentences or d) all of the above, and all at once. And I would do all of that while picturing him wet and shirtless. I'm surprised I managed to not, you know, die earlier. Because technically he hugged me.

Sweet Merlin, my stomach started to do the flip flop thing again. Maybe I need to eat something fattening to keep it still. That's it, I'll have Alice make me one of her cakes. She's puts loads of unhealthy stuff in there, like a bit of butterbeer ("For character!").

When I reached the Common Room, I was disappointed to see that the Fat Lady was there. The _one time _I need her to be away and she's sitting happily in her frame playing chess with some bloke from down the hall. Before giving her the password, I wasted more time cursing the short distance between the library and the Common Room.

I looked at my watch. One minute till six. I just _had _to be on time. Blimey.

I gave the password and the Fat Lady swung open, the man from the other portrait swore because his chess pieces tumbled from the swing. "I _told _you to be careful after the first time!"

The Common Room was mostly empty except for a couple fifth years flitting around, trying to cram before and Astronomy test. Or at least that's what I picked up from their conversation. Who knows, they could just naturally be like that. And I wouldn't be surprised. The fifth years this year are quite energetic.

I decided to make myself comfortable but before I could squish around in the armchair a bit to find the right spot, someone called my name.

"Lily! That's you, right? I haven't seen you in ages! That's your red hair, isn't it? If you don't answer me then I'm going to feel like a right loon. Lily?" I spun in my chair (completely losing the almost comfortable spot) and saw Sam and Ellen standing in the portrait hole. "Are you deaf?" Sam called. Ellen elbowed him in the side. "Ow."

Speaking of energetic fifth years... "Hello, Sam. Ellen." I sighed in relief, thankful that it wasn't Sirius. Maybe he'd forgotten. Ah, that'd be nice. I'd have the night off. No idea where Marlene and Alice are, probably off rampaging with a couple of blokes. Sirius probably got swept up in some prank. Ah yes, the good life. "Did you, er... need something?" I asked, a bit uncertain. It's not often Sam talks to me, mainly because I don't see him and when I do it's because we're passing in the halls.

"Yeah, Sirius said to sit tight, he'll be here in a bit. He got... _caught up_, if you catch my drift," he pointed a finger at me and winked. Ellen stomped on his foot.

"Don't mind him, Lily. He's a bit mad. I mean, obviously. You've seen him before, acting all mad and what not. I do my best to contain him but, well, you see how well that's working."

I grinned, and nodded. "It must just be a bloke thing."

She smiled. "Probably. They're all a bit mad, aren't they?"

"No we're not. You girls are just too... not mad."

"You're calling me not mad? Are you sure? Because I can be off my rocker when I want to be!"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist." Ellen glared at him. "Come on," he said, putting his arm around her shoulders. "Lets go send this letter."

And the pair walked off.

Never in my life have I seen an odder couple. I was still trying to figure out how it went from Ellen calling Sam mad, to Sam claiming he wasn't, and Ellen claiming she could be if she wanted to be, when Sirius walked in, thankfully by himself. His hair was tousled. Lovely. I was getting Post-Snog Sirius.

"Nice hair," I commented sarcastically. Minus one Charming Point for Lily, but hey, it was worth it. "Get in a fight with a lion?"

Sirius just grinned and ran his hand through the mop, which, somehow, managed to look relatively normal afterwards.

Now if James did that the pieces of hair would stick up even more. He should take lessons from Sirius (why is Sirius suddenly becoming Mister Professor?!). I mean, even the other day while it was soaking wet it still stood up at odd angles.

_Flip. And flop._

Oh sweet Merlin.

"Are you ready to go?" Sirius asked, sitting on the couch next to me.

"Where are we going?" I asked suspiciously.

"Why, I'm taking you to dinner!"

I laughed out loud. "No you're _not_."

He gave me a confused look. "Yes I am. You need to practice being charming."

"I'm not going to dinner with you."

"Come on. If you don't move, I'll carry you. And I'm sure you wouldn't want that. Besides, what if someone saw? Then word will get back to Maggie- No... Stephanie. No. Bleeding hell. Sarah! That was it! And then I'll have to try and make amends. So do this for me." He was smirking but there was still a tint of begging in his voice.

Grudgingly I stood up and followed him out of the Common Room, laughing and walking ahead when he offered his arm. I could have sworn he mumbled something about most girls willing to give up a lung to touch his biceps and couldn't help but let out a snort.

"You know," he said, "that wasn't charming at all."

"Shove off. Let's get this over with."

We stayed quiet for a few more minutes and then I realized where we were exactly.

The portrait of the fruit stood in front of me and memories of ticklish pears and James came flooding back, of course making my stomach flip flop more than ever. I held on to it- my stomach, that is- and hoped that it wasn't noticeable.

"Why are we at the kitchens?" I asked, gripping my stomach tighter. You know, this bloody well sucks. Can I not go _anywhere _and have it remind me of James Potter? I mean, surely it wouldn't be so bad if my bloody stomach didn't go into a freaky frenzy every single time, but honestly. What is _wrong _with me?

He gave me a peculiar look. "How did you know these were the kitchens?" he asked suspiciously.

Wait. James didn't tell him that we went here? Sweet Merlin.

"Well, I- you said... dinner! You said dinner. So, it's only right to assume that these are the kitchens?" Please, please, please let him buy my lie.

"Oh. Alright. Well, anyway. I guess you know what to do. Tickle the pear and it'll let you in and the next part of charm lessons will be waiting in there," he explained, putting his hands in his pockets and turning to walk away.

What?

"Wait! What? I thought _you _were taking me to dinner!"

Sirius turned back around and grinned. "I did. I brought you to dinner. You're dinner is in there. With the next part of your lesson. Go, go. Enjoy." And with that, he gave me a cheeky grin and walked away.

I sucked in a deep breath and tickled the pear. It giggled and turned into a green doorknob.

What if it was James? I couldn't handle that. I couldn't even handle being in the same classroom as him. How am I supposed to get charm lessons from the boy who has single-handedly taken over my brain? I wouldn't survive. I'd demand the house elves kidnap me and ship me off to Nigeria. Or Siberia. Or whatever! Anywhere else but that room!

I must be going mad! Any other girl in her right mind would sell their soul to go to dinner with the boy that she... _fancied_. (There! I admitted it! I finally admitted it! I fancy James Potter! I did it again! Granted the only one that knows it is my inner brain and such, and, okay, it was pretty obvious before that, but admitting it is a great step! Right? RIGHT?!) Actually, any girl in their right mind would sell their soul to go to dinner with James Potter, not just the boy they fancied (though to be fair, most girls have fancied James Potter at some point in their life).

It was kind of dark and my stomach was in knots. I'm supposed to eat dinner with James. What if I barf? Oh sweet Merlin, I probably will, too. What kind of Head Girl tosses her cookies all over the Head Boy?

There was an outline of James. I could just barely make out his messy hair. Well, actually, it looked a bit less messy today. I wonder if he combed it just for the occasion.

"Lily? Is that you? Blimey, Sirius took forever. Come have a seat."

Wait. _Wait._ That wasn't... It's not James. It's...

"_Aggley?!_"

_A/n: Horray! Another chapter. I just finished _Stop in the Name of Pants!_ which really put me in the writing mood which is also why this chapter is so random. I'm really tired because- well, have you ever accidentally had two sodas before going to bed and forgetting that sleep would come soon and then try to get to sleep and realize you can't because you're hyped up on caffeine? That's what happened last night which is why I'm so tired. I didn't fall asleep until about oneish, the entire time wishing I was outside running. Go figure._

_Oh yeah, hope you liked my cliffy. This one goes out to Beefcake the Mightly who really wanted to see a shirtless, wet James. Of course, I think most of us would. So yeah._

_Thanks for reading!_

_Mucho lurve, your own shirtless, wet marauder, and a bowl of sweets,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	12. Sacks of Fruit are Great Conversation St

(A/n: I always forget about that stupid formatting thing. I think I fixed it. Sorry that it's so obnoxious to read. I hate when it does that, too.)

**Sacks of Fruit are Great Conversation Starters**

a Siriulsy Klutzy story.

Sirius Black is dead meat. And when I say dead meat, I mean fed to my sister's fiance's sister's evil dogs dead meat. Sirius Black is so dead that... he's with the dead squished bugs on the bottom of my shoes. And there are a lot of them, too. Especially because during Care of Magical Creatures when it gets really dull, Alice, Marlene, and I have a competition to see who can squish the most bugs.

_That _is how dead Sirius Black is.

"What are _you _doing here?" I asked Dylan Aggley who was standing across from me looking rather smug. You have nothing to be smug about, Aggley, for you are almost as dead as Sirius.

"Helping out Sirius." Aggley walked over to the table and sat down. "He offered me five galleons to do this tonight and I figured, hey, I need a new broom anyway, why not add to the fund?"

That _prat_! Sirius or Aggley, you may wonder? _Both_.

Oh, Sirius, you are dead to me.

"Wait. I have to eat dinner? With you? Is Sirius out of his _mind_?"

Aggley smiled slyly. "Now Evans," he said, "that's not very charming, is it?"

I opened my mouth to speak but couldn't voice anything. After mentally cursing my vocal cords for choosing just then to fail me, it hit me that he made sense. I wasn't being charming. This was all a test by Sirius Black to see if I could have dinner with the most repulsive person on the planet and have him survive.

Well, Sirius, that was mighty genius of you. And I was planning on showing him that I _was _the bigger person.  
I walked gracefully- or some would call it stomped- over to where Aggley was sitting and ignored his gesture at pulling out the chair, until I realized that the _charming thing to do _would be to graciously accept the stupid thing and win points. Granted, I realized this half way through so I was in mid-chair-snatch-and-sit and mid-realizing-that-I-should-be-charming so while I did end up accepting it with a quick 'Thank you', I wouldn't be getting any suave points for it.

"The house elves are bringing ham," he said conversationally. I wanted to flick bits of my napkin at him, maybe hit him in the eye so he'd go blind and I could make my escape. And he'd be blind, so for all he'd know, I did it charmingly.  
Instead, I grimaced and twiddled with my fork, constantly reminding myself that Sirius was dead and I could kill him as long as I made it through this dinner.

"Lovely," I answered through my teeth.

He rolled his eyes. "Charming?"

I rolled my eyes right back. "Oh, Agg- _Dylan_," I gushed. "Ham! I just _love _ham! It's right up there on my list of favorite piggy foods!"

Okay. So I sounded like an idiot. But I think he got my icy point.

I went back to fiddling with my fork.

After about five minutes of me fiddling with my fork, shooting him glares, him grinning back like he was king of the bloody world, and me wanting to stomp on his foot so hard that his toes fell off, a tiny house elf came carrying a tray of ham. I love the house elves, I really do, even after that first time and they scared me a bit because they were so helpful, but this ham just didn't look nice. It wasn't until the house elf addressed Aggley that I finally understood.

Trying to keep up his proper charade, the house elf turned toward him but there was a noticeable glare in his eyes as he said, "Sir would like anything else?" Now, if a house elf doesn't like you there's got to be something wrong.

"No, we're fine," he answered before I could ask for a drink. The house elf stomped away and I swear if he wouldn't have to injure himself later (how unfair is that? He can't even express himself without having to inflict personal injury!) he would have thrown Aggley some very nice hand gestures. "So anyway, Lily..."

I leaned back in my chair as if he was oozing sleaze all over the table and it might come attack at any moment. Seriously, he probably was. And I thought he was _decent_! Obvoiusly I need to be a better judge of character. Remember! He used to be sweet and little and just a wee little prefect! And now he's the Sleaze Master!

"Harry!" I called, seeing my favorite house elf bouncing across the room with a huge bowl full of... fruit? I grinned at the easy escape.

"Miss Lily!" Harry said. He scurried over and offered me an apple which I took as the ham still looked revolting. "How are you, Miss Lily? Harry has missed you down here!"

"You _know _each other?" Aggley asked, repulsion oozing with his every word. Stupid repulsive boys.

We ignored him.

"I'm alright, Harry. How are you? Why are you carrying fruit?" I motioned to the bowl on his head that was now missing an apple.

"Harry is excellent as always, Miss. The fruit is for Miss Ellen of Gryffindor. She needed it for her practice."

I grinned. I had just found my escape. "Ellen? As in Ellen of the Gryffindor Quidditch team?" I asked excitedly, positively bobbing in my chair and determinedly ignoring Aggley who was throwing questions at me like a question throwing machine. ("What's going on?" "How do you know this elf?" "Is it really sanitary to take an apple from it?" First off, Aggley, you eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, no? All of which has been handled by the elves? Huh. And second of all, _it_? He is obviously a _he _as his name is Harry! Ahem.)

"You know Miss Ellen?" Harry asked excitedly.

"Yes, Harry! Where is she?" La la la, escape! I was coming! I was so thrilled I could sing. Take that, Mister Sirius I-Think-I'm-So-Smart Black! I out-smarted you and there's nothing you can do about it! Ha, ha, HA!

"She's right through there-"

"Show me, Harry!" I jumped up, knocking over my chair and ushered Harry forward. I wanted to make a grand exit and say something cool and foreign to let Aggley know I was leaving and confuse him all at the same time, but I only knew how to ask where the bathroom was in French, thanks to Mum, so I just darted off, abandoning his calls of, "Evans! Evans, wait! Sirius is going to hear about this! If I don't get my five galleons it's on your head!" Screw Sirius's charming lesson, I was out of there!

"Ellen!" I screeched when I saw her. I was so happy I could have hugged her, but she was in the middle of eating some pudding and that probably wouldn't have had very good results.

"Lily?" she asked, surprised.

"Sirius Black is dead." I answered the unasked question.

"Why?"

"He made me eat dinner."

Ellen looked confused. "Oh, the horror!" she mocked.

"With Dylan Aggley."

"That bloke who...?"

I nodded and explained the whole charming situation.

"Oh, ew. Dead is good."

"Can I stick around with you?" I begged. There was no one else around. She probably wanted company. Right? If she didn't, oh well. She was damn well getting it.

"Sure," she said. "But you've got to help me carry this." She held up a couple bags filled with all sorts of fruit.

"Erm, would it be strange of me to ask _why _you have so much fruit?" I asked with a peculiar look.

"It was my turn to get it for the team. James is a health nut," she explained. "Thinks we should be on a 'natural high' and that we can't do that if we 'eat too much of this comfort food.'" She grinned. "Little does he know, I've got boxes of Chocolate Frogs stashed under my bed."

I grinned and thought back to the time in the kitchen (cue stomach going mad here). "Yeah, I know. He's ridiculous when it comes to healthy food. Except for cookies." Everything was so easy going and non-murderous now that I was out of sight of Aggley. He's really a mood damper.

She raised here eyebrows at me. "You _know_?"

Subtle, Evans, real subtle.

"Well, I mean... there was one time, and we came down here and he was talking about all this healthy stuff and made fun of me and then, yeah..." I explained as best as I could, turning a very dark shade of red.

Ellen eyed me curiously but went back to getting the bags. Seriously, who assigns someone to come down to the kitchens to get sacks of _fruit_? James Potter (flip, damnit) was one abnormal bean.

"So," Ellen said conversationally. We started making our way through the kitchens, but it took much longer than necessary because I insisted on being thorough and making sure that Prat-meister Aggley was gone for good. "Why'd Sirius make you come eat dinner here? That's a bit strange, Lil. And since when do you listen to what Sirius says, anyway? Aren't you Miss Independent?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "It's... complicated," I finally answered.

Here eyes nearly bugged out of her head from what I can only assume was a wrong assumption. "When you say _complicated_, you mean...?" She waggled here eyebrows at me, nearly making me heave.

"Merlin, Ellen, no! That's sick! Disgusting! Sweet Merlin, how could you even think that?" I almost dropped my sack of fruit from my momentary spazz attack. Ellen was laughing while I tried to get my balance again from the near freak accident. (It can so be described as a freak accident. Think about it. Hogwarts Student Killed by Unstable Sack of Fruit. See? The headline alone has enough freak in it for an entire paper.)

"That's good," Ellen said with a snort. She grabbed my shoulder to steady me. We started walking again a couple seconds later. "I didn't really believe it. I mean, it's so obvious that it's James who tickles your fancy."

I stopped dead. She didn't notice until she turned to see why I hadn't responded.

"What?" she asked, obviously confused.

"What gave you _that _idea?" I asked with a worried snort. I was trying to show nonchalance, maybe a bit of suaveness in there but my voice was shaking and my sack of fruit slipped out of my hand. Bye, bye orange that rolled down the hall. I barely knew ye.

"Idea?" Now she snorted. "Try fact."

I gathered up a couple of bananas that had strolled away before looking at her again.

"I _don't _fancy James Potter," I lied, my stomach now dancing around like it was in some competition for most annoying stomachs in the history of the planet. And it was winning.

"Right, of course not." She was sarcastic.

"Ellen, I don't."

"Mhmm."

"No really, I swear."

"Right."

She was a good three steps ahead of me, carrying her fruit with ease. I was darting from side to side, trying to prove her wrong. I did _not _fancy James Potter.

At least, not in a way that everyone should know about. He was my secret fancy. I hadn't even told Alice and Marlene yet. And they have no idea. Hell, I didn't even know until recently! So how could _Ellen _of all people know that?

"Ellen, really."

"Whatever you say Lily."

Finally, I stopped. She must have noticed my lack of pestering for she turned around.

"How'd you figure it out?" I asked pathetically. I gave in. She smiled a great big smile, enthusiasm and excitement positively radiating off of her.

"It was obvious! So obvious!" she said, dancing over to me and letting out a giggle. "The way you _stare _at him! There's no way you could deny it, Lily." She was nodding eagerly and before I knew it, the girl who I had known for hardly a month, gave me a hug and we were both dancing around. "What have Alice and Marlene said about it?"

Guilt took over then. My face went red and the whole giddy atmosphere? Yeah, that was gone.

Ellen gasped. "You haven't _told _them? Lily, they're going to know you're keeping a secret. And it's probably even more obvious to them seeing as they're your _best mates_! They'll _know _what the secret is! You've got to tell them!"

"I can't," I sighed.

"And why bloody not?" I slumped against the wall and she stood over me with her hands on her hips, bearing a sharp resemblance to my mum, which was really quite scary.

"Because..." I whined, twisting my foot into the floor. Ellen continued looking at me like Mum. Who knew that a little fifth year Quidditch player would be able to intimidate me? Me! Lily Evans! Head bloody Girl! "I don't know! What if they don't approve? Or believe me? And they send me to an asylum? Or insist I check into Saint Mungo's? OR! What if they _do _believe me? And they prance around saying 'I told you so!'" By this point my hands were clutching chunks of my hair and I was walking circles. Ellen was nodding at me sympathetically. "_Or_," I continued, "what if they just coo and go 'awweee' like I did to Marlene when she said she fancied Marc Something-or-Another and to Alice when she kissed Tommy I-Don't-Know-His-Last-Name in third year? There is no good way to do this, Ellen!"

"I've seen Alice and Marlene. They're probably going to do all of that. But if you don't tell them, they'll murder you. And not fast, either. They'll do it slowly because you're their best mate and you're keeping a secret. I wouldn't be surprised if blast-ended skrewts came into the picture along with a couple of jinxes and such." Stupid wise Ellen. She was right. I hate when people are right. "I just can't believe they haven't guessed yet. I mean, it's James bleeding Potter! He's fancied you for _ages_! And suddenly the two of you are best mates? How have they not noticed? Lily, you _really _have to tell them."

I got a bit dizzy for a second, probably from all of the changing emotions. Suspicion, fear, giddiness, nervousness, anxiousness, more nervousness, and just about everything else that I could possible have felt. Sometimes I wish I had the emotional range of a teaspoon…

"But... I don't _want _to," I moaned.

Ellen rolled her eyes. "You don't _want _to?" She scoffed. "Some Head Girl _you _are."

That sobered me up a bit.

"What?"

"Is that why you let that one bloke off with just a warning last week? Because you didn't _want _to give him detention? What, were you too lazy? Yeah, Dumbledore made a fantastic choice picking you as Head Girl. Merlin forbid you ever do something you don't _want _to."

"Hey, wait a second, that's completely not the point at all!" I argued weakly, stumbling over my words.

Ellen raised her eyebrows and I realized I walked right into what she wanted.

"The longer you wait," she began with a grin, "the more furious they'll be and the longer they'll make you beg for forgiveness."

Again, I hate when people are right.  
We walked back to the Common Room in silence, me dragging my feet and Ellen grinning smugly. When we got there, the Quidditch team (minus Sirius and obviously Ellen) was sitting in one corner of the room, dressed in their practice gear with James (_Flip!_ That was the first time I ever wished my stomach had a face I could punch.) hunched over something in the middle, probably a diagram, and explaining a play. Ellen grinned even more when she saw this.

I offered her the fruit and she ignored it, motioning with a jerk of her head for me to follow. "It's too heavy for me to carry that. Do you _want _my limbs to fall off? James would have a nervous breakdown if his most prized beater lost her limbs."  
I glared at her the entire way, not that she could see me because she was strutting on ahead with her bags of fruit. She dropped them on the table. Right on top of James's play.

"Thanks, Ellen," James said. "Very convenient place for them."

"No problem, Cap'n."

"Is there any more?" he asked, looking at the apparently underwhelming pile of fruit sacks. What the hell, James? How is that not enough fruit to feed seven people?

But I took that as my cue and added my bag to the pile. He smiled.

"Oh, hey, Lily. How convenient it is for us that you happened to be carrying a sack of fruit that you were generously planning on donating."

"Isn't it? I thought today would be a nice day for some fruit donations." Lovesick or not, somehow I managed to formulate complete sentences around James, something for which I honored myself a gold star for. "I just happened to be in the kitchens."

He grinned. "Oh yeah?"

So he _knew_?

"Yeah. When you see Sirius, please pass on the message that he is deader than Professor Binns?"

James cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah, sure. Erm, why?"

"Why?"

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?" So much for sounding like you made sense around him, Lily.

"I mean, why are you suddenly threatening my best mate? Don't get me wrong. I'm sure whatever he did probably deserves a nice death threat, but would you mind informing me of what that was?"

"You don't know?" Ellen's eyes went wide along with mine. How could he not know?

"Know what? Did anyone ever tell you that you're _really _bad at giving out information?"

"You didn't know that she was forced to go have dinner with Dylan Aggley to work on her charm?" Ellen asked aghast.

"WHAT?!"

"Apparently not," Ellen mumbled.

James turned red. Really, really red. Red as in, if you put my hair on his head you wouldn't be able to distinguish his face from the hair. _That's _how red he got.

And then, completely clad in Quidditch gear, he stalked out of the room, fists in balls, leaving me standing there with a partial quidditch team and large quantities of fruit.

One question remained in my mind and that was: What the _hell_?

_A/n: Oh! I made it! I made my deadline with pretty much the least amount of time possible! I'm so so so so so (times infinity!) sorry that I've been such a big procrastinator. The end of summer has been _killing _me. Like whoa. I'm lucky I found this amount of time to do this, but no one is bothering me right now and I knew if I didn't do it then I'd be up until… uber late trying to finish and that's just no fun. But there'd probably still be the same amount of spelling/grammer mistakes. Stupid lack of time. :shakes fist:_

_I actually finished the chapter a few days ago, but have seriously had _no time_. I've been on the computer pretty much to check my email and check sites for, like, HP or Twilight updates or something. Whereas earlier in the summer, hell even during the school year, I could sit on the computer for hours. Go figure._

_Anyway, school is starting this week. Hurray (not). But I'll try to update as soon as I can. I swear!_

_Much love forever because you all rock and a bunch of fruit and a quidditch team full of babes just for you!_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	13. I've Fallen Quite Hard Over You

**I've Fallen Quite Hard Over You**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

James didn't come back to the Common Room before I went up to bed, and Quidditch practice was officially declared canceled by Marlene who was sick of sitting around the fruit, waiting. (The fruit, which, by the way, was abandoned in the Common Room that night so Ellen and mine's journey with numerous bags of excruciatingly fruit was basically useless.) In fact, no one saw James until he appeared, on time, to his first class the next day with his mates all grinning by his side.

All of them.

Including Sirius.

Who had a yellow-purple bruise on his cheek bone, just bellow his left eye.

"Did you see that?" Alice hissed, elbowing me in the side. "Did you _see_?"

"Yes, I saw!" I whispered back, swatting her hand away. "What do you think...?"  
Marlene laughed loudly, completely ignoring the fact that we were trying to whisper. Professor Binns didn't even notice. Come to think of it, I don't know why we even bothered whispering.

"Are you really that thick?" Marlene asked. She nodded at Alice. "Add Common Sense lesson to the list." Alice laughed.

"No, really. What do you think happened?" I asked, trying my best to ignore the pounding that my chest was doing, the flips that my stomach was doing, and the nervous twitching habit my foot was taking up. Because it couldn't possibly be what I thought it could be. Could it...?

"Obviously you need to work on your maths. It's like two plus two. Okay, Lily. When was the last time you saw James," she said, acting like she was talking to a four year old. "Who was missing from Quidditch practice? And did James leave in the best of moods?"

I rolled my eyes. "That doesn't mean anything. Besides, they're best mates. James wouldn't hit his best mate over something so... so... stupid."

"Best mates are more abusive than most enemies," Alice pointed out knowingly. Marlene nodded in agreement.

"But they're getting along just fine." We glanced over to the two boys who were building something out of sugar quills. "Look at that! See. It wasn't James. James wouldn't have. They wouldn't be making a little fort out of sugar quills. Sirius would be furious. James wouldn't." There. That'll show 'em.

Marlene and Alice shared a look before grinning and "taking notes". I turned an ear towards the boys, hoping that I could figure something out.

"...him run away? I thought he was going to wet his pants!" That was Sirius talking.

"He deserved to, after what happened. But then again, so do you." James. Who's he? And after what happened? I wish I had a time turner.

"I was just doing as asked. Besides, you got me pretty good, too, Prongs. In case you haven't noticed, my face doesn't always look like this, not that it isn't dashing..."

"You're just lucky I didn't break your nose," James said. He lowered his voice to a whisper.

It was silent, and I took that to mean Sirius was nodding. "Yeah, that's true, mate. I don't think Aggley's nose will ever be the same."

I let out a miniature yelp and blushed crimson when half of the class (not, thankfully, including Sirius and James) turned to stare in my direction. Even Professor Binns looked up for a second before returning to reading off his long, boring, painful notes.

"It'll always be crooked, slightly off to the left."

Oh, sweet Merlin.

Basing my conclusion off of all the facts I'd just learned, it sounded like James not only punched Dylan Aggley in the nose, but he also _broke _it! And he got Sirius (the prat) as well! James punched Aggley in the nose. James _punched _Aggley! For me! Because of me!

James Potter- the object of my fancy- punched Dylan Aggley- the object that I'd fancy hexing- in the nose because of me. Lily Evans.

I could sing!

"What are you smiling about?" Marlene whispered. "Are giant living styles _really _that interesting to you?"

That's when I realized the smile on my face must have been _huge_. I coughed, trying to get my facial muscles to relax for just one second, and said, "Oh yeah," with an almost-but-not-quite-muffled giggle, "I just can't get over how thrilling they are. Trees. Some giants are as big as trees."

Right, so maybe I was a bit giddy (I can hear the harsh songs now, _Loony loony Lily_ or something more creative than that). But come _on_. You would be, too, if James Potter- James _bloody _Potter!- punched a complete prat in the nose. And broke it!  
In _your _honor!

"Are you alright?" Alice asked. "You look a little bit mad right now, Lily."  
"I'll tell you... after class," I finally said. That gave me plenty of time to figure out exactly how I was going to do this.

I thought about the whole process during the rest of History of Magic. I chickened out. I couldn't tell them about how I fancied James. Not then anyway. No, it was too soon. I would just tell them that it _was _James who punched Sirius, and that I was excited because Sirius deserved it.

It's not like they didn't know what Sirius did. I mean, Marlene was right there! In the meeting! When we explained what happened. So unless she went momentarily deaf, she knows what happened. So she knew that James was all ticked at Sirius! But I mean, it's Aggley.

Really.

It makes complete sense.

Right. So it was the perfect plan. Nothing could go wrong, and nothing would go wrong.

After class, we were the first three out of the room, nearly knocking over Frank Longbottom (Alice let out a rushed apology as we passed, claiming a mental emergency in my case, thanks Alice) on the way through the door. Marlene grabbed my upper arm and pulled me down the hallway where no one could hear and Alice trailed behind, making sure no one followed.

"_What _is going on with you?" Marlene asked. "You're going mad, Lily. Is it too much work? Are the Head duties too much, with school work and everything? Seriously, we can talk to Dumbledore and I'm sure he'd be willing to let you take a break, maybe hand in some assignments late and then maybe..."

Merlin, how many times are people going to sound like Mum? It was really starting to give me a headache.

I waved her off dismissively. "Nothing's wrong with me. And I'm _not _going mad-" at least not for the reasons they have to believe- "as much as you may think I am. No, I just overheard that it _was _James who hit Sirius." I nodded, trying to prove my point. Unfortunately, I never was the best liar, or rather, truth stretcher. And my foot was tapping like crazy.

Alice and Marlene did another one of their look things at each other, and then one at me that clearly stated _Well, duh_.

"Hey, Lily," Alice said, taking a step in closer. She grinned at Marlene.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?" she asked with a sly smirk.

"Sure...?"

She and Marlene took one more step towards me, almost boxing me in to the wall.

"When did you start calling him James?"

My stomach plummeted.

Oh, sweet Merlin.

"What?" I took another step back as they took one more to me. The coolness of the stone radiated onto my fingers.

"You know? Potter?" Marlene said.

"Or, now more commonly known as, James."

"But hasn't he always been Potter in your book, Lily? Since the day you two started, that was all he went by."

"Sure," Alice continued. "You gave him the nicknames."

"Toerag."

"Prat."

"Egotistical monster."

"Big-headed prick."

"But it always went back to Potter."

They were so close to me now, both with identical evil smirks, that my back was pressed against the wall.

"So why is that?"

I didn't answer right away, and that's when I noticed that the hall was empty. We were going to be late for class, and for what? Because I was being _interrogated_ about James Potter. 'What the hell?' is a common question in my mind these days, isn't it?

"It's...a, erm, momentary lapse of... nickname...osity?" I tried. And I failed miserably. Even they couldn't keep from bursting out into loud gasps of laughter. They laughed so much that Marlene needed the wall for support. Personally, I didn't find this situation very amusing, and if Alice hadn't been clinging to my wrist in order to keep from falling as Marlene just did, I would have bolted off in the opposite direction.

"Merlin, Lily," Marlene said between intakes of breath. She was sitting on the floor leaning against the wall and clutching her stomach. "How thick do you think we are?"

Why, thanks, Marlene.

Alice had her hand against the wall and she was doubled over. "Yeah. Honestly. You don't think we haven't _noticed _how weirdly you've been acting lately? We're not stupid! You're our best mate!"

"So... you know?"

Alice tried to straighten up but gave up and sat down next to Marlene instead.  
"Know that you and James are now mates?" Marlene asked with a snort. "Yup. We figured that out long ago."

_Au contraire_, Marlene. You two are quite thick.

I let out a nervous chuckle. "Right! Oh, damn. You caught me. We _are _mates. Yeah, we're right old Exploding-Snap-playing-back-patting-have-you-round-for-tea-and-crumpets mates!"

I didn't have to tell them! They didn't need to know! I mean, they did eventually because Ellen would kill me if they didn't, but not just then! Life was finally on my side! I was going to make it a nice plate of cookies. Thank you, life, you were quite nice to me!

"Why didn't you tell us? What'd you think we were going to do?" Marlene asked. "Hang you by your toes?"

Alice laughed and stood up. "Yeah, come on, Lily. Don't be so stupid next time. We love you and we like James. All is well and dandy and fine and such. Shall we go to class?"

* * *

"Excuse me, Lily?" I spun around, hoping and praying and crossing my fingers that it wasn't Ellen coming to get me for not telling Alice and Marlene yet.

Defensively, my hands immediately went up to protect me and ended up in the face of a sixth year Ravenclaw girl who I knew to be the sister of a slaggish girl that Sirius Black once dated. The girl- not the girl in front of me, the Sirius Black dater- wasn't all that pleasant. In fact, if I remember correctly, their little split up involved spilled gravy, hot pants (not the kind you'd be bragging about) and a very loud choice of words on her part, as Sirius was hollering about his pants and other things inside of pants that might never work the same again because of burning gravy.

Lovely, yeah?

I coughed. "Oh. Hello." I tried to lower my hands in a casual manner and made it look like I was dusting off my skirt instead of looking like I was anticipating an ambush by a rather small fifth year.

The girl didn't seem to be slaggish like her sister had been those short years ago. She actually looked rather bookish. She wore glasses and had dark, curly- but in a slightly frizzy way- hair. Also, she was carrying about five or so books, so that was a bit of a give away.

But you can never judge a person by their looks. Especially if said person is a Ravenclaw. Because, you know Ravenclaws. They don't trust anyone. They don't recognize help when it's dancing in front of them wearing nothing but a _Lost Chocolate Frog Cards _poster as a toga.

Ravenclaws are quite thick, actually.

Or at least most of them.

This Ravenclaw, however, didn't seem so bad.

"I was just coming to ask about the Chocolate Frog cards?" she said timidly as she hugged her books closer to her chest, bless her.

Intimidated by me? Pfft. Well, that's silly. I'm just the Head Girl who is trying to learn to be more rebellious while balancing school work and trying to maintain a friendship with my two mates while also keeping a huge secret from them.

Sometimes it's just so hard being me.

"Oh, was it _you _who's lost them?" I asked, eager at the prospect that I'd finally get those damned cards out of my drawer and away from Alice and Marlene who, I swear to you, were going to start plotting my assassination any day now.

"Well, they are my sister's and she wants to sell them, see, but she knows that, well, you know, going to Gryffindor for help probably wasn't the smartest of plans, and so she, erm, asked me to go instead."

I swear to you, if she gripped those books any harder they would have split into two. It wasn't like I was going to attack her. _Even though_ her sister poured gravy on Sirius Black (which, okay, back then got a rather big laugh out of Alice, Marlene, and I and probably still would to this day) I wasn't going to take it out on this sweet girl.

Even if she did squeeze books to death.

"I've got them, don't worry. They've been kept safe. Do you want to meet me in the library later? So that you can get them?"

She nodded.

"Before dinner then," I said happily. She nodded and walked away, gripping those books even _tighter_.

Huh.

Maybe the library wasn't the best place to meet.

I went to get the cards a little before dinner, not wanting to have to rush to the library right before dinner. It just didn't seem like much fun. I mean, running and then eating. How about- oh, I've got it!- mellow-like walking and then a satisfying dinner.

Two birds, mates. Two birds.

The cards were right where I left them, Cliodna on top in all her glory.

Actually, she wasn't that glorious to be honest with you. She was kind of dusty from not being touched in so long as I didn't bother really checking up on them. And she looked kind of annoyed by that fact.

I guess I should have been glad that she wasn't a portrait so that she wouldn't yell at me or something like that.

How pathetic would that be? Getting scolded by a Chocolate Frog Card?

I flipped her over on my bureau and placed the others in my pocket.

You know, her sister _was _really annoying. And she probably wanted to sell them for some rubbish or another like "magical foundation" that makes your skin "positively radiate healthiness" and makes your aura all nice and everything.

Pfft.

I left Cliodna on my bureau (under a pile of books out of plain sight- I'm not stupid enough to let Alice or Marlene be in the same room with this card in visible site) and walked out of the dorm to the library to give the girl the rest.

* * *

"Evans!"

"Ow!" I turned around and saw Sam and Ellen standing behind me, Ellen holding up a folded version of Witch Weekly with which I'm assuming she used to thwack me in the back of the head with. "Oh. Hi guys." Sam grinned and waved cheerily.

"We've got to talk," Ellen said threateningly. She was giving me the stare. You know the stare. Everyone's had it used on them by some parent or teacher or something. The Stare. The one that makes your knees knock together because it's so deathly terrifying?

Don't lie. You know it's scary.

Alice and Marlene both looked up from their lunches at Ellen. You could tell that she reminded them of their Mums. Ellen just had that kind of effect when she wanted to.  
Timid and slightly afraid, I stood up and followed her out of the Great Hall and into the entrance way.

Sam stood next to me as Ellen paced back and forth in front of us. "It has been four days, Lily. And you haven't told them yet, have you?"

Oh.

Damnit.

"Well, no, but they know we're mates now, so that should count for something, yeah?"

Sam chuckled. "Everyone knows you're mates, Lils. You could probably owl my Aunt Erma and she'd tell you that you guys were friends. Actually, she'd probably say you fancied him, but that's just because my A-"

"You _told _him?" I shouted in the middle of Sam's sentence.

"-Aunt Erma is kind of senile and thinks that everyone fancies everyone- wait! You _do _fancy James? James, as in Potter? As in our _Quidditch Captain_ James?"

Oh for the love of Merlin.

"I _knew _it!" Sam said, dancing on the spot. He pointed accusingly at Ellen. "And you didn't tell me! I knew you weren't telling me something!"

Ellen grinned. "It was for your own good, Sam. And for the good of others. Good news makes you happy and when you're happy, you dance, which is dangerous to everyone within a giant's height around you."

"Har, har," Sam said, but he stopped doing his little jig anyway.

I grumbled and ran my hands through my hair (a habit, I'm sad to say, that I picked up from James).

"Great," I grumbled.

"The answer is simple, Lily," Ellen said happily, completely disregarding her Mad-At-Lily tone.

"Yeah, yeah."

"Tell them."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Right now."

"Yeah, yea- NO!"

"Yup. You're going. Right now. Even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming to them. Which will lead to strange questions and prolong the process, which, ultimately, will lead to me and Sam doing... something... annoying." She blinked twice before pointing to the doors. "Now _go_!"

Ellen seriously needed to work on her threats as they weren't very... threatening.  
But I wasn't about to tell her that, no sirree.

I was about to go "tell Alice and Marlene". But not really. Because, really, how was Ellen going to know if I did.

"And we'll stay close," Sam piped up. "So that you actually tell them. Instead of using random hand gestures and telling them about your socks, or some rubbish like that."

Sam, Sam, Sam. When did you turn against me, my James-annoying buddy?

I grumbled and stalked back off to the Great Hall.

True to their word, Sam and Ellen sat a mere three seats away from me. Three! You'd think they didn't trust me or something.

Hmph.

"What was that about?" Alice asked, an eyebrow arched. She turned to face me and Marlene's head popped up to the left of her, over the table.

"Yeah. You were just abducted by fifth years. Lily, I know you're not the strongest, but really, I think you could take them."

Behind me, I heard Sam let out a cough that sounded mysteriously like, oh, I don't know, "Fat chance," but I didn't elaborate or Ellen would have done... something... annoying.

"_Go_," Ellen hissed. I swear she mentally nudged me in the back. It was either Ellen had super telepathy powers or my stomach lurching at what I was about to do.

I'd put my money on Ellen's powers, though. Merlin only knows what else she can do.

Threatening the Head Girl.

Honestly.

"Guys," I said, trying to stare Alice in the eye.

Which, by the way, is extremely difficult to do when she is focusing on picking lint off of her skirt.

So I instead turned my attention to Marlene who was looking at me all concerned and what not. At least I had one remotely normal mate(used as loosely as possible, where the new definition should be: one who does _not _pick lint off of her skirt while her best mate is trying to reveal a huge secret and possibly have some sort of important emotional breakthrough).

After, I don't know, hearing the tone in my voice or something, Alice looked up and both she and Marlene went all concerned.

"What is it, Lily? Are you alright?" Alice asked.

I must admit, it's nice knowing you have best mates who can go from straight loons to as concerned as a Mum (AGAIN WITH THE MUMS!) in less than a second. So that was something.

"They didn't hex you or anything, did they?"

Ellen snorted behind me.

Why do they think that all Sam and Ellen want to do is hurt me?

You know, besides the fact that Ellen thwacked me with her stupid magazine this morning and had to almost use force to take me away.

But that, that isn't relevant at all.

I _pfft_ed. "No! No. It's..." I fidgeted and wrung my fingers together. Focus, Lily. This will only take a second. It's only three words!

In three words, your secret will be revealed, Alice and Marlene will know what's going on, and then life will be all merry!

Pfft. Right.

When you fancy James Potter, nothing in your life is merry.

Particularly your flip-flopping organs. Which, by the way, mine were going absolutely _mad _just then. Like they were doing gymnastics in the Olympics. And let me tell you, they were going for the gold.

"Lily! What is it?" Alice was so concerned! Her eyebrows were pulled together really tightly and she was wringing her hands together herself. Marlene had a death grip. Well, two actually. One was on the table and it looked like she was about to break a piece off. The other was on Alice's shoulder.

Right. Spit it out, Lily. Spit it out and the table will remain in tact, Alice will have all of her shoulder in perfectly-non-damaged condition, and here eyebrows will go back to the normal position on her forehead. Go.

Go, go, GO!

"IfancyJames!" I squeaked and my stomach jumped to my throat. This time I felt a real shove- not an Ellen telepathy shove- in my back.

"What?" Alice asked, sounding a bit less concerned now but her eyebrows only eased up a little. That was the good thing about Alice. She had extremely expressive eyebrows.

"What?" Marlene asked.

Lovely. Fan-bloody-tastic.

I had to say it again.

Still ringing my hands together, I took a deep breath and, a bit slower, said, "I think that I might possibly, maybe, sort of fancy James," in just barely more that a whisper but still loud enough that Ellen could hear (I know because she let out a happy exclamation of yelps).

Seriously, if the floor wasn't there, Alice and Marlene's jaws would have been down in the dungeons. That was how far they dropped.

"When you say _fancy_," Marlene began, trying to decipher this. Yeah, like I would put a hidden meaning in _that_. "When you say fancy, do you mean... fancy in the sense that... you want to _snog James_?"

I gulped and coughed at the same time.

"She _does_!"

Marlene waggled her eyebrows. "And you want to shag his brains out, don't you!"

Oh. My. Merlin.

I spun around and shook a fist at Ellen and Sam.

"See!" I said, throwing my arm out in a gesture to Alice and Marlene.

"But don't you feel so much better?" Ellen asked happily. "Merlin, it was my mates that got Sam and I together."

"Oh sweet Merlin," I said. Alice and Marlene were behind me cooing and giggling and all but jumping out of their bloody skirts with joy.

But I told them. And that was the point.

Merlin only knows what will happen now.

* * *

_A/n: Woohoo! Another chapter! Man, I'm so glad I got this posted today. I did it early, too, because I've got a stupid government essay I have to write, and an English story I have to read and a ton of math homework that I don't understand. Bah._

_But this, this was the highlight of my weekend! Hurray for that!_

_I wanted to give a big ol' thanks to all of you guys for reading and reviewing because it makes me happy when I have stuff in my inbox. Pathetico, I know, but I can't help it. Ish. XD. And an especially big ol' thanks to grayx3eyedsoul because her comment about The Nile cracked me up._

_Much love and some awesome ice cream, or if you don't like ice cream, a sweet of your choice,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	14. Madness, Madness, and More Madness

**I'm In A Mad World with Mad Mates Who Probably Think I'm Rubbish**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

Unsurprisingly, Alice and Marlene have driven me absolutely mad since the whole telling them about James thing. Seriously. Absolutely mad. Madder than usual, even.

Believe me, I didn't even know that was possible.

But it's a good mad anyway because they didn't freak out. Well, freak out in a bad way, that is. They're still jumping around and hooting with joy. But that's what's good. They're not jumping and hooting with revulsion, which was the least I could ask for.

But, of course, being my best mates, they've taken to getting a wee bit too excited over the whole ordeal.

Seriously.

In Charms the other day Alice pegged me with a hurriedly folded piece of parchment that said what I can only interpret as Alice's squeals of joy written in words.

It was a bunch of E's mostly. A few K's. A coupe Q's. Alice-speak for _You fancy James, you big dope!_ in the most lovable way she could phrase it of course. And, okay, maybe the dope part wasn't in there. She thinks it's absolutely wonderful that I've "finally accepted who I really am and realized that James Potter is the best thing that could ever happen" to me. Except for her and Marlene, of course.

However, what's even more pathetic- because yes, you can get worse than dear, sweet, mad Alice- was... well... the pathetic thing was that it wasn't me who was doodling Mrs. James Potter, because I wouldn't even think of doing that. Ever. In a million years. It was Marlene.

For me.

On my homework.

"Marlene!" I shouted the first time I picked up my Arithmacy and found her doodles on it. "What do you think you're doing?" I asked, waving my nearly completed- and extremely difficult- homework at her.

And do you know what she did?

Of course not, because I haven't told you yet.

But you won't believe it. You really won't. You wouldn't think that even Marlene would be that mad as to do what she did.

She looked up at me, all innocent and everything, and said, "Why, Lily, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Alice sniggered beside me so I shot her a death look. I saw her doodling! And she denies it!

Pfft.

Marlene grinned. I bet she was crossing her fingers.

I groaned and rewrote my homework and tossed the other one in the fire. Because imagine what would happen if someone found that. I'd be dead. Absolutely, totally and completely, dead. And buried. Six feet under with a rock at my head.

Deader than the bugs on my shoes.

More dead than Sirius Black was for that stupid Aggley dinner he pulled on me. But thankfully I didn't have to do anything about that because James got to him first.

And, actually, I saw Aggley the other day. He didn't look quite to happy with me. His nose was even a little off-centered even. Which, you know, made my heart swell like a bee sting. He glared at me! Glared! I wasn't the one who broke his nose! It's not my fault that James Potter finds that he needs to beat up blokes who are great big prats just for me. It's not like he didn't get Sirius, too. He just got him in the eye.

Sirius would have had a hippogriff if James broke his nose.

But that's not even all. No, of course not. I was just going to give him a funny look and walk to Arithmacy (with my newly copied homework, but I couldn't stop Marlene from writing one Mrs. Potter on it, unfortunately, which I promptly scribbled out and clonked her on the head with my book). Just look and walk. Simple. Easy. No words to exchange. Maybe stare a second too long at his nose to make him uncomfortable- because the basic rules of niceness and living and such do not apply to Aggley, as in it's okay to be a prat to him because he was an uber prat first, yeah?

But no. Nope.

Because I swear on my Great Aunt Ethel's grave that Dylan Aggley exists for the sole reason of making my life absolutely miserable. Even more than James did back before his head shrunk and he became decent.

"Did you see what you're little boyfriend did?" he asked, quite rudely for a Hufflepuff if I do say so myself. You'd think he'd have been in Slytherin. Merlin only knows why he's not. Maybe he's got a soft spot for nifflers. Or bunnies or something.

I raised an eyebrow and nearly had to stomp on Alice from giggling and twittering on some comment that, quite frankly, I didn't want people to hear.

I couldn't say anything though because I was still surprised that he didn't follow my stare and walk plan. It was fool-proof really. For the unfoolish. Though I 'spose that Aggley is one big great fool, so of course my plan wouldn't work on him. Of course he'd mess it up.

Of course.

I wanted to ignore him and walk away like the bigger person, I really did. But Alice was giggling and students were looking and even though I'm Head Girl, I couldn't help but shoot back, "Yeah, and it's an improvement if you ask me. Crooked nose, crooked heart."

Which, okay, now that I think about it sounds completely ridiculous and lame but I was rather proud of myself afterwards. Alice even complimented me, and then proceeded to tell me that I never denied that dearest James was my boyfriend.

Alice, James, Remus, and I are all sitting in the Common Room now, working on stupid Herbology (a subject that I never thought would ever get difficult, and yet here it is. Go bloody figure). Marlene is over in the corner with Sirius and Peter having a heated discussion over the new chocolate frog cards ("But the gold along the edges makes them look tacky!" "Nonsense, it builds character!" "They look like they came from the rubbish bin and got covered in old noodles!" "You're ridiculous!" "You're ridiculous!") and it's making me worried that they're going to ask about my special card- the one I kept because of Sirius's slaggish ex girlfriend.

Yeah.

But I was preoccupied being worried about Herbology.

So between bleeding hard Herbology, the Chocolate Card dilemma, and the fact that I could smell James he was so close to me, yeah I was having a dandy time. So it really was no wonder that he asked me a million and a half times if I was alright.

"Are you sure?" he asked for at least the seventh time, glaring down at my jittering foot which had been doing so for a good ten minutes.

"Really. Fine. No problem at all."

Marlene and Alice exchanged looks, but thankfully not the ones I'm used to- their evil I've-got-a-secret-plan-that-I'm-not-going-to-tell-you-until-you-absolutely-must-agree-with-it ones. It was concerned, too. It's nice to know they look out for me. Even if they are completely off their rockers.

And, you know, the whole James caring whether I was alright was quite nice as well.

I'm just saying.

He rolled his eyes. "Well, you don't seem okay. Should I cancel the Heads meeting tonight? It's not too late. I can make Sam and Ellen spread the word, they're good at being loud like that." He grinned at me and I did my best to chuckle some. But to be honest I felt kind of sick.

Must be all this stress. Good smelling boys, bleeding Herbology, Chocolate Frog Cards- I don't even know what I'm going to do with it- and now, because I completely forgot, Heads duties tonight.

I groaned. "I'm on it." I tried my best to smile, and I'm almost positive it actually came out as one. I was just really tense. Too much stuff for me to try and take in all at once. I mean, that's like four things. And some things just cannot be multitasked.

James put down his quill and looked at me. I couldn't help but notice that his hair was extra messy- in a nice way- because he was running his hands through it so much more from being confused from this stupid Herbology (seriously, it's that hard! Not one of us can get it).

"You're not going to go about and attack the prefects are you? Because, as much as I fully support you attacking the Slytherins, it probably wouldn't be such a great idea. As you're Head Girl and all. And it's not really quite the best example to bestow upon them. You know?"

"The little prats deserve it," I mumbled but I didn't think he heard me.

Giving me a stern look, Alice said, "Lily's just a bit mad right now. Right Marlene?"

Marlene waved her hand at us from across the room as to make sure we wouldn't distract her from this great debate.

"Isn't she always mad?" James asked a little smugly. I glared at him, which, of course, just made him grin more. "You waltzed right into that one."

"I didn't waltz. Alice dragged me in on a rope." But I couldn't say that without a small smile. A real smile. A real, small, almost completely mad-free smile.

So we sat there working on the Herbology for another hour (finally Frank Longbottom came along and took pity on us and helped us out of this mess because this boy finished his homework ages ago) and then James and I had to leave to go to the Heads meeting. After raging on him for being late that first day on the train, he's become more punctual than me. So we had to be there twenty minutes early, just in case "some prefects decide they want to get a head start on the meeting."

I told him he finally got kicked by responsibility and he doesn't want them to reek havoc if we're not there.

Either way, it was nice being away from my (completed) Herbology and the Chocolate Frog debate. Now all I had to worry about was Head Duties, which, to be honest, aren't that difficult. Due to this responsibility kick, James has taken it upon himself to be very organizational and pretty much outlines the whole thing. So he talks. I sleep. And make sure the little prats aren't throwing spit wads at each other or anything. Because they have. And sometimes they miss and hit James or I in the eye, and then wands come out, havoc is reeked, and hair is singed.

Overall, not a fun place to be.

But I got to sleep while James did the work and quite frankly, I think that's exactly what I needed.

He asked me if I was alright about fifty more times in the time it took to get from the Common Room to the meeting room, smack in the center of the castle. Quite convenient.

Once I "accidentally" kicked him in the shin, he dropped the subject.

"So that Herbology was a real pain in the arse, don't you think?" he asked as we went down a flight of stairs.

I nodded eagerly, thankful to have something to vent about, even if it was only a fraction of why I was still going absolutely mad. And not in the best of ways, either.

"Thank Merlin Frank came over. If he didn't, we'd probably still be in there. Probably until we were old and gray." I nodded and let my normal mad self continue. "It's just absolutely ridiculous! What's the point of breaking apart the plants, only to replant them with other plants, to see if they get a mutation? I don't understand! I mean, it takes so much more effort to pull them apart and then replant them! No one in their right mind would want to do that for a reaction! So why do we have to know how?" I took a breath. "Thank Merlin for Frank."

James grinned.

"What?" I asked, surprised that I felt loads better for ranting merely about my Herbology homework. Sometimes I guess that's all it takes.

"Nothing," he replied in a tone that obviously meant more than nothing.

"Potter," I warned.

"Evans." And he grinned. The prat used my surname and grinned!

"What? What was that grin for? Herbology can't be grin-worthy. You're mad. What were you... come on!" I whined. I was getting to that stage- you know the one I'm talking about. The stage where you're stressed, but once one little thing is better, it's like this big wave of relief that makes you unbelievably happy for odd amounts of time. Kind of like a natural high.

He kept grinning. "I just wouldn't say 'Thank Merlin for Frank,'" he simply stated and put his hands in his pockets only to casually stroll a bit ahead of me.

I wanted to kick him again.

"What? Was it Sirius in a Frank costume, then? Never knew Sirius was that good at Herbology."

"Nope."

I groaned.

"How about thank Merlin for Alice?" he asked, not looking back or slowing his pace. He didn't even say anything after. He just kept on strolling ahead, and I bet if he thought of it, he would have been whistling.

"What do you mean 'Alice'?" I asked, jogging to keep up with him. "Alice didn't know Herbology from dragon dung-" see, at that point I didn't catch that a lot of the stuff we work with is planted in dragon dung sometimes... and ew- "so how can it be thank Merlin for Alice?" He ignored me. "James? James!"

But I couldn't get it out of him. He just strolled right into the room where the sixth year Gryffindors were already waiting. Punctuality must have been a house thing. He ignored me as he set up around the room, even though he didn't really have anything to set up. He just went about, rearranging pillows and cushions and completely ignoring me.

Even when I chucked one at his head.

He answered the sixth years when they asked what he was doing. But then again, it was a quick little, "Feng Shui," comment, so I'm not sure that it really counted.

I continued following him around until almost all of the prefects were here. Finally, he turned and looked at me. "Who are we missing?" he asked, staring me straight in the eye, which of course made me not really be able to think straight so I blurted out, "Sixth year Hufflepuffs," only to fully come back to my senses when he grimaced.

Right.

Damnit.

That would be awkward.

That would be extremely awkward.

"Besides them," he continued casually as he plucked up a pillow to fluff (why? I couldn't tell you. That's just James Potter for you). "Anyone else?"

I gave him a peculiar look including an eyebrow raise and a nose crinkle, but did a quick head count. "No, I think that's everyone."

He looked at his watch and stared patiently at the door. "You'd think Hufflepuffs would be more punctual," he commented, still completely casual despite the fact that we were waiting for Dylan Aggley, the same bloke whose nose he broke, the same bloke that his best mate thought it would be clever for me to have dinner with. Yes, this whole casual James thing was much too suspicious. Especially since I was having a fit trying to remain calm and trying not to usher everyone out of the room so that I could get a good whack at him.

The other prefects started talking amongst each other. I started wringing my fingers together to see if it would calm my obnoxiously energetic nerves.

Why, oh why was the world stressing me out so much today. It was driving me absolutely mad. Being within close proximity to James for unknowable amounts of time, waiting for bleeding Dylan Aggley, trying to control my flip-flopping stomach and out of control nerves, and hoping no one remembers about the Chocolate Frog Cards really is just not healthy. I need aroma therapy.

Mmm, yes. That's what I need.

Aroma therapy, some nice Honeydukes chocolate- not Chocolate Frogs- and a big cup of hot cocoa.

Excellence.

"'Bout time you showed, Aggley," James said at the opening of a door, snapping me out of my happy place. Which was really quite rude as it was very calm there and I was happy.

There was none of this nonsense to distract me.

"Yes, well, some of us can't come to your aid at the drop of a hat, Potter," Aggley spat. Sheesh. James only broke his nose- and for a mighty good reason I should add. It isn't as if he did it out of a mere whimsical moment.

Though I wouldn't put it past him. At least Old James. New James might not.

James cocked an eyebrow. "This meeting has been planned for five days."

Aggley just glared and took the hand of the other prefect to take his seat with the fifth year Hufflepuffs.

Poor girl doesn't know what she's getting herself into.

Merlin, I'm such a rotten Head Girl. I let James do all the talking while I sat there playing with a piece of lint on the couch, which gave me strong deja vu of the first Head's Meeting we had, only this time I was much more grateful to let him take over. Then, I was fuming as he thought he would take control and be Mister Super Head Boy while I sat there like his little sidekick.

Did you know that I don't mind being a sidekick? Not one bit.

It's quite relaxing, to be honest with you.

I mean, it's no aroma therapy, chocolate, and a big cup of cocoa, but, you know, it's something. And something is nice.

Not to mention, I could daydream like a little twit the entire time.

Only, I wasn't daydreaming about unicorns and candy floss clouds. I must be mad. I was daydreaming about James Potter and how kind it was of him to take over the Head's meeting because obviously he saw that I needed a break, even if I wouldn't admit it to anyone but my mad little mind. Obviously he understands my mad little mind, which is good seeing as I don't understand it half the time.

He really is a nice bloke to fancy, even if he is a bit mad himself.

Or, well, I guess more than a bit mad. But I found that I'm okay with that.

But it's quite odd, this whole fancying James Potter thing. I mean, it's strange. The only thing I felt for him for more than six years was hate and the desire to yell at him, except now, like Alice and Marlene said, I just want to snog him senseless.

I can't decide if that's good or bad.

It's nice though. I mean, he can take my random outbursts of madness and such. It isn't as if he isn't used to it. He's had to deal with me for almost seven years. He's witnessed my madness nearly as much as Alice and Marlene, particularly enough this year.

I must have been daydreaming pretty intensely because it took five random flying pieces of parchment to pull me out of my dream state, thanks to Ellen and Sam who were sitting across from me, ripping the parchment off of the corner of the sheet James gave all the prefects of the new schedule and very casually, almost unnoticeably, flicking it at me until I came back to the real world.

"Lily? You in there? Lily?" At least they had good reason to. James must have been calling me for ages if the amused expression on his face and the other prefects giggling was anything to base my assumption off of.

"Yes? Er... what? Sorry," I replied sheepishly. I stood up and brushed off my skirt from the lint I was playing with and the stupid little parchment balls that fell into my lap.

"Just wanted to make sure you didn't have anything to add," he explained. His hands were behind his back and he was rocking on his heels. He would have looked professional or important, like the Minister of Magic or something (who stands like that quite often), if it hadn't been for the mocking grin on his face that I knew was directed at me for he knew that I didn't have anything to add and that I was just sitting there daydreaming and being grateful that he had taken his turn of responsibility this year so that I could, you know, not do anything.

The prat.

"Nope, nothing. Not a thing." La la la, I pulled that off rather suavely, don't you think?

James shrugged, oozing nonchalance despite the fact that Aggley was within punching difference, the Head Girl was obviously a head case, and he had to be the responsible one. Again.

Maybe, once this year is over and everything and all of us are going our separate ways away from each other in the world, I'll treat James to a nice dose of aroma therapy. You know, for picking up my slack and all. Yes, that's exactly what I'll do. It'll be a nice thanks-for-picking-up-the-slack-when-I-was,-you-know,-not-so-here's-a-nice-aroma-therapy-session gift. Yeah?

Yeah.

He dismissed the group, who immediately went about talking of how they're going to switch patrols even though we let them pick their own- bleeding kids don't make sense anymore- and slowly made their way out the door.

James ambled over to me and my stomach started going mad again. I tried to concentrate on the benefits of aroma therapy once I got it but I couldn't because I could sort of smell James, and, well, his aroma wasn't too good for my therapy.

Hmph.

* * *

Oh. My. MERLIN!

Sometimes I wonder how I am so blind, and unobservant, and self-centered, and completely UNAWARE of the things around me. I really am a horrible mate and it has just been proven. I'm a nasty, rotten, horrible mate who shouldn't even be considered a mate because of how unaware I am of the things my mates (or I guess ex-mates because they can't possibly still like me) do.

I really truly am a rotten mate. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Alice and Marlene, my ex-mates because they obviously hate me because I am so completely blind, tied me up in my sleep and threw me into the Black Lake tonight.

I wouldn't be surprised one bit.

I don't even understand how I didn't bleeding notice! It was so obvious!

Even James noticed before I did! And they're not even matey, mates. They're just mates because we're mates, even though I fancy the pants off of him and he doesn't know it.

But James noticed! And I bet everyone else did, too.

But not me. Because I'm too self-absorbed and concerned about my own petty problems to notice everything that's been going on with my (ex-) mates.

I better put on a life preserver tonight. Even though I deserve to die because I'm such a rotten, rotten mate.

* * *

_A/n: So fanfiction is a lot more fun to write than an essay for English. Seriously. I could have been trying to write a proper paragraph (okay, a paragraph, not an actually essay shhh) instead of doing this, and, well, this was just much more fun. Obviously. When is fanfiction _not _more fun than essays (paragraphs! Whatever!)._

_The only downside about fanfiction is that I start talking like it. Like calling people mad and everything and then everyone thinks I'm insane and it's chaotic and such. Yeah. Oh, and then there's the whole not writing the essay/paragraph thing. Which I should really get to._

_So sorry for the lack of updates (and forgetting to ridiculously change the date on my profile page thing so it seems like I haven't updated since August and now I feel like an idiot). School actually hasn't been that bad, but I haven't been home as much so that kind of sucks rocks._

_I will definitely try to update sooner. I'll have more time off soon, I swear, guys._

_Much love and good music,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	15. Mistaken Ideas and the Prude Strikes Aga

**Mistaken Ideas and the Prude Strikes Again**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

By the time I got back to the dorm that night, both Alice and Marlene were asleep, much earlier than normal, go figure. The_ one time _I needed to apologize my arse off, they were not awake for me to do so. I could hear their steady breathing from behind their respective closed curtains and I hopefully glanced at Mary McDonald who was sitting on her own bed, wide awake, and reading a borrowed novel from Alice.

"What are they doing asleep?" I demanded quietly. I walked over to Marlene's bed and peeked through the curtains. She was curled up, facing the opposite direction, and covered in blankets with a book lying open at her head.

"They were out about fifteen minutes ago, after much complaining about Transfiguration. Which I had to agree with, because can you _believe _McGonagall assigned us that four foot essay? And its due Friday? Completely ridiculous." She sighed.

I shook my head and grabbed my pajamas on my way to the bathroom. Mary went back to her book as I changed and brushed my teeth. My stomach was tying itself in knots. I tried to ease the big ball of guilt that was forming, and I knew that would last until I got my bloody apology done and over with, to no avail.

Of course they would be asleep. It was nine thirty for Merlin's sake. Normal people _always _go to bed at nine thirty.

Pfft. Right. My mates just love adding to my mad factor.

Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep that night. I rolled over more times than I could count, and the sleep that I _did _get was about fifteen minutes long, if that, at half hour intervals. Not exactly my idea of a particularly nice night of sleep. Every time I almost stopped feeling like a joke of a best mate, the fact that I was completely blind smacked me in the face and my stomach clenched.

It wasn't all that pleasant, no matter what you think. This wasn't the same stomach clenching that happened when I see and/or talk to and/or sense James. This was the clenching of a completely rubbish best mate who seriously needed to apologize before her mates tossed her out of the tremendously high window and laughed mercilessly as she plummeted to her untimely, but completely comprehensible, death. This clenching was much less comfortable and less preferable, therefore making sleep all the worse.

But I was a completely rotten mate, because I didn't notice that Alice fancied Frank. Thick. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, bloody _stupid_. It was _so obvious_, too. Even _James _noticed before I did.

James bloody Potter.

Due to my much lack of sleep, it was pretty easy for me to get up the next morning. Well, okay, not _easy _per say, but it didn't take three buckets of water, bribery of chocolate, and thirteen death threats, so that's always good, in an even-though-my-best-mates-are-going-to-hate-me-I-still-managed-to-get-up-early kind of way.

But I was too anxious to wait for them to get up, and too much of a chicken to face them, so I showered faster than I've ever showered before, got dressed, threw my sopping wet hair up in a hair tie, and put my shoes on as I was going down the girls stairwell.

What? A coward? Me? Surely you jest.

"Potter!" I marched right up to James once I reached the Great Hall, grateful for someone to talk to and also an excuse to keep up the procrastination my horrible matey-ness. Not to mention I could subtly figure out how in the name of all that is magical James knew before I did. But I wasn't quite ready to admit that James was a better mate to Alice and Marlene than I was, seeing as how James is a great big prat sometimes, and I've known them for over six years now, so why should James be the one to notice new things while I'm left in my completely oblivious and ignorant dust? It just wasn't fair, it really wasn't. I was manipulated by the powers of persuasion to change myself, thus completely ignoring the changes in my mates' lives.

See? Completely unfair.

"Morning, Evans," he said cheerfully. He was sitting by himself with the newspaper laid out in front of him, opened to the Quidditch section, of course. He looked down at his watch and then back up at me. "Isn't it a bit early to be fuming already? It's hardly eight. Sit down and have some tea. Make your face go back to its natural lovely color."

"Tea?" I scoffed. However, I sat down nonetheless so the scoffing was rather unnecessary. _Tea_? How can I have _tea _when I'm such a horrible rotten mate and he was not? Was he completely mad? I'll bet _he _never not noticed when Sirius had taken up a fancy, and that's _every bleeding day_.

"Well, yes. Mum used to make me and my dad drink tea every morning. It is a rather breakfast-esque drink, after all. Or, at least, that's how it is in my house. But I guess if you're not _used _to drinking tea this early then that would explain your exclamation, but really, Evans, tea is great in the morning. Just ask-"

"James!" I groaned, leaning forward. I put my elbows on the table and rested my head on my hands, the universal symbol of if-you-don't-shut-your-mouth-I'm-going-to-throw-this-scalding-tea-on-you.

"You all right, Lily?" he asked, all traces of joking completely wiped off of his face and replaced by concern. Of course. _He _could stop thinking about himself for one bloody minute about what was wrong with me- and in an instant, no less- and I couldn't even find the time to become even acutely aware of my _best mates _fancies.

"Oh yes. I'm perfectly fine. Being a shit mate has a way of doing that to you. It's like I'm floating on a bloody cloud," I grumbled. I lifted my head up off of my hands and hoped the fact that he was a better mate to my mates wasn't completely obvious.

I've always been bad at hiding things like that.

Except, I hoped he'd noticed. I wanted him to ask what was wrong, so that I could tell him my sob story, and he would tell me that I wasn't a rubbish mate, that I was an admirable mate, and that I had just been busy lately and was lucky I noticed Alice's fancy at all. But, of course, I didn't want to admit that, though I'm sure my tone of voice gave it away.

"Why are you a shit mate?" he asked with a mocking grin. He poured me a cup of tea and pushed it in my direction. "Completely mad, yes. You're a completely mad mate, but I have yet to see signs of a shit one."

"_You _should know," I grumbled, still wanting to put off telling him, but wanting to tell him at the same time. It really is a drag wanting and not wanting to tell someone something, much less manipulating them into wanting to listen. But that's the thing about James. I didn't have to manipulate him into listening. He had this look on his face that I bore no hint of annoyance or boredom.

So, yeah, that was kind of nice.

"Don't play this game, Lily." He grinned. "Something's wrong with you because you're a shit mate and you clearly want to tell someone what happened. Well, I'm here, I'm listening, and I want to know what in the name of Merlin you did to get your knickers in such a knot."

How could he be so _blunt_?

Here I am, about ready to elucidate on my latest tragedy and he's going about being _blunt_ like that. How does he know, anyway, that I want someone to know? I mean, _I _know I am bursting to tell someone- and not just anyone, either. Him, because, like he stated, I'm a complete and utter madwoman- and _you _know that I'm itching to harp on about why I'm a rubbish mate, but he is neither me nor you, so _how the hell does he know_?

Sometimes I'm curious about James Potter's ability to read minds. I really hope he can't and that he just has really good intuition, because, come on, how awkward would that be?

Especially when I'm considering the fact that he can read minds.

Oi, this is giving me a headache.

"I-er, well.. pfft." Yeah. That'll show him.

He rolled his eyes. "You know, by not telling anyone, you're not helping your 'shit mate' status. Maybe I can _help_ if you'd just tell me _why _it is you think you're a shit mate." He grinned smugly at his apparently good idea. There must be something wrong with me, wanting to give in like that. I must have some type of disease. Blabbophia. Manipulatablonia. Madness.

"Fine, O Wise One." I fidgeted with the hem of my sleeve for a moment, reminding myself that I wanted to tell him, that I could, because he could help me and because I'm completely mad. Maybe it's just an overwhelming urge to tell someone who you fancy useless junk that could potentially turn them away from you.

Like the fact that I'm a shit mate. That doesn't seem all appealing at all, but there I was, blabbering on about it to James Potter.

"I didn't…" I sighed. "I didn't notice that Alice fancied Frank." James gasped a mock gasp of horror and I made a motion to fling my untouched and probably still scalding tea at him. For some reason I don't think that he's going to get out of this little breakfast without some serious third degree tea burns. Shame. "But you did."

He blinked once, twice, three times. "What?" he asked probably surprised that somehow he was involved in my little turmoil. "Me? What?"

"_You're _the one that tipped me off," I admitted, finally starting to spill my ocean of a rotten mate story. He looked even more confused as I went on, and generally James was the clever one. I deepened my voice and flung my hands up in the air. Doing my best to imitate the Head Boy, I said, "'How about thank Merlin for Alice?' Huh? Yeah! _You_ said that! And _then, _obnoxiously, ages later, I realized how much of a shit mate I really am and that _she fancied Frank!_"

And do you know what he did? He _laughed_. Loudly. James Potter up and laughed at me after letting my ocean spill.

That did _not _make me feel like any better of a mate.

"I never said that Alice fancied Frank," James responded casually after his laughter died down and the few second years that were looking our way averted their gazes.

"But you _implied _it," I countered.

"Not really." He shrugged.

Erm, yes really.

"You did so!"

He shook his head, a wide grin now spreading across his face. "If anything, I implied that Frank fancied Alice. Not the other way around." My jaw dropped, but my feeling of being a rubbish mate ceased slightly. "Though I wouldn't be all that surprised if they were shacking up by Christmas." He chuckled a bit. I hit him rather hard in the arm. "Oi! Ow, Evans! When'd you learn to hit like that? Merlin!"

"That's my mate you're talking about! Just because _your _mates gravitate towards slags doesn't pertain to everyone else, Potter."

James was rubbing his arm and looking at me like I was- you guessed it- completely mad. And, okay, maybe I was overreacting a _little_. Maybe I didn't _have _to hit him. But they're _my _mates. And only I can call them slags (but I don't want to because _that _definitely won't help me any).

"I was _joking_," he claimed, rubbing his hurt arm. "Merlin, Finley better be able to fill in for me at practice today. I'll be lucky if I can play in the first match. My _fingers _are going _numb_." I stared at him dumbly, my mind barely processing the fact that I had just injured the Gryffindor team's captain and keeper. "Kidding, Lily."

Sweet Merlin, how have Remus, Sirius, and Peter not died from heart attacks from being mates with this complete loon all these years?

"Alice!" I screeched, running into the dorm room to find my two lovely best mates sprawled out on their respective beds, not bothering to get ready for class yet. Alice was reading some magazine and Marlene was preoccupied scribbling something on a piece of parchment while sucking on- and then nearly choking on in surprise of my arrival- her quill.

Alice nearly toppled off of her bed in surprise when I ran over and jumped on top of her.

"What?" she asked completely bewildered.

"What do you _mean _'what'? Aren't you _furious _with me?" I asked as I practically strangled her in a great big hug.

"What for?"

"What _for_? I'm so sorry I've bee such a rotten mate!" I exclaimed. "A rotten, rotten, horrible mate!" I hugged her tightly again, probably blocking off her air passages thus almost killing her, double thus making me an even more horrible mate than before. "A horrible mate who should be hung out of the window by her toes. I'll fully understand if you want to do that. In fact, I'll go get the rope for you, if you'd like, that is." Because, even if Alice _doesn't _fancy Frank, and in fact it's the other way around, she still could fancy _someone _and I could be missing it.

Therefore, I'm still a rotten mate, and if anything even more so than before because I don't even _know _who this bloke is.

"What the hell is she going on about?" Marlene asked, her eyebrows raised in my direction. "That isn't very mellow, you know."

"Sod it! Being mellow! Sod it all!" I shouted. I grasped Alice once more and continued hugging her, albeit not as tightly because a dead (ex-?) best mate isn't a very good one, now is it? "I give up on being mellow! It's been getting me so distracted! I mightn't have realized! I'm sorry! I'm rotten and I'm horrible and I bet you want to have me kicked out of the dorms now, don't you?" Alice and Marlene, unbeknownst to me at the time, exchanged a confused look.

Alice pushed me away and tossed her magazine to the side of her bed. I'd crinkled the front page.

Great. Just bloody fantastic. First I was _blind_ and now I'm a bleeding magazine crumpler?

I'm going to hell. I'm going to hell and there's nothing I can do to stop it because that's what rotten best mates do. They go to hell and live with all the other rotten best mates in hellish places.

But I'll deserve it because there was a chance I'm not observant because I'm a rotten, uncaring, horrible mate! If anything, I should have noticed Frank's reoccurring presence. He had been coming over to us loads more, and paying so much more attention to Alice than the rest of us. He even sat closer to her on the couch. And it's not like _she _tried to stop him. Of course _now _all of this makes sense. Particularly the part about helping us with Herbology because we're all ridiculously stupid.

I'm such a rotten mate that even _James _realized this before I did. James Potter!

I mean, sure, I've been a bit preoccupied trying to- damnit all, what was even the

purpose of trying to mellow me out? There wasn't one, was there? Well, I mean, of course there _was_ but it obviously wasn't even that important if I couldn't remember specifics.

Sod all of that! Sod being mellow, and being charming, and being suave, and all of that ridiculous malarkey. Sod it all to hell with the rotten best mates!

Obviously I can't _handle _that. Obviously it makes me miss out on important milestones in my best mates' lives, like the potential _fancying of Frank Longbottom _for example. Obviously it's just better for me to be Lily.

Lily. The ridiculously mad, unbelievably repugnant (some days), and completely clumsy Head Girl. Because that's just what I am.

Obviously there's no hope for me.

I am what I am and that's all that I am.

And not even my best makes can change that. They've tried. They've failed. And in the midst of that, I might've missed out on completely important parts of their lives. Merlin only knows what happened to _Marlene_ while I've been in my own selfish world of Lily.

She could be a mother of fourteen for all I know.

Sweet Merlin, she's become more punctual with her assignments since I've last noticed. She was the one who'd finished her Herbology before us all (though completely ignored our pleas of help).

Marlene has stopped procrastinating and I wasn't there to _witness it?_

I felt like a mother who missed her child's first step!

I jumped away from strangling Alice and darted over to Marlene's bed, considerately shoving her stuff aside and strangling her in hugs as well.

Marlene tried pushing me away and looked at me like I was complete nutter, which, okay, I guess at that point, I might have seemed like I was one, but I was just trying to be a good mate.

"_Lily! _What is going on with you?" Alice questioned. She slowly got up from her bed and took a rather long and unnecessary route to where I was perched on Marlene's bed, practically strangling her to death.

"I am _so _unbelievably sorry," I pleaded. "I really am. I've been a shit mate recently and I don't even know how that happened. You really do have all rights to hang me out the window. I swear. I wouldn't mind it one bit. Okay, I might a bit, but I won't fight it. Because, really, you both have full rights to do so."

"I'm going to ask you this _one more time_," Marlene said slowly, loosening my death grip and looking me in the eye. "What the bloody hell are you going on about? Have you mixed up with those third years who thought it would be funny to snuff the Floo Powder? Because if you did, Alice and I are going to have to take you to the Hospital Wing, and you don't want to see Madame Pomfrey, do you? We sure as hell don't. And if you make us take you now, we're going to injure you and then you're going to have to go _again_, and it will just be one big circle of Madame Pomfrey."

Gross.

"What are you on about? Of course I haven't been snuffing the Floo Powder. What do you think I am? A lunatic?"

They exchanged nervous glances that practically shouted 'We really shouldn't tell her what we obviously really think, right? Right.'

Right. Of course they wouldn't answer that. Obviously they weren't getting what I was trying to say, so I tried to calmly and rationally tell them what the hell I was going on about.

"Alice, you might possibly fancy Frank and I didn't notice because I'm a rubbish mate so I'm _so_, so very sorry. And that is why you have full rights to toss me out the window. Don't even bother with the hanging. Tossing will be much more effective." Alice's eyes nearly bulged out of her head. Apparently she didn't think I could be, you know, rational when I was going on like a raving lunatic.

I turned back to Marlene, ignoring Alice's spluttering behind me. "And Marlene, you've become much more punctual with your school work, and, _thankfully _you're not the mother of fourteen- or at least I hope you're not, even remotely close to being one anyway. I'm very sorry I didn't notice this change in your attitude towards school, and I think it's great that you, erm, care… more about it? And such. Yes."

Alice snorted. Marlene gaped at me like a confused fish.

"What?" I asked both of them.

"Punctual with her school work?" Alice asked. "Marlene? You're mad, right? You're joking?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, thoroughly confused and scared that I had been spending so much time concerned about me that I hadn't picked up on Alice and Marlene's new method of communication.

"One time deal," Marlene confirmed with a sly nod which was more than enough information.

Lovely.

I pointed at Alice accusingly. "But that doesn't change the fact that you may or may not fancy _Frank Longbottom _and that I was too thick to notice! _And _that you didn't tell me when I was being fully ignorant of the entire situation!"

"Frank Longbottom?" Alice questioned as she brought her hand up to rest on her face in thought, all traces of her believing that I was acting like a complete madwoman gone from her expression. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

"I haven't really thought about it," she admitted. "He has been with us more, though, lately, hasn't he?"

"How did you catch on, Lil?" Marlene asked with a sly grin. "I didn't think you'd have time in the midst of you being a shit mate and all."

I chucked a lone sock from the floor at her.

"Do you really think he fancies me?" Alice asked now contemplative. "I mean, I've never really thought of him as a potential, er, boy-mate-friend _thing_. He's always been just Frank."

Marlene nudged her in the shoulder, taking a detour over to Alice's bed on her way to her own trunk- okay, it was a rather _long _detour- in order to do so. "Come on," Marlene said with a huge eyebrow waggling gesture. "You can't deny the fact that you've dreamt of shagging him." Marlene winked hugely.

Alice laughed, we were all used to Marlene's raunchy comments by now. She's been going at it since third year after the whole snogging Mark Finley ordeal. Ever since then, Marlene has no sense of inappropriate. Actually, it's quite funny sometimes.

"_What _is with all this talk about Alice losing her virtue?" I shouted out, realizing too late what I'd done.

"What?" Alice asked with a snort. "Is my virtue a common topic of conversation?"

"Alice, I love you dearly, but you're going to keep your virtue and all that is entailed unless you're absolutely sure Frank is fit enough to be your, er, bloke," I decided for her.

Though they apparently didn't see it at that way as they both burst into fits of laughter and unattractive snorts.

"She must have been dropped when she was a child," Marlene commented.

"On her head."

"From towering distances."

"Whatever you say, goody prude shoes," Alice said with a nod and a wink. She started to gather her uniform.

Goody prude shoes?

Sweet Merlin, please tell me we're not starting _that _again.

_

* * *

A/n: Over a month? Argh, so sorry, lovely readers. I don't even know what happened. I started it right away and then… well, obviously I just failed miserably. I'm a shit updater, if you couldn't tell. I blame this whole 'college' thing. These applications are absolutely _killing _me. And I haven't even started really (because I'm a gigantic procrastinator). Hopefully once I get them all in, I'll be better. That's the plan anyway._

_This was kind of dull, plot wise, and I'm sorry about that. Don't worry, more to come, hopefully soon. I need to relax my brain. If only colleges were based on how many fanfics you've written and read… Life would be so much easier, no? We'd all be able to get into Harvard. XD_

_Much love, tons of Halloween candy, and the Marauder of your choice,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	16. Me? Temperamental? Excuse Me?

**Me? Temperamental? Excuse Me?**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

Maybe telling Alice that Frank fancies her and that she might possibly fancy him back (at least in my mad little world, which we all know isn't all that reliable) wasn't the best of ideas. She's been going on about him for days. In fact, our last bit of September- starting at 11:58PM and lasting a good _hour-_ was spent sitting in the middle of the dorm on the floor, Marlene practically falling asleep on my feet, making a Pro and Con list of Frank Longbottom. Not even the three bags of Sugar Quills we had could keep her awake.

I became the keeper of the list because, as Alice put it, I'm Head Girl and have responsibilities to attend to. When I told her that my responsibilities did not include keeping track of lists about Frank Longbottom, she merely yawned and stumbled over to her own bed to leave me with the list and a snoring Marlene.

The list was rather unhelpful seeing as Alice hasn't looked at it since. We've discussed the topics nonstop, however, but it's always the same points. Plus, the list was slightly unbalanced, the Pros definitely outweighing the Cons by a thousand or so.

**Alice's List of Why She May Possibly Fancy Frank Longbottom**

_With additional commentary by Lily and Marlene_

He's not a prat.

_Lily says: Good place to start._

_Marlene says: Even after he accidentally let that niffler steal your bracelet in fourth year?_

_Alice's response: Thanks, Lily. Marlene, that's completely irrelevant. The leash broke. I'm voiding your comment._

He knows Herbology.

_Lily says: Brilliant! Yes! And, if you do fancy him (which you should), then he'll be around much more to help us when we're in another pickle like that._

_Marlene says: Or you could have just asked me when I wasn't busy. But being good at Herbology doesn't hurt._

_Alice's response: Great. So you want to use him to help you with homework? This isn't working._

And so on and on it went, Alice adding something to the list and Marlene and I adding our rather useless comments about what we could make do with that. Personally, the Herbology one was good enough for me. I told Alice that he was a keeper.

The only con that we could think of was that Frank had rather large ears. My response was that she could make him wear a hat if necessary. Marlene said his hair covered it anyway. And Alice said she thought they were cute, so really, it didn't matter that if the wind blew hard enough, dear old Frank might be caught in the strong gust and taken away to where ever the wind blows.

When I said that to Alice, she chucked her shoe at me.

By the end of the first week of October, I was thoroughly convinced that my mates had completely forgotten about this whole lets-better-the-world-and-change-Lily-thing. They hadn't brought it up once, not _once_, since I burst into the dorm that morning and claimed that I was shit mate of the year. I was quite thankful that nothing had happened, which could either mean one of two things.

A) Alice and Marlene are even more dimwitted than previously perceived and had completely forgotten about this whole brouhaha, due to the new, exciting, Frank Longbottom phase. (Preferred)

B) They're secretly plotting something to my dismay which involves much more insanity/madness/pain than the first tasks included. (Definitely not preferred, but unfortunately much more likely. Alice and Marlene are like bleeding elephants.)

But I wasn't about to bring it up, just in case (it's always good to have hope) that there was a slight possibility of choice A. Personally, I preferred choice A times a thousand over choice B, but if I let my opinion be known, Alice and Marlene would either make sure it was choice B or fail to comply to choice A, and actually remember. I wasn't about to take that stupid-beyond-belief risk.

That's one thing about being Head Girl, you learn not to take stupid risks when your mates try to make you seem normal or presentable to society. Just thinking that reminds me of Grandma Evans and how she would rant and rave every single Christmas about how she wished Dad were a girl so that she could have presented him to society and showed him off to her friends and such.

Dad never found that as amusing as the rest of us, for some reason.

Though apparently what little luck I had has run out. It has, however, taught me a nice little life lesson. Never, under any circumstances, no matter how dire, let your mad mates- even if you love them dearly and trust them to the end of the world and back- try to do something to alter your personality. The odds are it will fail, and it will be horrible, because you'll have my luck and get those damn determined ones- and by ones I mean mates- that don't want to stop, even if it's turning you into a bad, rotten, horrible mate who becomes ignorant of their fancies.

I wish there were someone like me who could have warned me about this ahead of time. I wouldn't have gotten out of bed that day.

"Psst. Lily. _Pssssst._"

"Yeah?"

"What'd you get for number fourteen?"

"Marlene, do your own work. You have a book."

"It's not in the book."

"It is so. I just found it."

"Come on. Just tell me."

"It's right there! You're _on the page_!"

"I don't feel like summarizing. Just one little glance?"

"No."

"_Please_?"

"No!"

"I'll tell you the next part of our plan."

"_No_- what plan?"

"You know what plan. Let me see number fourteen!"

I covered my parchment with my arm. "What plan?"

"Just angle it towards me. Flitwick will never notice. Come on, Lil."

"_What plan?_"

"The rebel plan. I just need one itty bitty answer."

"What do you mean 'the rebel plan'? I thought we were done with this!"

Marlene gave me a perplexed look. "Who said that? Did Alice say that? Don't listen to her. Just... just ignore her. No, we're still going on with it." She snatched my paper from under my arm and began scribbling down my obscure answers. "I'll give it right back, I promise."

"Hey!"

"Ms. Evans, I know you may know the material the best out of anyone here, but that does not mean that you can be a distraction to the others while they are trying to learn."

I gaped at my mad little Charms teacher, who was normally on my side and said, "Sorry, Professor." And then I smacked a sniggering Marlene in the arm and snatched my own parchment back.

"Talking out of turn in class. Nice job, Lily," someone called as I was walking out the door. "Never thought you had it in you."

I turned to see James heading in my direction and I mentally kicked myself for letting my hand fly up to my stomach. I have reason to believe that my brain thinks that James can see my stomach doing the flips and turns and obnoxious things and that I need to shield it from him. But it probably just looks like he's making me sick. Lovely. My mate, who I do indeed fancy quite a bit more than is healthy (though not to the extent of writing his name over and over on my homework like _some _people believe I should do), could possibly believe that the sight of him makes me ill.

Just exactly what I wanted him to think.

"Yes, well. You know me. Always the rebel," I commented, next mentally kicking Marlene for getting that word in my head. My stomach did another flip- this one not nearly as pleasant- at the thought of what she and Alice had planned for me.

"And letting people copy your work, I see," he said, spotting my parchment sticking out of my bag which had the words _Thanks, Lil_ written on the side of it. "Merlin, not much of a Head Girl, are you?"

"I'm a fine Head Girl, thank you very much," I retorted, wanting to get out of the awkward situation more than anything, but then again never wanting to leave.

It truly was a sign of my high pathetic level.

"Besides, it's not as if you never let Sirius copy some of your stuff, Mister I'm-Not-So-Perfect-Myself Head Boy," I responded with a grin.

"But that's expected of me."

Ohhh. Touché.

I merely glared at him, not quite having a suitable response that didn't involve the places where he could shove his witty comments. I looked around the hallway through all of the miserably slow students for Alice and Marlene who oh-so-conveniently disappeared and left me with James and the potential for word vomit and/or actual vomit. It wasn't the best of situations, if I do say so myself.

"Yeah, but..." Gah. That was a failure if I ever saw one.

James looked at me and his face broke out into a (lovely) grin. "Yeah, but…?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm bloody rubbish at comebacks, especially those in the insulting form. That's one thing I won't be able to brag about. Blah blah blah." I rolled my eyes and waved my hand in a get-on-with-it motion.

And then it got awkward. I mean, it was a _comfortable _awkward (if such a thing existed), but still, it was quite awkward, much more than any one person should have to deal with. James appeared perfectly at ease with his bag hanging over his shoulder and his hands in his pockets, walking in perfect step with me. On the other hand, I was a nervous wreck, fretting with my hair and my skirt, and then remembering that I shouldn't be fretting with my hair because that's a sure way for him to notice that I'm... well, fretting about.

"You really are," James agreed, grinning like a complete loon, which, you know, he was but he didn't need to show everyone this by grinning at my stupid rubbish comments like that. "But, you know, it's alright. Someday, somewhere, someone won't care that you can't make a comeback to save a life."

"Good to know. At least my lack of witty comments won't be a hindrance to me in the future," I agreed. I flicked my hair out of my face, and then pushed a strand behind my ear, before awkwardly resting my left hand on my right forearm.

"You're awfully fidgety today, aren't you?" he asked.

I tried to play it off, seem cool, like I _wasn't _panicking about what to do with my hands, whether my hair looked nice, and if my skirt was crooked. "It must be the water."

"The water," he repeated.

"Yes. You know, I read in the newspaper that there's something weird going on with the water. It supposedly makes people anxious."

"Oh yeah?"

I grinned and gained more confidence. Was he actually believing me? Was lying to James this easy? Surely I couldn't fancy someone so gullible!

I nodded.

"You're a rubbish liar, did you know that?" I opened my mouth to comment back but he chortled and continued on. "Almost as bad as you are with your comebacks. Honestly, someone should give you lessons on these things." He grinned. "If you need help," he said with a wink, "let me know." He patted my shoulder, adjusted his bag, and took a sharp left into the blokes' loos, leaving me to walk by myself to History of Magic.

I walked in kind of a daze, not quite knowing what to think. My thoughts were smashing together, making some type of Lily Thought Stroganoff Mush that wasn't making much sense. James couldn't know that Marlene and Alice had been giving me these "lessons" or "phases" or whatever the hell we called them. Unless he was sneaking around, following us place to place and listening into our conversations. Or maybe Sirius told him. But Sirius didn't get the specifics on _why _he was bringing me to dinner- and leaving me with Aggley.

Marlene and Alice could have told him. They wouldn't do that though. I like to believe that those two have more common sense than that, but sometimes it's just so hard when they're going about trying to make me more mellow, or suave, or whatever the hell else they were trying to achieve. The only way for me to find out if those two had a relatively good amount of brain left would be to ask them, but my brain wasn't quite functioning properly due to James's comment, talking to James, and walking with James.

Clearly this boy is no good for me and I should just do my darnedest to forget he ever existed. However, that's quite hard. He is, after all, and I know this quite well, I've thought about it many times, in almost all of my classes, and he does sit rather close due to either the professors' lack of knowledge about our past or by pure coincidence, but I like to believe that the teachers have it out for me. It makes class a _little _more interesting in the least.

I walked into History of Magic to find that Alice was over sitting at the desk next to Frank, tossing her hair back and giggling. It shocked me at first. I didn't recall ever seeing Alice in action before, but there she was, boy hunting away, and doing a rather good job by the looks of it. She didn't give off the impression of 'slag' either, which is more than I can say for most of the girls at Hogwarts. In fact, her shirt was fully buttoned, her skirt the full length, and she was even wearing her sweater.

I rushed over to Marlene the second I stepped in the door and realized what Alice was doing. That might have been the first time in a couple weeks where I noticed something about another person that wasn't me first. It was a refreshing feeling, knowing that I was coming back to normal and not being so ignorant and self-centered anymore.

"What's she doing?" I demanded, my hair bouncing furiously as I dashed over and dropped my ridiculously (and really, unnecessarily) heavy books on the unoccupied desk next to Marlene who was looking smug with her arms crossed and leaning against her own table. "Over there? With Frank? What is _that_?"

"I'd say she's reeling him in," Marlene answered casually, the complete opposite of what I was feeling. There had been no talk of actually _going _for Frank. Just about whether or not she fancied him.

"But… why? I wasn't expecting…" I left my sentence hanging.

"It's alright, Lil. She's a big girl." Marlene grinned at Alice who had caught us staring. She smiled happily and continued talking to Frank about something or another. He looked honestly interested in whatever it was she was saying. And you have to give the bloke credit there. It's not often you find one who actual does things like that. "She's doing quite well on her own."

I waved at Alice like an overbearing, yet extremely pleased mother and gave her a thumbs up.

"Besides," Marlene continued. "_You've _got bigger things you need to be worried about."

I didn't even comprehend what she was saying at first. I went back to thinking about Alice and her progress with Frank that might not have happened had I not been such a blabber mouth, which was what my brain had been tuned on for a while now. When I did realize what she was getting at, however, I started to immediately protest.

"I thought you were joking," I said cautiously, just in case she still was.

Marlene smirked. She started to slowly walk to the other side of the table. It wasn't like I was going to attack her, no. I knew that Marlene could knock me out in an instant, thanks to James and his vigorous Quidditch training. "Joking? You're really funny."

I laughed loudly, bogusly, trying to pass this situation on like it was still, as I hoped, a joke. It wasn't going too well.

"Marlene. I love you. You know I love you and Alice to death. But, really, you're both a couple of loons who I'm starting to believe need some time in Saint Mungos."

Marlene grinned. "Lily. I love you. You know I love you. But this is fun, and Alice and I really believe that you need to tone it down a bit." She crossed her legs. Professor Binns had just floated into the room and had opened up his ridiculously thick, dusty, ancient book to begin his lecture.

"_Tone it down a bit_?" I whispered harshly, sitting down next to her. I rummaged through my bag for some unused parchment- a rare find when it comes to my black hole of a bag. "What do you _mean_, 'tone it down a bit?'" There was a half a sheet that was doodled on when I wasn't actually listening in Herbology a couple days ago. I decided that would be good enough.

Marlene grinned, obviously enjoying the obliviousness I was putting off. "Loud. Temperamental. Volatile. How do you expect-" she lowered her voice- "James to fancy you if you're always shouting at each other all the time?"

I bit my lip and tried to ignore the frantic leaping my stomach was doing. "It's part of our relationship. It's healthy."

"Relationship? All you do is yell!"

"That's not true," I whispered back dramatically. Her voice had almost risen to its normal level and if anyone heard… "We've been talking normally recently, thank you very much."

Marlene rolled her eyes. "That's because it's puppy love. No one likes to fight in the early stages of a relationship."

I rolled my eyes. "It's _not _a relationship!" I barked, my voice going to its normal level, maybe a bit higher.

I blushed furiously and took a quick sweep around the room to see if anyone had noticed. Alice was looking at me curiously with an eyebrow arched. Frank was leaning in towards her, appearing to be in mid-sentence, but giving me a peculiar look as well. When I made it to the one place I was dreading- the corner where the Marauders sat- I saw that all four of them were looking my way, Remus curious, Sirius smirking, Peter questioning, and James chuckling.

Marlene grinned. "Exactly what I'm saying. You just need to learn to control your tempter a bit. It won't be that hard. I've got it all set up. We're going to work on it during lunch."

"Lunch?" I was starving. It felt like I hadn't eaten in months, even though it had only been hours.

"Don't worry," she grinned. "What I'm bringing will surely make you lose your appetite."

Lovely.

"What's this?" I asked when Marlene held up a photograph that she picked up from Alice's bed. Alice wasn't here with us. She had to meet Frank for lunch. We couldn't believe that in a mere three classes they had already had a _lunch date_. I couldn't believe that they were getting lunch and I didn't.

"It's a picture," Marlene stated casually. She was rummaging through her bag.

"Is this… a picture of _Sirius_?" I questioned, tilting the picture from side to side, then upside down to see if that mop of messy dark hair fit the mop of messy dark hair that I was just sitting behind in Potions.

"Yes, it is." She whipped her hand out of her bag and held a piece of parchment. "Aha!"

"Why the hell do you have a picture of Sirius?" I demanded. I marched over to where she was and snatched the Transfiguration notes out of her hand.

"That's irrelevant and unimportant at the moment. Let's get back to the task at hand." She scribbled something down on another sheet of parchment and stuffed both of them into her bag.

"Where did you even get this from?!"

"Again, irrelevant and unimportant!" she exclaimed, snatching the photograph away from me. "Moving on to what I wanted to-"

"Do you fancy him?" I asked. "Because it's okay if you do. I mean, it's weird, yeah. But it's okay. It isn't like I don't fancy a Marauder, after all."

"Lily! Shut up for a second and listen!" She put the picture behind her back, hiding it from my view as if it would make me forget it. "No. I do not fancy him. Are you absolutely _mad_?"

"Merlin," I defended. "I was just wondering…"

What Marlene finally got around to telling me was that she wanted me to get all of my feelings out about Sirius to his picture, and pretend that it was really him. Her thoughts were that if I can get out my anger at someone who I've yelled at numerous times over the years, then I'd have less of a chance of yelling at other people- and even though she didn't say it, she knew, I knew, and even the bed posts knew, that she was talking about James.

"What do you want me to scream?" I asked, staring at the picture. She had it hovering a few feet in front of me at eye level. It was a big picture, so Sirius's head was life size. He even had on his always there, casual cocky grin.

"Whatever you're feeling."

I tried. "Sirius, I think you're smile is _stupid_!"

Marlene deserves _some _credit for trying to keep from laughing, but my attempt was so pitiful, she couldn't help but double over.

"_Yell_, Lily! Let it all out!"

And so we went at it for a good half hour, trying to get me to let my emotions out on Picture Sirius. Even the print version of him was getting annoyed. Occasionally he would roll his eyes and fake a yawn before pantomiming sleeping against his frame. That's when I really started to let him have it.

"Excellent, Lily! Brilliant!" she cheered after pouring water on Sirius's burning picture. I got a little _too _over excited and when the sparks burst from my wand, I really had no control over where they were going.

"Do you feel any better?" she asked after we'd cleaned up the small sprinkle of ashes and water on the floor.

"Not really," I admitted, though to be fair, I wasn't quite sure what was wrong with me in the first place anyway. It wasn't like I was going around screaming at people for no reason. There was always a reason.

"Do you feel like yelling some more?"

"Er… no."

"Good."

I didn't really know what Marlene was getting at. That screaming exercise wasn't exactly productive. It just made my throat rough and scratchy and made me curious about the others in Marlene's picture collection. Screaming unprovoked (save a very annoying Picture Sirius) at a silent- which was odd, yet peaceful, by the way- Sirius was just kind of odd. I hope the next time I see him I don't yell at him for nothing at all. That'd be ironic, but kind of funny actually.

_A/n: I managed to update a) before December and b) before my break was over! This would have been up sooner, but I remember the greatness of plotting things out on paper, so that's what I plan on doing now. I think my goal is about 3-5 more chapters, but that is completely liable to change. I'm figuring out ways to wrap it up properly instead of sloppily like I'm accustomed to. I'm telling ya, this is why I do so many more one shots than chaptered fics. They're so much less stress. But these are fun, too._

_Much love, the promise of an update relatively soon, and the babe from any fandom of your choice,_

_Siriusly Klutzy_


	17. Just Add Chocolate

**Just Add Chocolate**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter.

I couldn't believe it. I absolutely could _not _believe it. Even though it was still happening to me _right now_, I couldn't believe it. Yes, okay, I understand that it was a seemingly infinite amount of time of screaming, but under no circumstances does that mean its _okay _for me to _lose my voice_.

Seriously, I sound like a bloody toad. And an ugly one, at that. With the warts and the croak that sounds like it has been smoking a pack a day for the last fourteen years.

That is how bad my voice is, my friends, and all because I listened to Marlene and complied with doing her 'brilliant' therapy exercise. Marlene should never go into therapy. If she did, all of her clientele would come back the next day with extremely bitter and cruel letters explaining how much of a horrible therapist she was- because they couldn't exactly yell at her, could they? They'd have no voice.

I guess _technically_ I have some type of voice, but it's not a very attractive one. I don't know how they're going to keep me on this path when I sound like Petunia in the morning. (Seriously, my sister is not a morning person, and her voice is prime evidence of that.)

This is exactly why I'm sitting in Transfiguration with my mouth clamped tightly shut, not saying a word, while being the most observant I've ever been in my entire life. Instead of paying attention to McGonagall (who, luckily, has not asked me any questions yet), I was looking around the room at all of my peers, who seemed about as interested in this lesson as I was.

Billy Thorr was picking at his fingernails, which were apparently a thousand times more appealing than the newest transfiguration we were learning about (something, I think, that had to do with desks bigger than eight feet long and unicorns). I never thought I'd see someone so entranced by their nails, but there you have it. Billy was. The sad part about this entire situation was that it was so appealing that _I _was watching Billy Thorr pick at his fingernails.

I quickly looked away. That was more than my daily dose of pathetic allowed. What immediately caught my attention next was Alice, whispering to Frank, who was listening with pure interest, both of them completely ignoring the oblivious McGonagall (though I suspect she wasn't as oblivious as we all made her out to seem). Alice momentarily caught my eye and grinned excitedly. I grinned back. I didn't need to use my vocal cords for that. It was a fair trade-off.

The class passed quickly while I people watched. I learned many things about my classmates. When James was taking notes (Come on. Did you honestly expect me not to note him?) he played with the hair on the back of his head a bit. Marlene doodled obsessively for most of the class, pictures of various quidditch objects. By the time the bell rang, I thought I was much more educated in my peers. Not, however, in Transfiguration, which wasn't that big of a shame, really.

I was still lugging my unopened Transfiguration book into my already heavy bag when Alice came bouncing over, a huge smile on her face.

"What?" I asked, grinning. I couldn't help but do so. She was absolutely radiating happiness.

"Guess what!" she said in a rushed voice, leaning forward and backward, mocking me with her secret.

"What?" I asked, smiling widely as I slung my ten thousand pound bag over my shoulder.

"Frank and I have a date!" was her whispered, rushed, and squealed response. The room was clearing out now, giving her enough room to bounce up and down happily, nearly landing on Marlene when she was making her way over.

"What's this?" she asked, noting the hopping Alice.

"Our first official one!" Alice continued, bouncing a little over to Marlene's left so that she wouldn't almost land on her again.

"Date?" Marlene questioned, her own smile growing wider at Alice's happiness.

"Yes!"

Marlene furrowed her eyebrows quickly. "I thought you already had one?"

"That was _lunch_," Alice answered with a nod. "This… _this_ is Hogsmade!"

Marlene and I shared a grin.

Alice continued chatting about it all the way up to the Common Room where we were headed to drop off out bags. Mine was getting ridiculously heavy. I thought my shoulder just might fall off if we didn't make the trip. Plus, Marlene wanted to snag one of her boxes of chocolate that she hid from us before going to Charms.

When we reached the fifth floor, I thought I knew everything about Frank there was to know, and I was going to comment on this, too, but I saw a very familiar group of boys on the staircase across the hall from us. Sirius was leaning against a rail, talking to a blond fifth year of our house, with James on her other side, nodding appreciatively at the girl, and I caught a swift wink in Sirius's direction. I felt an unfamiliar sensation in my stomach that made my eyebrows furrow and my fists clench. I didn't like it at all.

Sirius caught sight of us right away and waved manically over the girl's head. She looked a little put out to have lost his attention, but quickly regained it by tugging on his sleeve and wrapping a curly blond lock around her finger. He grinned and went back to his conversation with her.

When he caught my eye, another emotion swept over me. But this wasn't like the first one at all. This one I recognized. I felt rather apologetic towards Sirius. If Marlene didn't ask about the time, I certainly would have yelled out a quick apology.

But then again, I also had the strangest and strongest urge to just _yell _at him, too. Not yell apologies at him. Just yell at him. Him standing with the stone wall acting as a background made the situation seem much too familiar.

I blame Marlene's little exercise entirely. Poor Sirius. He's going to have it rough these next few days, especially if she keeps trying her little experiments on me. I hope it isn't Remus next. I'd hate to have to sporadically yell at him for a week, though I guess I should see how it goes with Sirius first.

We went up to the dorm and did what girls do best. Ignored the fact that our next class started in a mere twenty minutes, grabbed the chocolate, and chatted about boys for a bit. Though it did take some persuasion.

"But Charms…" I mumbled uselessly, knowing that I had already been won over by the glorious chocolate Marlene had hidden in her room. Sorry Flitwick, though I love you and your subject to death, you cannot stand in the way of me and my chocolate.

I knew resistance was futile, but I had to make some attempt, just in case Flitwick decided to kidnap us to figure out why we were late. I needed to have something to show that I tried, Flitwick, I really did, to get them to go to class.

"You know all there is to know about Charms," Alice interfered, not needing to give the extra little push against my shoulder blades in the direction of our room. "Besides, we won't be late, I swear. It's just some chocolate."

"We'll take it and go," Marlene promised.

I had to trust Marlene. She's not much of a liar. And when she _does _lie, she scrunches up her nose like she's smelled something foul, a nice little warning that something is not right with her statement.

I glanced at the clock. Class started in eighteen minutes, and it would take at least five to get to the Charms room.

"So Alice," Marlene said while we were turned around and she scurried through her many hiding places to get the delicious chocolate. "What do you really think about Frank?"

I winced, expecting Alice to go off on another Framble (Frank ramble, clever, eh?) but instead she crossed her arms and thought about the question. Seriously. Marlene must have been shocked, too, because her rummaging stopped. It was either that, or she had found the chocolate.

Finally, after what seemed like _hours_, Alice responded. Marlene instructed us to turn back around so that we could get our chocolate and get to Charms. (They wouldn't make me late. I'd be a nervous wreck if they had. They know me too well.)

"I _really_ like him," Alice admitted, as if we didn't know that already. She sighed happily. "A lot. A _lot, _a lot. Just being in his presence is… oh, I don't know! But I get giddy every time I see him! Like… it's like the first rays of sunshine after a month of clouds! It's like… the sweet taste of chocolate after weeks of porridge! It's like-"

"Sweet Merlin," Marlene interjected, preventing Alice from anymore of her sweet, yet oh-so-sickening comparisons. "We get it. When'd you turn into such a poet, anyway?" Alice opened her mouth to answer, but Marlene, always the cynic, held up a hand. "And if you say since Frank, I swear to god I'll shove this chocolate up your nose."

I laughed. Marlene wasn't so much of a romantic as Alice was, but even I got a little nauseous during her little spiel.

"You didn't have to ask," Alice huffed, accepting the chocolate Marlene was holding out with a smile on her face.

With ten minutes to spare, we started heading down to Charms, munching on the chocolate (it had peanuts! Merlin, Marlene knew me too well).

However, on the way down, I saw my good pals (Ha!) the Marauders again. Remus and Peter were chatting casually leaning against the railing on the moving staircase while it was making its trip round the floors. Sirius and James were talking to the girl. Still. We were gone for ten minutes! Shouldn't she be gone by now? And it seemed like James was just as absorbed in the conversation as Sirius was. He saw Alice, Marlene, and I step onto the staircase when it stopped in front of us and winked.

Another bout of wanting to biff him came around, but instead I just fumed. I could deal with fuming. Biffing Sirius probably wouldn't lead to anything good, other than, you know, stress relief.

It wasn't even his fault, anyway. No. It was _James _who I was mad at. Wasn't he…? Isn't he supposed to…?

He's Head Boy, for Merlin's sake. He should not be trying to pick up little fifth years! I wondered if Ellen knew her. I'd have to ask her. I wonder what her name is…

"You all right, Lily?" Marlene asked. She broke off a piece of her own chocolate and thrust it into my hand.

I blinked a couple of times. She was looking at my narrowed eyes and followed their path to the messy haired boy whose arm was casually draped behind the back of the blond girl. She grinned.

"Lily," she said knowingly.

"Sod off," I fumed as I averted my gaze and crossed my arms.

"_Lily!_" she exclaimed, her tone full of accusation.

"Sod. Off," I repeated. I turned my back completely to the boys.

Marlene grinned. "What?" Alice questioned, just now tuning into my furious face and Marlene's knowing smirk.

"Nothing," Marlene answered, not removing her smirk or taking her eyes off of me. "Go back to thinking about Frank."

Alice rolled her eyes, but didn't pursue conversation. She probably figured she could get it out of Marlene soon anyway, no need to keep it up while I was still seething.

Decades later, the staircase stopped moving and the two groups of us got off. I was using my empowering walk, which was quite similar to a beeline, except instead of darting around everyone, I simply glared and they moved out of the way. Marlene and Alice were behind me, nearly jogging to keep up. I didn't care. I didn't slow down. All I wanted to do was get to Charms. I could always depend on Flitwick. _He _would never put his arm around a pretty, blond fifth year.

Especially because if he did, he could possibly lose his job, but I wasn't about to think _that _just then. It was the only comfort I had.

"_Oi!_ Watch it, Potter!"

I spun around on instinct. No, not because I heard the mention of 'Potter.' Because I heard there was a child in need, and I had to figure out what happened. It was merely my instinctive Head duties coming into play.

A small circle had formed about ten feet away, already containing Alice and Marlene. In the middle stood James, with Sirius a little off to the left, and a small group of first year, by the looks of them anyway, Slytherins.

"Learn to walk, Potter," another small boy added, sneering at James and Sirius. I swear to you, another one of them was sizing them up. _Sizing them up! _As if he could take one of them. Oi, what was with kids now?

I forced my way through the throng of students and glared at the little debacle that had formed. "Potter," I growled, turning to face James, "what did you do?"

James, whose eyebrows have previously been furrowed as he stared at the little Slytherin like he was absolutely mad, had let his jaw drop in obvious shock. He stood there gaping at me like a fish, his arms hanging helplessly by his side as he just stared. "What did _I _do? Why don't you ask _him_?" he exclaimed, thrusting his finger in the direction of the little Slytherin.

"Pointing fingers, Potter?" I questioned. "_Really_?" He gaped again. Sirius stood behind him giving me a look of pure disgust. Behind each of them, I saw the nameless blond girl standing there with her hands over her mouth. "Honestly, I thought you were over picking on little kids."

The Slytherin and his friends glared at me at the 'little' comment, which I chose to gracefully ignore, because if I didn't, all that would have been left of them would have been their shoes.

"Are you _kidding_ me, Evans?" he spat. "We _bumped _into each other! Apparently he's just too thick to see that it was an accident." James was furious. Anyone in a ten mile radius could tell that. "And clearly so are you," he added.

I was enjoying it. Just like I used to. I was getting excitement off of James being pissed, especially when I was the cause. This wasn't good. Didn't I _just _do that _stupid _temper thing last night? Merlin.

Instead of pursuing it- I had no idea if it really was an accident or not, but my every fiber could feel that I had just made a huge mistake- I spun on my heel and darted into the Charms classroom where not Flitwick, but some other teacher, was writing notes on the board.

"Where's Flitwick?" I gasped as I dropped my books onto my desk and collapsed onto the chair.

"I'm afraid he's sick today and couldn't make it to class," the professor answered. She smiled and returned to the notes on the board.

No Flitwick? Today was a pile of dung. I clutched the edge of the desk to the point where I thought I might possibly break off a piece until the bell rang and everyone else filed into the classroom.

* * *

It's been three days. _Three days_ and James hasn't said a word to me. Not that I've made any type of attempt at talking to him, either, but normally he's bouncing around trying to apologize while I ignore him.

Now, we're both just ignoring each other. Even at meals, where it didn't matter where we sat, I would navigate so that I would sit as far away from him and his friends as humanly possible without falling off the bench, or if I got there first, he would do the same.

The worst part? The blond girl continuously showed up. She sat between Sirius and James at the table, and would wave to them across the Common Room- that is, if she wasn't already sitting with them. James would say something to her, they'd both look at Sirius, and laugh.

Laugh!

She wasn't supposed to be laughing with James! She's two years younger! That's irrational! There's no way they have the same sense of humor. Fifteen-year-old and seventeen-year-old humor are two very, _very _different things.

"That's _it_, Lily, we've had enough!" Alice exclaimed after I quite noticeably sulked all through dinner, back up to the Common Room, and landed on my bed with a depressing thunk. "You've been acting like this for _three days_! Get _over_ it!"

I groaned and rolled over onto my stomach so that my head was buried in a pillow. Maybe I'd suffocate. Then I could turn into a ghost and hang out with Nearly Headless Nick. He seemed like good company. Not an easy person to get in a fight with, anyway.

"_This _was the purpose of that exercise, Lil," Marlene added hastily. I heard her shuffling papers, a few footsteps, and then felt the edge of my bed sink in as she sat down next to me.

"Sod off," I mumbled uselessly into the pillow.

"Do you see why I did it now, though?" she asked, stroking my hair like Mum used to. I s'pose with two younger sisters, a motherly instinct comes around.

"Yes," I grumbled. I rolled so that my back was to her. "It was so _stupid_."

"I know."

"Yes, it was," Alice agreed. "It was a poor excuse for a fight, but you know what, Lily? He's a bloke. He'll get over it, I promise you."

I shook my head. "He's going to hate me forever," I couldn't help but answer dramatically.

"No," Marlene responded. "He won't. It was the most ridiculous reason for a fight, anyway. But it wasn't just the Slytherin boy, was it? There was something else, wasn't there?"

Alice was now sitting at my other side. Though I could tell she was frustrated with Depressed Lily, she was trying to make it better. That's what she does. She tells you you're acting like an idiot, and then tries to fix it.

"Perhaps a girl with curly blond hair?" she offered, closing a piece of chocolate in my hand. I took it gratefully and brought it between my face and the pillow to devour. Quite often, chocolate solves all problems.

I didn't respond to her. What was the point? They knew they were right. Bloody blond haired girl.

"I think I've got a solution," Alice said. Her weight disappeared from my bed and I heard footsteps to the door before it opened and shut.

"What's she doing?" I asked, finally removing my face from my pillow and sitting up to look at Marlene.

"Lovely hair," she commented.

"What's Alice doing?" I asked, ignoring her comment but pulling the elastic off of my wrist to put the out-of-control mane into something more manageable and less scary.

"No idea."

"Should we have… let her go?" I asked cautiously. "I mean, she's got good intentions, but she was also the one who wanted us to go swimming in the lake in January when you wanted a 'little adventure' last year."

"I don't think this is going to involve swimming," Marlene answered. We were both staring at the door expectantly. Half a minute later, we heard footsteps coming up.

"Come on, Lily," Alice said once the door opened. "I've got Remus."

I cocked my head to the side as Marlene asked, "Why?"

"He wants to talk to Lily," Alice answered as she brushed stray hair out of her eyes. "Come on."

"Should we let him?" Marlene asked cautiously, eyes darting from the open door to me.

"I don't see why not."

"But if he talks about James…" Marlene trailed off.

"I can both you," I said, rolling my eyes and getting up off of my bed.

"_Do_ youwant to talk to him?" Alice asked. She was looking at me intently, checking for some sign to make sure I wouldn't attack her for getting one of James' best mates.

"I guess so," I answered. I walked across the room, stopping at Marlene's bed quickly to take some more chocolate, and out the door, down the staircase to find Remus waiting at the bottom of the stairs. "Didn't want to risk the slide?" I asked with a small smile.

"I like to believe that I'm manly enough that it would turn the second I stepped foot on it, so I didn't really want to use it, no. I like my bum bruise free, thanks," Remus answered with a smirk.

I laughed and he led the way to the farthest corner in the Common Room. I was pleased to see that there were no other Marauders in sight, though Frank was sitting by the fire, staring at us until we caught him, and then looking away quickly. I expect Alice told him to tell her everything, though it was surprising not to see her and Marlene lurking in the corners.

"So what's up?" I asked uncomfortably once we positioned ourselves in two chairs across from each other at one of the smaller tables.

"Aside from Alice nearly stuffing me in a bag to get me down here, I think James would want me to tell you that-"

"Wait, wait," I said hurriedly, waving my hands in his face to motion for him to stop talking. "He's sending _you _to deliver his messages now?" I frowned. "Not that I don't like you, Remus, I do! It's just…" _does he really hate me that much? _I finished in my head.

I chewed on my lip and waited for Remus to say something. He took a deep breath before continuing. "He doesn't hate you, you know," he finally answered, causing me to let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"What?" I spluttered out.

"James," Remus answered with a smile. "He doesn't hate you. He's just… frustrated. He doesn't understand why you guys have to fight all the time. Especially the other day. That wasn't exactly necessary." I blushed and looked down at my lap. "But neither to do I, actually."

That's when it happened. As you've previously seen, I've got a bit of a blabber problem, which is why I proceeded to tell Remus everything. The rebel story, what made it happen, what Marlene and Alice were trying to teach me, why I was acting so strangely.

He sat quietly and listened the entire time, not making any comments, just faces that would make it seem as if he were making connections from my previous actions and why they had happened.

"Really?" Remus asked incredulous. "All of this because James mentioned _once _that you should be more rebellious?"

"Well, when you say it like that…"

"Are you trying to impress him or something?" Remus asked jokingly, but there was something more in his smile, like the fact that it could possibly be true. "Because he's been wondering why you've been acting so… not you, lately."

I looked up, confused. "Have I?"

"He said you were trying too hard to be something you're not. You're Lily Evans, a spazzy, worried, work-a-holic with a temper but who knows when something has gone too far. Or something along those lines. My point is that you're not acting like that. You're acting like… I don't know. But it's been freaking us out." He grinned at that.

"Really?" I asked, eyes wide and stomach flip-flopping. "He noticed all of that?"

"Yes."

I laid my head down on the table. "Well. Now I feel like an idiot."

"_Were _you trying to impress him?" Remus asked, a smile in his voice.

I decided to be as honest as I could be. I mean, it couldn't get any worse. I lifted my head off of the table before I answered. "I think… subconsciously. To show him that I'm not as predictable as previously perceived."

Remus rolled his eyes at me. "That's stupid," he said bluntly, making my face fall. What is it with people telling the truth? Aren't they aware that ignorance is bliss? "He's liked you for ages and you change yourself to prove him wrong."

"But…"

Remus waited for a moment but I left my sentence hanging. He grinned. "See? Not even you can defend yourself."

"I suck," I declared after a moment of silence. He was right.

"Nah," Remus objected. "Only when it comes to trying to decipher James." I grinned and tried to blink away the random spontaneous tears that had sprouted. "But lets face it, Lily… not even Einstein could understand the workings of James' brain."

That made me laugh. It made me laugh so hard that the spontaneous tears turned into tears of laughter and soon I was hysterical. Remus was chuckling, too, albeit not as loudly. Frank was staring at us questioningly, but when I smiled, he returned it and went back to looking at his book. The rest of the Common Room was just ignoring the two random seventh years laughing like a couple of loons.

We calmed down after a minute or two and sat there. I was trying to catch my breath, and started thinking about our conversation. There was, however, one thing we didn't talk about, and it was the one thing that was bothering me the most.

"What about… the blond girl?" I asked awkwardly, definitely not making eye contact with Remus as I stared down at my fingers, understanding why Billy Thorr was so interested in them the other day.

Remus laughed. It surprised me so much, I jumped. I glared at him until he stopped laughing at me and grinned. "Lily," he said calmly, "have you ever heard of wing men?"

I gave him a peculiar look because the first thing that came to mind was a couple of blokes standing on the wings of a plane, and for some reason, I don't think that's what he meant.

"No…" I answered slowly.

Remus grinned and leaned back in his chair. "A wing man," he began, "is what one bloke uses when he wants to get a girl." When comprehension didn't dawn on my face, he continued. "Sirius has been eyeing that girl, Mikayla, for weeks now and James has been helping Sirius get her by making Sirius look good when they're around her."

I blinked a couple of times.

"So he's not interested in her," I stated, the image of them on the stairs burned into my brain.

"Not in the least," Remus answered happily.

"That's such a stupid method," I grumbled. "Honestly, you blokes are out of your minds."

"What? Why?"

"_Wing men_?" I asked, laughing. I felt so relieved, it was amazing. "Really?"

"Like you girls don't have your tricks, too!" he responded sharply, but he was grinning all the same.

We laughed together before I said, "Thanks, Remus," all cheesily and everything.

"You're welcome, Lily," he said with a smile.

* * *

A/n: Hey guys! I didn't forget about this, I've just had mad writers block. Plus, I finally, _finally _got a decent amount of time where I wasn't worrying about something, to work on it, so I've been doing as much as I could these past couple days. Voila! There's the next chapter. (Enter smile emoiticon here.)

There's only a couple/few/handful of chapters left, so I'm going to be working on all those lose ends and hopefully tying the plot together completely.

A thousand apologies for making you literally wait _months_ for another chapter.

Much love, lots of chocolate, a marauder, and a really awesome floppy hat,

Siriusly Klutzy


	18. You Got It

**You Got It**

a Siriusly Klutzy chapter

There are three things in this world that will inevitably cause the premature death of me.

1) The undeniably deliciousness of chocolate. It's exactly what any girl could wish for when her mates drive her out of her mind. The problem: Too much of this delicious chocolate leads to inescapable laziness. If I'm lazy, there's no way I can handle patrolling or fulfill my Heads duties as necessary, thus having to accept the title of Failure. Thus being murdered by my loveable-but-slightly-perfection-seeking mum. Thus being dead, which in no way will get me a good job. Or good grades on my NEWTS.

2) James Potter. Really, enough said. We all know what kinds of chaoticness he brings into my life. If more proof is needed, grab a time turner, darling. Start on September first, Year 1.

3) My batty mates who feel the need to control my life. For some reason I think they've taken it upon themselves to not just have a Lily Evans, but to have a Super Lily Evans. Like a super hero. Super Evans, with the dominating power of shrieking at people at a thunderous volume. Except not anymore. Now she's just Super Evans, with the dominating power of sending out healthy, but deserved, glares.

Let's go back to number two for a moment (or more. It _is _James Potter, and Merlin knows I can talk about _him _to Mars and back.) After my Little Conversation with Remus, I've had nothing but constant knots of anticipation and anxiety tying themselves up more and more. I wasn't exactly sure what I should _do _after it. Remus knows. I know that. Remus is a smart bloke and it doesn't exactly take a genius like Dumbledore to figure out that I fancy James, even if admitting it, even just in my mind, causes my head to swirl. Just a bit. Or more. Gah.

But what is there to _do _now? Am I supposed to just go _talk _to him? Wouldn't he _suspect _something? Is that what I want? Should I want it? Wouldn't it make _sense _for me to want that?

Remus. I love him dearly, I really do. He's been such a marvelous help, really he has! But he is utterly _useless _in the Helping Lily Evans department. He definitely would not be the head if that department existed in the ministry. Only some poor, unsuspecting sap who is remarkable with damage control would be able to master _that_. Maybe the combined efforts of Marlene and Alice, but they were no where to be found, and I wasn't sure, exactly, where to even begin to look.

They're so spontaneous sometimes and it really is quite convenient for their needy friend.

I stood up from where I was sitting on the Gryffindor couch, contemplating the current mishap that is James Potter of my life. Not that he's a bad mishap, of course! Er, completely. But he really wasn't making my life any easier_. He_ wasn't anywhere to be found, nor were any of his loony mates.

I turned on the spot to see that the entire Common Room was cleared, save a second year who was scribbling furiously on her arm, splattering ink across her face making it an obvious give away for how she was about to cheat on her Charms test. I eyed her suspiciously for a moment hoping that she would catch my eye, realize that, Hey, the Head Girl was onto her and could give her a detention for cheating. But she didn't look up. She scribbled away on her forearm, oblivious to the fact that the _only other person in the room _was staring at her.

Rolling my eyes, I walked towards the portrait hole in hope that my Marlene and Alice intuition would kick in so I would be able to find them quickly. I was feeling horribly impatient. The best place to start, I decided, was in the general area of the Great Hall because if my mates loved anything, it was eating, so there was a greater chance that they would be _there _than any other place in the castle.

I walked aimlessly and obliviously down the many flights of stairs, only partially aware of who was passing me, giving my full attention only to the girls with dark hair like Alice or Amazon legs like Marlene. I saw both occasionally, but none together. Where were my mates?

By the time I made it to the Great Hall, the lunch plates were being set up and slowly trays and plates and bowls of food were appearing on the table. It looked _delicious_ because it was beans on toast day. Hogwarts was the only place I could find it that somehow made it taste like Mum's. I wasn't sure _how _someone could make beans on toast taste so spectacular, but both Mum and Hogwarts did. Not that I was complaining.

There were also chips, looking fresh and mouth watering, sitting in their round bowls right next to the baskets of bread.

I couldn't resist. When I realized the mental drool wasn't completely, one hundred percent mental, I decided I _had _to nab a spot at the table. There was no one else down here, they were probably out on the grounds some where. The weather _was _getting a bit more chilly recently and there would only be a few more days of the already rare nice weather left. At that moment, however, beans on toast were much more appealing than the last nice days here at Hogwarts before the icy, cold-inducing, fire stroking days of winter were upon us.

That was probably where Alice and Marlene were, actually. They were probably outside, perhaps flying around on a broom (which _must _be why I wasn't informed of this adventure), determined to fight the cooling breeze and not wear their scarves, which would be a sign of defeat. Yes, that had to be it.

I took a seat closer to the middle, a little to the left of a group of girls who were squealing about something or another. One of them, a girl in a Gryffindor scarf (obviously _she _wasn't trying to defeat the weather), giggled shrilly, and her friend hushed and swatted her. The Gryffindor Scarf girl turned a light shade of pink and nibbled on some bread while the others laughed at her in what seemed like a friendly way.

It was still worrying me. Where _were _Marlene and Alice? What if Alice wanted to take one last dip in the lake before it got much to cold because Alice loves swimming, more than anything else in world. Perhaps more than Marlene and I, even. Alice loves swimming. So what if she went in and, while Marlene wasn't looking, a current pulled her under and she drowned? What if Marlene was stuck in a tree again? What if one of them fell off of a broom?

All of these worried thoughts were rushing through my brain when I felt two bodies take their places next to me while I got nearer to hyperventilating. "Alright, Lily?" asked my good friend Sam. He thwacked me on the back a couple times. You know, just in case I was choking or something.

"Yes, I'm sure _that _made her feel loads better, Sam," Ellen said. She flicked at his hand and patted my shoulder instead. "Are you okay, Lily, darling? Did Sam hurt you? I can chuck him out a window if you'd like. It wouldn't be the first time," she said to my side soothingly.

I came back to my senses and realized that I hadn't talked to those two in ages. Or what felt like ages, at least. They appeared to still be together and kicking- sometimes literally. I grinned at them and enveloped them both in hugs. Sam obediently played the part of Obnoxious Fifteen Year Old Boy, and pushed away saying, "Now, Lily, I know my dashing looks and obvious charm make you attracted to me, but I'm with Ellen. I'm there there's a boy out there for you somewhere."

Ellen, again, flicked him.

"Where have you guys been?" I asked conversationally, my thoughts of Alice and Marlene momentarily escaping me. "I feel like I have so much to tell you!"

Ellen grinned. "Nothing of great importance, or I'm sure i would have heard about it by now. James isn't very good at hiding his emotions, is he?"

"What do you mean?" I asked in my best casual voice trying to nonchalantly put some chips on my plate. It would have went well if my hand hadn't started to shake uncontrollably and I didn't end up dropping half of the chips down my shirt where they landed with a couple crunches on my skirt.

I brushed the crumbs off hastily, then looked to up for an answer.

"He's been moping around like a slug all week," Sam answered, stealing a chip from my plate and popping it in his mouth despite the fact that there were bowls of them along the table that he could have snatched all for himself.

"He almost killed Sam in practice last week with a bludger."

"James is a Chaser...?" I said, somewhat unsure. I _thought _he was a Chaser, and leave it to me to know, right? And if I wasn't right about his quidditch position- a sport I hardly knew anything about, so the position thing is a rather big accomplishment- then what kind of fancying girl was I?

"I'm easy to take frustration out on." Sam shrugged and swiped another chip.

"He was demonstrating proper bat handling," Ellen explained. Her eyes went from conversational to glaring in seconds. You don't mess with Ellen's territory, or things would apparently get ugly. "Not that it matters, right? As long as you know how to not drop the bloody thing and make contact with a bludger in the general direction of another person, hopefully one not wearing your team's colors, then you're good to go. But James wouldn't have it. Sam was flying around him and being a goof, and James sent a bludger his way."

"To be fair, he did apologize after," Sam intervened. "And there was no way to know I was going to dart in front of him like that. He was just hitting out of anger."

"Sam, he broke your arm."

My hands flew up to my mouth while my eyes went wide. "Your _arm_? Really?" I gasped. "Broken? Like... _broken_ broken?" I stared at his arm in disbelief. James couldn't- _couldn't_- have intentionally broken his arm.

"She exaggerating. Ellen hasn't exactly forgiven James for that. Even though," he looked pointedly at his huffing girlfriend, "It wasn't his fault at all." Ellen rolled her eyes. Sam chuckled and then showed me his arm. There was a rather large, but clearly faded, purple and yellowish bruise covering the majority of his forearm. I crinkled my nose and tried not to look, but a quick flash of my intended future career flashed through my head. if I was going to be a healer, I would be seeing a lot of bruises. And much more than just those.

I carefully ran my finger down the length of his bruise. The churning in my stomach wasn't exactly easy to control, but I managed, even though I lost all the appetite I had. And on beans on toast day, too. It was swollen just a bit, but the worst of it looked out of the way. "Did you go to Madame Pomfrey, Sam?"

Sam shook his head, his scraggly hair falling into his eyes as he did so. The boy really needed a haircut. it was almost as long as Sirius's. "Nah, Remus fixed it after practice. Sirius went up to get him after Marlene suggested it. It's fine, just a bruise."

I shook my head. He really should have gone to Madame Pomfrey. Yes, she is a bit _mad_ sometimes. She flounces around and mutters under her breath at the mention of a paper cut. Alex McFeen _swears_ he heard he say that all children belong in plastic balls to keep them from germs and injuries. And while perhaps _some _people belong in giant plastic balls, I don't think everyone does.

"Although, Lily," Sam said. A wicked grin spread across his face. A grin I had seen many times on not only his face, but that of Sirius Black, as well. "Really, though, this is _your_ fault."

I rose an eyebrow. "My fault? Really, now?"

Ellen groaned. "Sam, don't bring this up."

"Bring what up?" I asked, flinging myself in Ellen's direction. "How is this my fault?"

"She's got to know by now." Sam picked up and chip and turned it in his hand. "The whole team was talking about it."

I turned back to face him. "Talking about what, Sam?" He was smirking at Ellen, his teeth glistening, eyes sparkling. This was the mischievous Sam I knew. Ellen glared back at him, furious.

She whipped her wand out of her robes and pointed it at his arm, the uninjured one. "Do you want me to break your other arm?" she threatened.

Sam just grinned wider. "You wouldn't. You can't bare to see me in pain." He looked pointedly at me and explained. "She almost throttled James." I opened my mouth to continue to ask _why _this nonsense was my fault but he cut me off, nodding. "It took the entire team to convince her that my arm wasn't broken." Ellen gripped her wand tighter and hardened her stare. "And even after all of that, she still got a swift kick to his shin."

She sniffed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Sam grinned. "Do you see this? This is why I love her." Ellen couldn't stop the grin from spreading across her face.

"Sam!" I half screeched. I grabbed his unbruised arm and shook it so that his entire body jolted. "Please!" I begged. "Back on subject!"

"Sub... oh, right, right. Sorry, Lily." Sam grinned. I rolled my eyes at him, still gripping his arm to the point that there may be claw marks on it. "Anyway, James has been sulking for a while."

"Yes, you've mentioned that," I said hurriedly, trying to get the information. Remus just said that he was frustrated. There was no mention of sulking, was there? Did I miss a big conversation piece there?

When he opened his mouth to speak again, I released the iron grip on his arm and looked up at him expectantly. He grinned before continuing. "Like I said, James isn't very good at keeping secrets. He'd come to practice in a particularly bad mood."

My eyebrows furrowed and I stared at Sam. "Wait. What does that have to do with me?"

Ellen laughed. "He would sulk around." She dropped her voice an octave. "'What is _with _her lately? Sirius, do you think someone's poisoned her? Sirius? Are you listening? Lily's been acting crazy again!' And he'd just go on and _on _about one little thing you did."

"And Sirius what have to analyze it for ten minutes, and tell James to 'suck it up, Prongs, she's fine' so that we could get back to practice." Sam laughed. "Sirius knows how to control him."

"I've made James sulk?" I asked, practically outraged. "Because of the little things I've changed?"

Even though Remus had just explained that same thing to me not even a day ago, it was just registering. Everything was clicking. Before now, James was annoying, but he'd never get mad. Everyone, including himself, claimed that he fancied me. I had no reason to believe it, though.

But now...

Now he was getting mad because I was changing myself at the instruction of Alice and Marlene. He was storming around and delaying quidditch practices, which I wouldn't put past him to extend afterward to compensate for the lost time. And... this was all because of me?

That would mean...

I sat there processing this information carefully until I came to one very important conclusion. One conclusion that could have lead to many good things, had I realized it much earlier all of these years. Or just less harsh retaliations for James. But that one thing, it changed everything, didn't it? It meant that while James was completely out of his mind and apparently had a seemingly unstable emotional brain, he really did fancy me. All these years, it wasn't a lie or a joke or some stupid bet.

James Potter fancied me, Lily Evans, flaws and all. And there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it.

Except maybe change myself.

That's when I saw the flaw. The huge flaw. When _had _I started noticing that I fancied James? It was... somewhere in the middle of this experiment, right? The experiment that had been concocted in order to prove a point to James that I _wasn't _the predictable prick I thought he imagined me to be.

"Lily," Ellen asked carefully. She lay her hand on my shoulder and shook it lightly. "Are you alright? Do you need to go to the infirmary or something?"

I bit my lip. "No," I answered. I shook my head and looked at her, an adrenaline rush flooding through my system. "No, but I've got to do something."

"What?" Sam asked. He was still swiping chips from my plate, but that was currently the most unimportant thing in the world. "But you haven't eaten anything."

I waved my hands at him, signaling for him to shut up for a moment. "Alice and Marlene," I finally managed to say. "Have you seen them? I... I can't find them anywhere."

"I think they were in the library," Ellen offered while Sam continued to protest my lack of nutrition. I grabbed my bag and stood up, nearly taking them out with me.

Sam, still babbling, gripped the table. "I'll talk to you guys later!" I said, not bothering to look back as I started to run out of the Great Hall, almost taking out a group of Ravenclaws as I went. Before I reached them, however, I heard Ellen say to Sam, "Will you _shut up _for a second? I think she's finally got it."

* * *

By the time I reached the library, I was significantly out of breath. I had to hold on to the wall to keep myself from falling over while I caught my breath. My bag I had dropped moments before and had skidded a couple feet away from me. Bent over double, one hand on the wall, the other resting on my knees, my heart was pounding viciously. Like it was saying, "Evans, what the _hell _ was that? You deny me any form of physical exercise for years and then expect to run a marathon to the library? Are you _out of your mind_?"

Part of me, the particularly crazy part, apologized to my heart for doing that. The other part was trying to focus on standing up straight again so that I could continue this adventure. I had to find Alice and Marlene, and soon. I thanked Merlin that they weren't actually outside, like I had thought before, and that they were just in the place I could get to in my sleep.

Except now the library seemed much larger than it ever had before, even with all of the books waiting to be read. The countless books that I never thought I'd get my hands on never gave off the illusion that the library was _this big_. Just rather large.

Bending over, I grasped my bag and swung it over my shoulder. A bottle of ink flew out and shattered in the hall, splattering the ankles of some passing fourth year Slytherins who glared and, any other day, would have started spewing curses at me. They must have seen my determined but manic expression and didn't want to get involved with a lunatic because none of them drew their wands, and only a handful muttered nasty things.

Personally, I didn't blame them in the least.

The shelves seemed to be endless. There were rows and rows of them. Once, I knew exactly how many rows there were in this library, which ones housed the best tables for studying, where students would go if they were trying to escape a teacher. But all of that information escaped me as I sprinted through the door and frantically searched for my mates.

It only took a couple minutes to find them, in the Transfiguration section, looking up some spell that McGongall may have mentioned was going to be on the test we were bound to receive soon. They looked up, startled, when I popped up behind Marlene, sweating and panting uncontrollably.

"What the _hell_ are you doing in here?" I sputtered, still trying to catch my breath. I used Marlene to lean on while my heart raced it's way to the finish, so that it could finally slow down.

"Lily!" Alice said. Her shock was evident. She grasped my shoulders to hold me steady so that she could look me in the eye. "Are you alright? What's going on?" I could see the worry creases around her eyes.

I wiped off the sweat that may or may not have been on my forehead. "Seriously, why are you here? You're _never _in the library without me!"

"We were looking up a spell," Marlene answered in a rushed voice. "_What _is going on, Lily?"

"An explanation would be nice," Alice agreed incredulously. "What's so important that you ran all the way here? Was it Snape? Did he do something to you?"

"Or any other Slytherin?" Marlene added. She smirked. "I've been looking for a reason to jinx one of them."

"I'm through," I finally managed to say, albeit, not as dramatically as I had hoped. "Done." I was wheezing slightly from the run, and still kind of arched over. Their reaction, though, was exactly what I needed to keep up my rant.

"Done?" Alice asked. She looked at Marlene for help. Marlene shrugged uselessly and both turned back to me for an explanation.

"I'm done. No more changing. No more phases. No more experiments. No more anything." They exchanged a curious look, but didn't interrupt. "Listen, I love you both, but I won't be your puppet anymore. I'm _not _a rebel. I don't _want _to change. I like yelling and being a bit uptight sometimes. I know I'm not the most suave person in the world, and maybe I _am _too awkward to be completely charming, but I. Don't. Care. I can't let you guys change me because of one little thing. For a boy who didn't want me to change at all."

"Lily..." Marlene tried to intervene.

"No, Marlene, let me finish, please." Marlene looked slightly taken aback, but smiled appreciatively and motioned for me to, please, continue. "It doesn't matter if mastering all of those things would help me get James, don't you see? He doesn't care that I'm not the most _relaxed _person he's ever seen. Do you know why?"

They both continued to stare at me, identical smiles on their faces. When they didn't answer, I closed up my rant strongly, determination leaking out of my voice, with the answer.

Grinning, I finished, "Because he's fancied me all along. He liked me just the way I was." Feeling rather accomplished, I let out a sigh of relief. It felt like the world had been taken off of my shoulders. Standing up a bit straighter now, I felt proud.

Smiling, they both moved in for the inevitable hug. I held them both tight before the Hugging Time Limit was met, and then let go.

Marlene laughed. "We were wondering when you would finally get it." she said. After pulling out a chair at the table they kept their bags on, she sat down and motioned for me to join her.

"Well, I.... _What_?" I spun to Alice for help. She had already taken her seat, and I decided to join them. Sitting felt good on my out-of-shape legs which felt like they had been put under the Jelly Legs Jinx.

Again, Alice and Marlene exchanged grins. Alice even let a little giggle escape. "We know that you're in the top of our year, but, Lily, dear, you really are unbelievably _thick _sometimes."

They rolled their eyes at the glare I shot them. "I... _what_?"

"Did you _really _think you needed changing?" Marlene asked. She sounded outraged, as if anyone could possibly believe that. "We were trying to help you, yes, but we didn't actually want to change you."

Confused, I looked between them. Marlene grinned and Alice shrugged in a "what can you do?" kind of way.

"I... don't understand," I admitted.

Alice patted my arm in a dear old mum sort of way. With a comforting smile, she continued. "When you came up to us saying James said you needed to be more rebellious, we didn't know what to do. We came up the idea of trying to make you change so much that you would see the absolute absurdity of the situation."

"Which you have," Marlene declared. "Just now."

Alice snorted, all motherly things about her vanishing. "Took you long enough."

"We wanted you to realize that it doesn't matter if this bloke is your arch enemy or the love of your life-"

"Which, ironically, James was both, by the way," Alice unnecessarily threw in.

"-you should never change for him."

"Particularly if he doesn't want you to change anything about yourself to begin with."

I stared at my two, apparently wise, mates in complete shock. They apparently knew more about the situation than I did. Marlene was still playing with the little bits of paper, pushing them around in circles and flicking the occasional ones in my direction. Alice was waiting patiently for my response by staring me down.

"How'd you guys know that I'd go along with it?" I asked. Marlene looked up from her paper ball collection. "I mean... how'd you know that I wouldn't keep the changes and take on a New Lily aspect? A rebellious Lily?"

Alice snorted. "Really, Lily?" she asked. "You really have to ask that?" When I shot her a glare and chucked a handful of Marlene's collection at her, she was more cooperative. "We're your best mates. We know that you're unbelievably stubborn. We just had to make you realize all of this."

Marlene ran a hand through her hair. "Which took a lot more effort than I thought," she admitted. "Merlin, I was getting desperate with ideas."

Alice laughed. "That picture of Sirius bit was genius. Completely ridiculous."

"Wait, wait, wait," I said. Grabbing my head, I tried to figure everything out. There had already been so much comprehension these past twenty minutes, and I was running on empty. Sam was definitely right about poor nutrition.

Trying to straighten everything out in my head was the hardest. From the beginning, they had this plan to change me while... proving to me that I shouldn't let anyone do that? They created a whole plot, phases, adventures.... Had gotten so many people involved, and it was just to make a point.

"You two are truly, absolutely mad," I finally said. "I hope you realize this."

Alice tilted her head from side to side. "Eh, it's been mentioned once or twice."

"Don't think you're getting off this easy, though, Lily," Marlene threw in. She was once again smirking, this time it reached her eyes. It was slightly startling after this heartfelt realization. "There's one more thing you've got to do." She gathered up the remaining bits of parchment into her hand.

I groaned. "Not another phase, because we're done with these now. You can't keep these going when you told me the secret." The babbling could have continued if Alice hadn't thrown a "Shut _up_, Lily" in there. I glared at her and crossed my arms, but shut my mouth and let Marlene continue.

"You've got to talk to James." On James, she tossed the paper in the air, and little balls of parchment rained down on top of me, my own celebrational confetti for a reconciliation with James.

* * *

A/n: Heyyy you guys. Listen, I'm REALLY sorry that this was an even LONGER wait than before. I could throw excuses at you, but I won't. There are a couple things you need to know, though.

There are only a few more chapters left to this, if that. It's rounding up, as you can see.

I've got my own laptop now, so writing will be easier (finally).

Truly sorry about the wait!

Much love, some goofy friends, a load of chocolate, and a Subway gift card,

Siriusly Klutzy


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